Re the housework?

I mean true it's not about the cleaner! But OP might as well find out the going rate.

"Doesn't know where the uniform is." 😂

It may be ultimatum time. His behaviour is disrespectful and setting an awful example to your children.

My DH is rather lazy about housework but will do it when ordered without complaint. And he does most of the schlepping DC about again without complaint.

I put it to him straight years ago: do your share of cleaning or pay for a cleaner? Pay for a cleaner he replied instantly! And he has never queried the cost.

£80 is a lot though unless your house is enormous or very grubby/cluttered and I'm in an expensive bit of the country. Get more quotes. I mean your DH should, but won't.

He is silly not to do schlepping, bedtimes, clubs etc. That's when you build relationships with DC. He won't have one by the time they're teens.

We have done couples' counselling a few times and it's been helpful. Your DH also sounds resentful and maybe it would help to get that out in the open.

I am assuming he wanted DC?

Most people would love a maid who not only pays half the bills but takes care of everything else. He's completely got it made and he knows it which is why he gets defensive.

You need to decide how to approach this because if you go for an ultimatum, you need to be prepared to follow through.

Obviously the best way forward is to sit down and have a discussion. Explain that you're exhausted and you're not longer prepared to take care of everything.

Divide out the chores and take things in turn such as taking time off for the children. Download a calendar you can both access.

If he loves and respects you and wants to keep his family together, he'll step up. If he doesn't, then you have a decision to make.

I had one like this. Mine had affairs too! Due to circumstances I stuck it out until DC were grown but it was hard.
I just got philosophical about it. Treated him like an extra child who I needed to stay with because of housing and the ‘child care’ while I worked nights.
Put yourself first. He is. He doesn’t even like you. Build your escape fund. Don’t let anything affect your job prospects. Look after the children but withdraw from him and tell him why.
Sorry you ended up with one of these men. There are a lot of them about. If you never work you never find out!

Wrong thread

Urgh he sounds like a selfish pig.
I honestly would sit him down and tell him you want things to improve or split up.
If he lived alone he'd be finding the time to clean and cook, he would also be looking after the DC alone if he wants to see them, and you'd get a break!

No, he's pretending that he doesn't see the inequality. The current set up suits him just fine. You are bringing more money into the household but you are doing exactly the same amount of wife-work and childcare as you did when you were working part time.

I would stop doing any of his washing, or cook any of his meals. He suggested getting a cleaner. Would he pay for it?

He sounds pretty horrible. As you have said, if you split up, you would still need to do everything but you would feel less resentful as he wouldn't be there, doing nothing to help and rubbing it in your face.

It's a mind set. He is one of many whose mind set is that these are your responsibilities, mainly because he simply doesn't want to do these jobs. I lived with someone like this for over 20 years. There is nothing you can do but leave him. Alternative you pay for help but you can guarantee he will comain ir refuse to pay for it. As you rightly point out it is the day to day workload that cant be alleviated unless you had a housekeeper which most of us cannot afford. Or you stop doing some of it but there will be nasty rows.

Best of luck OP, you can do it. Don't waste any more precious energy trying to make him see.

You don't need a cleaner, you need a new husband. I can't believe the amount of women who put up with this shit and I'm a housewife!

Yes, agree with this.
All my DC had to tidy their toys before they had their bath and bed.
Non-negotiable.

Can you go to the office

id start going in and working late and coming home after bedtime a few nights a week

Why don't you split the cost? I've never understood separate bank accounts to be honest. But it does seem like he has unreasonable expectations. has he always been hard work? Is it worth it? Do you love him?

You would find it easier without him. If he thinks he "paid" for you for years whilst you were looking after his children he has no respect only contempt for you and once contempt has set in there's probably no going back without counselling which doesn't sound like he'd be up for or engage in.

Get a cheaper cleaner, and get food shop delivered

I do think it's important to separate the cleaning from the tidying. I have never expected the cleaner to tidy. And the DC had to tidy their stuff before bed, at tidy up time. It was ingrained from when they were babies. "we've had a lovely time with the lego/painting/puzzle/dollies, now we are going to put the toys away ". Watch mummy, turned into help mummy, and then you do it.

Absolutely. What a prick.

Normally I’d suggest talking to him, or suggesting counselling but it doesn’t sound like he’d listen/ attend.
He’s decided all parenting and house admin is down to you from some bizarre arrogant idea in his head and as if you should be grateful. Do you see him ever seeing your point of view, or caring enough to change? If you do then that’s great. but if not, then go.
Don’t wait hoping for change that won’t happen because one day you will blink and you will be even more resentful than you are now and be angry that you stayed and wasted your life one someone who behaves appallingly to you
Life is too short to spend it with someone so incredibly selfish.
As they say, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You deserve better OP

All this 1950 set up isn’t necessarily true either. Pretty sure my dad never spoke to my mum like that.

He has contempt for you, and you can't come back from that, I'm sorry
You're more relaxed when he's away which shows you how life can be without this nasty man, as will your DC
They will sense how he belittles you and disrespect you.
He has a typical 1950's mindset but in 2025 you are also working.
I would resent him too.
I would( and did) start divorce proceedings.
If you post in relationships, the kind posters who have been through the process will guide you through.
Right now, the reality is just dawning on you.
I promise you, both you and DC will thrive without him.

My DH and I have always shared the housework and the childcare.

Even now we're retired, he does all the hoovering, and mopping the floors. Daily. I do the bathroom and dusting.

We share the cooking and washing up.

He does all the gardening and I do all the washing.

He goes and gets the shopping which I've ordered online, and we put it away together.

I wouldn't stay with a man who expected me to do everything in the house.

We worked hard when we were younger, and shared the care of the children, too.

Absolutely.
It isn’t surprising you feel better when he isn’t there. He’s lazy, entitled, undervalues you, has sexist views and is frankly horrible.

Wow.
I'd ask him to leave while for 3 months while you process. A judge usually rules you stay in the house until education ends for children.

See how you feel in 3 months and he may suddenly clear up the thoughtless arse.

You're married. It's legally all shared money, what's this nonsense of his money and your money?