To want to go in my garden without my neighbours being intrusive

Wait what? Who is being negative? Letting things go also means not pandering to others at the detriment of your time & peace...

No one is looking to be "unpleasant" it's quite the opposite actually & yet much of the advice has been on here say this, say that, do this, do that, the OP shouldn't have to or would even have to consider if her neighbour had some self awareness so like I said upthread you become the rude person you never would have been

We have similar with our neighbours, both sides though.

The ones on the one side have young children who climb on things in their garden to look over the fence and constantly ask what are you doing? Why? can we come over to your garden? When they have visitors they stand at the higher part of the garden(a slight slope) and they look over and point out things that they like or are new since they were last over. They are quite loud so we hear them commenting things like Oh I like those stepping stones. That arch wasn't there last time I came was it? Do you know what they have in the summer house? We have been doing the garden out so painting, built a summer house, new paving, flowerbeds etc. We put a hedge on that side all the way down. It is nearly the height of the 6 ft fence so should block off their view in a couple more summers.

The neighbours on the other side are funny. Whenever I go to the shed to get the lawnmower out for example, within 10 minutes they will be in their garden doing the same job. When we painted our new summerhouse a certain colour, a few weeks later, he was painting their shed the same colour. We have seen on occasions both him and his wife in the upstairs window pointing at our garden when we have been doing something. The awkward time was when I was sorting out the flowerbed down that side of the garden. It s a 4 ft fence and he got his spade and started working on his flowerbed the other side of the fence directly in line with me.

They are the same out the front too. When I decide to wash my car he comes out and starts washing his. When I wash the windows he does the same. When we jet wash the driveway he jet washes his.

We actually find it funny now and guess the number we count too until he comes out. He only ever says hello though, no conversations. He also gives us a card at Christmas and Easter. I have planted quick growing shrubs on that side so hopefully we will be completely covered both sides. We have bought large parasols to cover the main spots when they look out the upstairs window. Not much we can do out the front though.

@RandomMess All you said I could see what you handle it. And you shut down conversations. But this is different to going. "Hi X. You don't mind but I want to spend time in the garden having some quiet time without chatting, as i have a very intensive job. " or just "can't chat right now. I'm super tired and having a relax." etc.

You don't say you are saying anything direct like that to them. I know it's hard and horrible and might offend them once. But if they are ignoring that then you have a right to be more pissed off with them. I do see it's annoying. But you haven't stated how direct you ave been. I think it should be possible without being rude. Otherwise this is going to build and build. I used to have an obsessive tidy neighbour who would wait for me with pruning shears in hand. I used to laugh and ignore him in a friendly kind of way. Yes it did really annoy me.

Move house?

We viewed a house and as soon as we parked a neighbour came out wagging a finger.

Needless to say we didn’t buy that one.

Oh great you’re there! Can you look at this for me, do you think it’s scabies/chicken pox/monkey pox/etc

exhausting, just move.

But it depends on the neighbours. If I lived next door to a kind, gentle old man whose wife had died, I'd go out of my way to cheer him up. But just because someone is lonely that doesn't mean they are good. Some are nice, others are rude, selfish, intrusive or downright sinister.

Would it help to have a stock phrase to say every time so you don't have to think about how to engage?

Like 'Sorry Peter/Jane, I'm really not in the mood for chatting. Would you mind giving me some space?'
Unless they're absolute psychopaths they'll say oh sorry of course!
If they come back later, just keep repeating 'I'm not in the mood for chatting', or, 'I need some space', smile and just don't respond to whatever they're asking about.

It's a suffocating feeling isn't it. I need to have high fences or hedges now. It's happened to me a few times with neighbours like that, and then one who lived above me who could hear when I was home so would knock on the door.
I hated the feeling of being observed and thought about so much.

We have exactly the opposite with our ndn's
As soon as they knew dh had terminal cancer they refuse to speak to us.
I guess it says more about them than me..

Give one word answers and don't make any conversation. I have a neighbour that I had to do this with. They eventually got the message

So how about after 5 minutes of chat you say 'Right Bob- I need to get on with some work or I'm not going to have time to finish this so I'm afraid that's our chat for today.'
Or 'Right Bob, I'm going to sit and relax and listen to my book through my ear pads now. See you soon.'

