Nieces hate me and say my behaviour was abusive.

You can quietly just ghost and go LC. Concentrate on your immediate family, nurture your DC. Don’t waste time or other resources on your sisters daughters in future, no good deed goes unpunished and all that.

You don’t have to announce that you’re going to NC, that will get the drama llamas in a flap.

OP I wouldn't invest too much of your time or effort in trying to justify yourself. If you've been cast as the scapegoat you can't reason your way out of that with these people.

Agree with PP, I wouldn't blame you for cutting them off for the sake of your own mental health.

yeap. Scapegoat story.

You had to. You were the only one asked. You now pay for whatever they aren’t happy with.

Yes, it is passed to future generations so children of non scapegoat will treat you badly. Also, one of Your children may be treated the same than you.

Keep away. Keep away. Block block block.

@BeNavyCrab Thank you for your kind words. I suppose the point of my post was that perhaps OP's nieces are also re-writing history so that they don't have to face the reality that their own parents were not great. As in my case, perhaps they are looking for someone to aim their frustrations and anger at but can't give up on the narrative that their parents were wonderful so it must be Aunt that was/is the problem. It's horrible and does make you question yourself at times but my advice would be to give yourself permission to distance yourself from them without feeling guilty or feeling you need to explain yourself. Perhaps over time they might realise the mistake they have made but that is not your responsibility.

You haven't mentioned this part of your nightmlare before. I think this might be at the centre of all the drama. Maybe your sister told them to blame you from an early age?

Are their parents aware of your elder sister's behaviour? Have your nieces ever mentioned it?

Can't you get your nephews together with your nice sister and discuss the way things were. If you explain that it's your kids suffering most from these drama queens' lies.

Tell them you won't waste your breath on the nieces or your Mother who seems to be the most guilty here. She sacrificed your childhood to please her sister. If she's not sticking up for you then she is a very odd kind of Mum.

So they hate you, say "fine, OK with me."

Detach yourself from them. Make it clear there is no longer any assistance from you, and logically, not the remotest chance of being in your will.

This, contrasting with your continued pleasant relationship with your nephews will certainly give them cause to think.

Ghost them and forget them - why put yourself and your children th the firing line?

Go NC with them all. Only way with c*s like this. Sorry you’re having to go through this though. Don’t feel bitter as you’ve done nothing wrong.

"Sorry you feel like that. I was thinking I'd be able to help out if you have kids in future, but obviously that can never happen now."
(Not that I think you should have to help out anyway.)

No good deed goes unpunished.

I can't tell you how many of my friends have had a really tough time looking after elderly parents, only to be constantly told how wonderful their sibling is - the one who has never raised a finger to help.

Yes it's possible they blanked things out and don't really remember or have even been told their memories were wrong and you did it. Its not unheard of for adults who have grown up in an abusive household to deny their parents ever abused them. My dad grew up in a family where both parents were abusive, he's the eldest but the others were old enough to remember the worst. They'd all angrily deny anything happened now as adults. It was all swept under the rug. I wouldn't bother talking to your sister, there's no way that will lead to anything good. I'd distance myself from theirs nieces and their mum and focus on your immediate family and those in your family of origin who actually care for and appreciate you like your nephews.

@catlesslady Wow, the ability to rewrite history to avoid facing reality is staggering isn't it! Their narrative doesn't even make sense logically. Who with young children would want to "lure" another child away and have the expense and responsibility for looking after them? Why do they expect that it was a right to have their family "helped out" by you giving their parents money and then blame you for not having any more left?

That's really horrible and so hurtful for you. I understand the drive to think about your parents in a good light, even if they don't actually deserve it but scapegoating a third party who has been nothing but kind and been considerably generous financially is nuts!!

I really hope you have had some support with processing this and you are surrounded by people who value you. 🥰

You have my sympathy OP. I'm in a similar situation and have come to understand that attempting to explain my side of things doesn't do any good so I just have to distance myself and concentrate on my own family.

