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Original poster

Nieces hate me and say my behaviour was abusive.

89 replies

iCantStopppEatinggg · 25/01/2025 07:59

I looked after my nieces and nephews since the age of 16 to roughly 29 when I got married and moved away. I was student when the first 3 were born so throughout college and university whenever I had holidays or time off for studying my sisters would use me for free child care. After graduating I got a job in a school so this was really convenient for them as I was able to provide childcare for the holidays which allowed my siblings to have kids and still have a busy and demanding career. My mum encouraged me to help out and guilted me if I said I had plans she would make me feel so bad.

I have another sibling who is a couple of years older than me but she was never asked to provide childcare as they said she wasn’t maternal enough and not as responsible as I was. She would always prioritise parties and friends over taking care of the little ones.

Every child’s birthday and Christmas as a student I would buy them gifts because I wanted to and I loved them.

to put it briefly now all 6 of them are grown up and 2 of them hate me and have made up lies that I abused them! They are saying I would shout and scream at them. I probably did get stressed at times but I would never hurt them. The nephews are always defending me saying I was the best aunty ever and remember how much I used to buy them. I never said no to their never ending requests for toys.

I wish I could turn back time and not have taken care of them. I wish I had been like my other sister and put myself first. I missed out on so many parties and holidays because I chose to put my family first. I know it was my choice but I always felt guilted by everyone.

the nieces who accused me if screaming and shouting at them are so close to my other sister who never once looked after them or even knows when their birthday is!

even though my other nephews know the truth I feel they don’t want to cause drama so don’t say anything when the other 2 nieces start having arguments with me and telling me I’m disinvited from family stuff cos they hate me.

I am the scapegoat of the family. My family dynamics growing up were very dysfunctional.

I have kids of my own that no one really bothers with them. My kids don’t know who their cousins are. The nieces and nephews are all in their 20’s and teens now. My kids are primary school aged. I feel hurt and upset. It’s been going on for years now.

OP posts:
Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 25/01/2025 08:50

I’ve been thinking a lot of the times I would take care of them. I obviously will never bring it up to them but I’m upset by a few things I remember: my eldest sister often slapped my niece and locked her in the toilet. I remember my other sister and I would calm her down and get my niece out who would be crying. She very often did hurt her. The same sister would batter me when I was a child and tell me to tell people I fell off my bike. I would never hurt a child as I remember how it felt to me. Do u think my nieces could be remembering this and saying it was me rather than their own mum as it’s easier? Should I bring this up with my sister? I know how things will end if I do try to talk about it. No one talks about issues or tries to find resolve in my family that’s why this has continued for so many years

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 25/01/2025 08:50

Only keep in contact with your nephews and the one niece the rest bin off you don't need them they will come to you way before you will go to them

DisappearingGirl · 25/01/2025 08:47

I am the scapegoat of the family.

I think this is maybe the critical part OP. I think some families do have this horrible dynamic with one person being the scapegoat. If this is the case, it might be impossible to change the dynamic and it may be better to go low contact and focus on yourself and your kids.

It's not something I know much about, but just from reading very sad threads on here. The long running Stately Homes thread is supposed to be very good in terms of harmful family dynamics. Good luck OP.

WhatNoRaisins · 25/01/2025 08:45

Agree that it sounds like you were the family scapegoat and were taken advantage of for free childcare.

There is this idea in parenting that any sort of shouting or being visibly angry now counts as abuse. I'm very cynical because these standards simply don't reflect reality for the majority of people who are only human and will get frustrated at times. I think some people take this theory and use it to criticise parents and caregivers for failing to meet the Stepford Wives standard of remaining calm at all times.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 25/01/2025 08:45

kaela100 · 25/01/2025 08:42

You need to defend yourself. Remind them that you were their age when you took care of them and you may not have been perfect but the very fact that they're alive, working and able to complain about it means you couldn't have been too bad. Then make yourself emotionally and physically unavailable to your neices and their families and focus on your own kids.

That’s good advice actually. I wish I had said that I was much younger than they are now. I can’t imagine them giving up their social life to take care of anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 25/01/2025 08:43

3 nieces and 3 nephews. One of the niece doesn’t get involved with the other 2. I’m not overly close to her but she has told me in the past that they’ve gone too far and now they will look silly if they continue. I didn’t really question her at the time as I had other things going on but I think I understand what she means.

OP posts:
kaela100 · 25/01/2025 08:42

You need to defend yourself. Remind them that you were their age when you took care of them and you may not have been perfect but the very fact that they're alive, working and able to complain about it means you couldn't have been too bad. Then make yourself emotionally and physically unavailable to your neices and their families and focus on your own kids.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 25/01/2025 08:36

The nieces are in their mid to late 20’s now. My nephews don’t just remember the material things I brought for them but have lots of other memories as when I see them they tell my kids the things we would do in the holidays. We would bake a lot and one of my nephews makes the same cookies now! They went even that amazing in taste but they remember it. I treated my nephews and nieces exactly the same.

it’s not just me, they fight amongst themselves but the boys stay out of it and just let them get on with it. I was hoping things would improve but they haven’t

OP posts:
CeciliaMars · 25/01/2025 08:31

It sounds like you were given way too much responsibility at a young age to look after your younger nieces and nephews, which was completely unfair on you and sounds like at times, you understandably didn't handle well.
I suspect they didn't have the easiest of lives either, which may explain why they're now dumping their misplaced rage on you.
It's a bit strange that your nephews remember your relationship as strong based on how much stuff you bought them.
I would advise you to take a big step away from your family and go low-contact, for your own sanity and that of your children. I totally get why you're hurt, but you can't change the behaviour of others, you can only change how you react to it.

Rachmorr57 · 25/01/2025 08:28

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BeNavyCrab · 25/01/2025 08:25

I would feel like you were taken advantage of and it wasn't wholly your choice to be caring for them. You were effectively pushed into providing a parental role, when you were still a child yourself.

It's really awful to now be accused, after doing so much. It's hard to come to terms with when you see your sister who didn't care for them, now being thought of as the perfect one.

Bristolinfeb · 25/01/2025 08:21

There are two seperate issues here. You’re dynamic with your family and the fact you shouldn’t have been guilted into baby sitting. You should consider counselling and going NC or LC if you’re the scapegoat.

The other is the way you treated your nieces and nephews. Did you shout and scream at them. It’s possibly that you were emotionally abusive. You were a teenage/young adult who was coerised into looking after multiple children so I don’t think you were to blame if you were. I’m not sure if working out if you were abusive or not would even be helpful in this situation. Your neices and nephews may also angry at their parents for not being around as much as they would like and leaving them with someone who didn’t want to be looking after them and are directing that anger at you rather than the parents.

You can’t control how others feel and behaviour. You can only change your behaviour going forward and do what you need to do for you.

ChestnutGrove · 25/01/2025 08:14

It does sound like their parents took advantage of you and you're the family scapegoat. Try and distance yourself from them so they don't see they're upsetting you.
Or you could tell them you were under no obligation to care for them but were taken advantage of and used as free childcare which you found stressful and you regret helping out so much due to their reactions and everything you missed out on

Heyyoupleasekeepgoing · 25/01/2025 08:14

Your kids are better off out of this dysfunctional dynamic - can you focus your energies on building a great life for your own small family and dcs?
How old are your nieces? Have you spoken to their mother about their rudeness and allegations?

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