Re the housework?

No, absolutely do not let him talk to you like this.
Remain calm, cool, don't get baited into throwing insults.....look him in the eye and ask him to explain why he's talking to you in such an abusive and dismissive misogynistic way. Ask him if he thinks it's acceptable to talk to his wife like that for expecting him to parent his own children.
Do you get into a cycle of arguing like this often? Do you both tell each other to shut up? I'd wouldn't stand for that; that alone would be enough to make me leave.

Tell him this. It might sink in. At least you will k ow.

Oh, do not be mistaken he sees it - and he's gaslighting you trying to conveniently you that you're perceptions, thoughts, feelings, opinions and words are all nonsensical and rubbish. He's communicating that you're 'wrong' on all levels.

He's vile. Truly

Reading all your posts OP it does sound like you're done. And understandably so. The lack of respect is what's ended it. It's evident in how he treats you and how he speaks to you. This on him, not you. So get your ducks in a row and then look forward to the peace of not having to pick up and run around after him, the peace of not being told to shut up if you make a valid point. The peace of your own self-respect

He has no respect for you or your contribution to family life. He's a lazy arsehole. You need to get your duck in a row. You don't want your kids thinking this is how they should be treated or should treat people.

Oh yes the ‘just shut up’. I take my other comments back. You just need to leave him for that

I was in the same situation and I left my useless disrespectful husband. It was emotionally hard at first for me and the kids but 2 years down the line we are much happier and more relaxed on our own. Have a think about how you want your future for you and the kids because I won't lie it felt scary and cold when I made the decision to end it. But it was the best decision I have ever made .

he genuinely doesn’t seem to see the inequality.

And yet, and yet, the way he sees it massively benefits him. If it were massively to his detriment, I might believe it was a genuine misunderstanding.

As it is, fully explained by selfishness.

Sorry it's come to this for you.

No, he did not ‘pay for you’, you provided what would otherwise be paid for childcare.

Sorry, OP, but I really don’t understand how marriages come back from things like this. Unless he did a complete 180 and apologised, I’d lose respect and attraction for him and that would be the end. It’s a vile, misogynistic attitude and I couldn’t be in a partnership with someone who thought so little of me.

Plus also start training the kids. Do they put their washing away and know where their uniform is? I was much stricter with training my youngest than my oldest and by 5 he is much more self sufficient than his 8 year old sister.

start little…. We had ‘sock pairing Tuesdays’ for months and turned it into a game. No tv til it’s done! Then added putting them in the correct place in their cupboards, then added pants and vests. Now they do the whole load. Get your DH involved and doing his. Don’t do it for him

Very relevant article re the 'last straw' in a relationship

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

You need to train him. Also, sadly it’s the issue with wfh. You’re there. Can you start going into an office one day a week so you’re gone before the kids are dressed and back for just right before dinner is served to give him some autonomy?

DH is stuck in the old dynamic of I should pick up the housework, childcare etc.

I'd categorise this as 'worth a try' on his part and would think the less of him for seeing it in the way. What conversations were had before you went back to being full time.

I can't imagine said 'yeah, no problem as long as you continue to do all the housework and parenting. And yet, here you are.

What a pathetic excuse for a human he seems to be. What does he say now when you point out this gross inequality.

Having read your update about his throwing up to you all he has paid for - I'd genuinely be fine. Let him complain about being tried to the cleaners. Get your DC and yourself out of that toxic environment. And fast.

Ah, he's one of 'those' men.

This won't change. And I'm afraid he's likely to turn nasty when you leave him.

I'd be getting all my ducks in a row and planning an exit.

He obviously has zero respect for you.

This isn’t going to change. I’ve worked 4 days a week for 3 years, before than I was a SAHM for 2 years. My husband still pays the vast majority of bills due to our earning difference. He ALSO does half of school runs and cleaning. The fact he earns more is irrelevant as we both work just as hard. I do school runs and a few loads of laundry on my day off, other than that, it’s equal.

Your husband is a ‘me’ man. It must be very draining for you.

In your position I would sit down together and ask if he wants you to drop down your working hours (and reduce the bills you pay) or if he’s going to start pulling his weight. But ultimately you shouldn’t have to drop your hours or even have this conversation. He should care about you enough to want to pull his own weight.

Sounds like it’s always been an unequal household. How do you divide money? During the time you were part time did you have equal spending money for fun?

Either what you did was easy, in which case it's no problem for him to do some of it, or what you did was hard, which which case you were working equal to him

He's a lazy selfish misogynist.

'I paid for you for years, you’ve had holidays out of me, I pay the mortgage’

Missed this as I was typing.

Fuck that.

I'd be done.

Don’t get a clearer as it will just absolve him of further responsibility and not readdress the balance.

you just need to make it clear to him that he’s not picking up his share. He needs to commit to equal days of school run. Who ever does the school run then the other does the dinner. Etc.

So tell him it is a deal-breaker.

You need to sit down and demand he takes half the load.

• He does every morning school run or every pick up. Every single week. Picks one and sticks to it. You do the other. Review after 3m. If he does the morning drop offs, he needs to make sure they are all dressed and ready with what they need every morning. If he does all the pick ups then he takes care of uniform into wash / letters signed etc.

• He cooks a family meal every Tuesday and Thursday evening, you do Monday and Wednesday. He needs to have added what he needs to shared supermarket delivery basket by the Friday night for a Monday delivery. Fridays can be take away or frozen pizzas

• He either cleans the kitchen (deep clean weekly and a daily wipe down and sort) or he has the living room and bathrooms (deep clean weekly, daily tidy and wipe down). Again, review after 3m.

• you both agree no logging back on for work until all the kids are in bed and above chores are done

• he needs to wash, dry and put away a minimum of two full loads a week.

If he cannot do the above, and more importantly, cannot (or will not) understand how royally he is taking the piss out of you, then I would genuinely think about whether this is worth it. He either does his share because he is a decent individual, does it because he doesn't want to take the piss out of the woman he loves, or he doesn't do it - because he is a selfish twat.