In my situation I looked after my nieces and nephews a lot (including lots of school holidays/weekends etc) as their home life was quite dysfunctional. I also helped their parents financially, usually when they had spent their money foolishly and realised they couldn't pay their bills. This was usually at the request of their parents who said they needed a break from parenting or to get them away when their parents were fighting a lot. When they were teens and could look after themselves more their parents weren't as keen to send them to me and they (understandably) wanted to be in their own home town to see friends etc so the visits became less frequent. I also had children of my own and less disposable income so wasn't able to constantly bail their parents out any more. Gradually the nieces and nephews started to realise that things at home were not right but (no doubt led by their parents) they came to the conclusion that it was all my fault. Everything had been fine when they were younger but I bribed them away from their parents with offers of holidays/trips out etc. So they missed out on sharing lovely times and adventures with their parents. Then when things did start to go wrong at home I selfishly refused to help them out. If I had been not had them over when they were younger and been more supportive when they were teens then they would have had a lovely time with their wonderful parents and everything would have been OK.

I can see that believing this is easier in many ways that accepting the truth but it does hurt. Especially as they are now older than I was when I was looking after them and being expected to support their parents but they are not willing to spend any time with me or my DC.

I do think this is possible yes. Save this memory for when needed.

Ps I don't see any of those Nieces in their 20s offering to look after your kids

This is awful. I guess Noone who chooses to look after kids (including their parents) gets a guarantee those kids will like them in adulthood but of course it hurts if they don't. I wonder what's going on here, perhaps your nieces are angry at parents being away and dumping those bad feelings on you?
It's awful and unfair your sisters in good careers didn't compensate you for so much free childcare and that your mother emotionally blackmailed you into doing it. I don't know anyone else that would expect this from an auntie - an afternoon out for a treat in the school holidays or occasional babysitting would be more than enough and a present would be bought as a thank you in my social circles!!
I would get counselling to try and process your grief at missing out on all that fun in your youth and to accept the current situation.

i think it’s very common to be at the end of your tether and shout at young children who are misbehaving.
The OP was expected to do far too much and did her best .

💯 this

I’m so sorry. This must be so so painful.
You did your best and you know that.
If you can get some counselling. There’s a lot of grief and sadness to process.

But most importantly- focus on your children now. Don’t let your sadness stop you from being present for them.
Try to be in the moment and enjoy your dear children

Do u think my nieces could be remembering this and saying it was me rather than their own mum as it’s easier?

Yes, this is possible. This confusion's happened in our family.

From what you have said it's two nieces who are saying you were abusive. The third niece and the three nephews are not.

I would distance myself from the two nieces but stay in reasonable contact with the others.

So if you send card for birthdays etc. continue with the other 4, but not these two.

You should write down on paper that

• you were guilt-tripped by other family members into looking after your nephews and nieces at a very young age, so if you got it wrong from time to time it's hardly your fault.

• you lost out on a lot of your young adult life and this has never been acknowledged by anyone in the family

• your nephews and one niece have a very different recollection of being looked after by you.

• the other two nieces seem to have conveniently forgotten it was you who comforted them after being locked in the loo etc.

Get it all down and re-read it so you are familiar with the narrative and you don't get emotional if you have the opportunity to say it out loud to your family.

I wouldn't bring up the slapping etc with your sister eyes likely to deny it and twist it. I would directly tell your nieces that you used to calm their mother when she slapped them and locked them in the toilets and you would release them.

What a shame that they didn't tell someone so that you no longer looked after them.

You can be sure that if your nieces have their own kids in a few years time, suddenly the abuse will be forgotten and they'll be desperate to palm them off on you. I would refuse if I were you after their accusations

OP, I was in a similar situation. My siblings were quite a bit younger than me and I was expected to look after them full time during the holidays from about 15 until I left home at 18. There were times when I was horrible - I was a child myself, we were all living in an abusive environment, and not equipped to look after young children for extended periods of time. I apologised to my sibling, because I am sorry, but I also recognise that I was put in a situation I should never have been put in. (I am NC with my parents and the youngest sibling has sided with them, so I haven't had the chance to have that conversation).