Am i cold and unsympathetic because I don't tend to verbally comfort my baby when I change his nappy?

It's really instinctive to chat away to your baby when you change them, at least to most people. I think if my partner had done it without speaking I'd have found it a bit disquieting. Do talk to your baby a lot?

Yes. You are.

Imagine your in hospital, injured, a bit confused and not sure what is happening a D the nurse just walked up, started something without telling you, you asked him what was going on, and they just ignored you and carried on.

Would YOU appreciate them saying "I'm just changing your dressing, it won't take long, but it's dirty and you need a new one. It's Ok, it won't hurt it take long".

So talk to your damn baby. Poor thing.

It's absolutely vital that your baby hears your voice and sees your face animated when you change them.

Another poster has referred to a research video that shows what happens to a baby when a parent manages a care situation without verbal or positive facial communication. It's actually very upsetting.

So yes, you absolutely do need to talk and reassure in a situation where your child is distressed. Look at your chjld, smile and just take about what you're doing. Listen to your wife for an example of what to say. For me out was simple stuff "won't be long .. Bottom up... Wiping time... Nearly there...Let's fasten you in.... All done!"

Rightly or wrongly OP I did the same. I would just disassociate and get the job done.
Looking back on it I think I had PND, and was struggling with flashbacks from my own toxic childhood

You need to be speaking aloud to them as much as possible, every opportunity. Their brain is being wired each day; you should be avid about developing their verbal skills.

"I would obviously verbally reassure him if he was extremely distressed for some reason".

If your yardstick for offering reassurance to a child is only when they're extremely distressed then I fear for this child that they're growing up with a "boys don't cry" and "men don't do emotions" parent. Your partner's upset that they're crying without being comforted also rings alarm bells. Why on earth aren't you comforting your upset child? This just isn't normal.

How strange that it's not your natural reaction to comfort a crying baby. Not a good sign.

It is unusual especially for women/mothers.
I also dont think its "good" per se as i am all about the easy life.

I am quite a "get it done efficiently" person and do reassuring chat, narrating or singing stroking etc. I also stop and hold / calm baby for 5-10secs if baby is v distressed.

The reasons i do this it actually makes life much easier.
Your baby is newborn presumably so cant move really. A 8/10/13m is a different proposition!
the squirming is beyond what i thought possible pining them down and getting on with it is longer, harder and more stressful than singing "round and round the garden "

You are inadvertently reinforcing to "ignore babies comfort cues" to yourself which IMO is problematic when the child is older. I am in NO WAY a mother earth ( contact naps are a no, my bed is a no, whining to get what you want is a no etc) but your child will be much easier as they grow if their needs are met promptly.

Suppose your toddler doesnt like bath so you just "get it over with" the reality is they are going to develop a fear of the bath and its going to become a nightly battleground vs fun play time. I speak from experience. My friends dh did bathtime during 2nd pregnancy due to her being exhausted / sick and took your approach zero chat - get it done quickly. To say she was fucked off was an understatment. it was a total shit show as her dd was hysterical at the mention of water or bath and it took months to reverse it.

I love this!

Look up Ed Tronick’s still face experiment to see the impact of non-communication on a baby’s nervous system.

Verbal and non verbal communication is absolutely critical to help baby regulate his emotions: at nappy change time, and at all other times.

Mate, I chat to my semi feral cat gang the while time I'm feeding them, changing their bedding on their sofa, clearing out their litter trays and in general doing anything with them.

Talk to your boy.

I think you can do both, quickly change the nappy and chat to the baby. My little one doesn't like her nappy being changed but is a lot calmer if we chat or sing while changing.

I think it’s the ‘let’s get it over with’ attitude that probably contributes to distress. I can remember talking and singing the whole time - and not treating nappy changes as unpleasant or something I expected to be distressing for any of my dc.

Yes, that is very strange. It isn’t a doll you’re changing, it’s a human being.

And the more you talk to and narrate your life to your baby the better their language skills will be. Don’t ignore them because you don’t think they know what you’re saying.

Hi there. Lots of people here assuming you don’t talk/narrate the rest of the time, which may be completely incorrect. Yes, do talk lots to your baby, and yes I’d suggest slowing down rather than speeding up. But - the stroking is also comforting and perhaps like me you just can’t talk while concentrating. I can’t talk while driving either!
Suggestion: yes to slowing down rather than getting it over with, and I found I could sing or hum while I changed baby (as that seemed to require less thinking!) even though I couldn’t talk. Can also try putting music on or one of those little light-show lamps that project stars on the ceiling etc.

I would say imagine you have a carer to help you. One just gets everything over with as quickly as possible and doesn’t speak . One chats to you while helping you out. Which would you prefer?

I’m a midwife and I talk to all the babies throughout their time in my care

Your partner needs to be supportive not pick holes in your parenting. But as you asked it's a good time to chat and connect with your child and help them with language development. Also if someone was wiping my bum I'd appreciate it if I was treated like a human not a chore even though I'd know I was a chore.

just chat, be reassuring, it is all good for your baby to hear you

Are you not capable of doing two things at once? Changing your child and providing reassurance? I always have my dc a running commentary on what I was doing. Whether that was talking or singing.

Talk, talk, talk to your baby - all the time. The running commentary is important.

I don’t think you’re necessarily being cold or unsympathetic, but talking to babies is really important for their development anyway so it wouldn’t hurt to develop the habit.

Just get used to narrating. It helps language development and it stops you being so lonely when you're at home all day on mat leave. You can also chat current affairs "well I can see what you think of trump and I agree, he is a stinky pants"

My 7 year old still shouts "Little leggie number TWO" when she puts her trousers on. I've been counting the little leggies in and out of trousers and leggings since she was two days old 😆

Aside from comforting, chatting about and narrating what you're doing is a good idea from a language development point of view even at this early age. It's a good habit to get into as the benefits on speech later are significant (even the poor dog gets it now in this house, but he hasnt started to talk yet)

"Cold wipe!"
"Pop your arms in"
"Socks on your toes"

Etc.

Congratulations too 🩵