An alternative would be to go out into the garden wearing headphones/ear buds and pretend your talking on a phone call. Have your phone on silent and if you feel that you're getting a call, tell the 'fake' person, you have to go because you've got another call coming in. He can't talk to you if you're already talking to someone else and he won't know that you're not talking to someone if you walk out into your garden already pretending you're talking to someone (if you get me). You could even do a gesture, if he is looking to speak with you, as if to say "Just a moment - I'm on a call" or point to your earbuds.

@RandomMess I can’t picture your set up very easily but we have long, narrow wooden planters with bamboo in to add screening to our boundary fence. It would absolutely not blow over, it weight a ton. Looks nice, too. Do NOT plant bamboo into the ground unless you live a jungle vibe.

When he appears could you say in a semi lighthearted way, ‘Gosh Bob, are you watching me? Feels a bit like it.’ And repeat regularly. He’s obviously impervious to hints so a more straightforward approach is needed. No need to be rude, just clear that you don’t need company. ‘Sorry Bob, I’m up against it time wise so I’ll have to get on with this,’ headphones on and pointedly ignore.

If he has legitimate reasons for wanting to talk, like his other neighbours then say something like,’ Bob, I can’t talk right now but I have half an hour on Wednesday so let’s catch up with everything then’.

Hopefully in time you can engineer a time when you don’t mind chatting and he might leave you in peace a bit more.

Sorry @Elektra1 but sometimes being nice comes at quite a high price. My previous neighbours couldn't take a hint, then when I got really annoyed they couldn't take me being more blatant about dodging them. I have lovely neighbours now, we say hello and chat every now and then and solve any problems between us, what we don't do is try and involve ourselves in every part of their lives. Just because you have the house next door doesn't make you family

@RandomMess - I have no idea what age these neighbours are but I'm guessing that Bob is nearing/at/already reached retirement age, am I right? It just doesn't sound like the type of thing a 30-something neighbour might do but I'm open to being corrected on that.

Anyway, if they are retired, what I would suggest that you do is go to your local community centre and gather up as many flyers as you can for whatever is being run there (within reason), perhaps go to the local church too, and library. I don't know if there is a Neighbourhood Watch scheme that the neighbours look out for each other (usually out the front) and can report concerns to the Police. Each time Bob pops out, you pop in and bring out one, and only one, flyer for something that you 'saw' that you thought Bob might be interested in. Every single time. One flyer per time. By the time you've handed over 5 flyers, or passed on the information about the neighbourhood watch scheme, he'll either be so frustrated at being handed flyers he won't be interested in popping out any more or he'll be busy doing one of the things you suggested! (I would hope)

I'm actually a really impatient, intolerant person by nature. But I went through the hardest year of my life a couple of years ago and when I emerged on the other side, I had a re-think about the amount of resentment, irritation and general negativity I carried around with me. I just decided to let that go, since the only person it made upset was me. I've been a lot happier since then.

Mocking people online (or IRL) who don't share your negative, closed world view as "live laugh love" types doesn't put them down, it makes you look unpleasant.

Grow tomatoes. Remind DH that peeing on tomatoes makes them grow really well. Lock the bathroom so he has to go out and pee on the tomatoes.

If that doesn't work tell DH that they need fertiliser as well....

If that doesn't work get the kids to help both you and DH.

@Elektra1 I'm not going to derail the OPs thread with this any more, but it does cost something as @Scorchio84 points out; my happiness, mental health and peace and quiet. Four things of huge value to me.

So I'll carry on not pandering to every single person I meet's wants and needs and you carry on living, laughing and loving.

Stop responding if they ask. Nod politely if you must. Pretend to have earphones in. But stop responding. Grey rock

I wasn't around for this debate in 2022 but being kind is just something easy to do that makes everyone's lives more pleasant. I'm sorry that you are living in a state of determining what you do or do not "owe" others. No one owes anyone anything, really, but it costs nothing to be nice and quite often, doing so makes you feel better.

absolutely @bostonchamps I'm sick of others having to accommodate the few who obviously are oblivious to how theday has been, these few moments in the garden might be respite for god knows what? But NOPE! BeKind to everyone, just god forbid not yourself

Wearing visible earbuds works for me,