Am i cold and unsympathetic because I don't tend to verbally comfort my baby when I change his nappy?

I was the same, I struggled to have a conversation with my baby while focusing on getting the job done if he was crying. I just started to say something… ‘whoop whoop’, ‘shhh’, wow baby wow’ and kept repeating it. Eventually I got more used to the task and managed to talk a bit more while changing him.

How is it quicker if you don’t talk to him?

That's absolutely a full conversation and completely relevant to his circumstances.

I remember completely blanking occasionally (probably from lack of sleep), so went to reciting poetry I didn't know was also buried deep in my head. It freed off my brain from having to think of what to say beyond 'what have you been eating?' and 'couldn't you have done that before I took your nappy off?'.

Just because certain things don't come naturally to us as new parents doesn't mean we shouldn't try them.

Babies thrive in so many ways from hearing their parents' voices. It is soothing to their nervous systems and it stimulates the area of the brain that develops speech and vocabulary.

Just start chatting to your baby at changing time - do it your way. You can sing or explain what's happening or discuss the football - it doesn't really matter. Your voice is enough.

You're focusing on how you feel and not how your baby feels. Hearing your voice will reassure him, even if he's still a bit unhappy.

I think cold and unsympathetic is a bit of a stretch, but maybe I’m cold and unsympathetic too. I used to have to keep noise cancelling headphones by the changing table because his crying would upset me too much. I’d stroke his head and shush him but used to feel like adding to the noise by talking over his screaming made it more stressful and I just wanted it over with. We tried to make the experience nicer for him with warm wipes, fluffy rug under his head, mobile to look at etc but ultimately it just needed doing. I’m sure you speak to your baby at other times and don’t just ignore them all day?

Thankfully the screaming phase is over, so please be reassured that it does end. Now it’s all about trying to roll off the changing table, which he only stops doing if I either sing ‘Wind the Bobbin Up’ loudly while maintaining eye contact and smiling maniacally, give him a remote control (batteries removed) to hold while I change him, or show him this mad singing elephant his auntie gave him. Babies. What a trip!

Why are men* so fucking weird?

*obligatory "some"

You don't need to make it awkward, it doesn't need to be a full conversation (I find talking to a baby weird- neurodivergent here).

BUT I did something like this eh if he is crying during change

"Hey hey baby, it's ok, shhhh shhhh don't worry, all done in a minute, shhhh shhhh mamas here just got to change this nappy, shhhh don't cry it'll be ok etc"

Not sure if that helps?
My boy hated being undresssed too so I remember it well!

OP you’ve read enough replies here to hopefully understand that giving your newborn the silent treatment is a bit weird.

They are a little person and talking is building a bond. Singing is fun too they love you to sing

Talk to your baby. Its good for them. Its that simple. It doesn't matter if its not your style and I'm not saying you are cold and uncaring but talk to your child and when they really need yo be comforted by your calm voice (when they are hurt or poorly for eg) then they will be used to it and it will help. If you don't want to do a running commentary try just thr same sentence over and over - Its OK is enough until you feel more confident

When your baby is lying down on the changing mat looking at you, it's almost impossible not to respond to them by talking back.

I don't want to sound mean, because you sound like you care about your baby, but being so cut off from them that they r seen as an object to change as fast as possible, rather than a tiny human who is looking at your for comfort, is a bit worrying.

I'd maybe get some support and explain your feelings to the health visitor. They be able to support you a bit.

I say hello to sheep and cows and have a little chat. Running commentary with babies you tell them what you are doing. It’s even more odd if you talk all the time to the baby and then fall silent at nappy change time, they will pick up on that. Very unsettling.

It’s this warm, soft, casual chatter that builds secure attachment and a bond. Don’t miss the opportunities for that.

Remember the days are long but the years are short.

Talking is so important - you're embedding vital concepts from the outset, not just making random sounds. As you get into the habit of doing it, they're learning sequences, anticipation, the concepts of up/down, left/right, number, routine - and that carries on not just into infancy, but toddlerhood and beyond with relative proportion (Big step/Little step), counting steps, colours - it's learning that starts with the secure safety of changes and baths.

I used to work as a first aider with teenagers - you know, those great hulking creatures that look simply terrifying compared to your tiny new baby - and this inevitably involved many, many twisted ankles and knees. Once I was happy that they weren't showing signs of severe damage to tissues or bones, I'd bandage them and help put their shoes back on again, as I was already there and 70% hadn't done their laces for what looked like weeks (hardly surprising that they'd twisted something with their feet slopping around in their shoes like that).

Purely on autopilot, when it got to 'Shoes...right foot <tied>...left food...<tied>...All done! <tap, tap on the soles>', they'd be smiling because it took them straight back to being tiny and cared for by somebody who talked them through everything.

I might have got a smile from the very few fully grown blokes I helped with their shoes after injury or illness, too.

It may seem like a nothing, but it is that deeply encoded.

I think you should talk to him. Verbal communication is so important at that age so use it in every possible situation. It’s not only comforting, it’s teaching him language.

You mention that “She also often gets a bit distressed herself by our baby boy crying without being comforted”. Her reaction is normal. Yours isn’t. Why is he ever crying without being comforted? You can’t “spoil” a baby, it’s your job to look after this tiny helpless human and ensure that he feels safe at all times. It doesn’t matter if it’s inconvenient or makes things take longer - You are a parent, not a minimum wage nursery worker who can’t be arsed 🙄

It’s supposed to be distressing to hear your baby crying: that’s what drives you to wake up and get out of bed when you are so exhausted that you feel as if you are about to pass out. I feel for your wife if she can see you being so cold, and it might well lessen her love and attraction to you.

I do think it's possible to soothe them and get it done quickly...but I can also understand where you're coming from too.

When DD2 was just born, the HV knocked off the belly button scab when weighing her. Blood everywhere, freezing naked screaming baby, post partum me just trying to get through it as quickly as possible and get her clean and dressed. I just completely zoned out, blocked out the noise and got on with it and I remember the HV saying 'talk to her!' which just made me feel crapper than I already did tbh.

Anyway my point is sometimes you can and do just have to tune things out and get on with it but mostly if not rushed or stressed I think it's best to talk to them

If you think about the task, which is incomprehensible to the baby 'why, when I am wet and uncomfortable, are you moving me, letting the cold in, wiping my sore bum, faffing around with clothes' , then the baby needs some soothing. You're actually laying the foundations for their internal self soothing as they grow up, the ability to have a reassuring internal dialogue to get through tricky or uncomfortable but necessary situations. The baby doesn't know what you know, that it will be over soon, but they can build trust in you knowing best if they can hear and sense your reactions. Babies (at extreme end) who don't get soothed when distressed learn to dissociate, don't develop relational to and fro abilities and develop avoidant or anxious attachment styles.

And parentese has value www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/speaking-parentese-young-children-can-boost-their-language-development

And me ❤️ 🤣

It's really important for language development and your baby will also be comforted by the sound of your voice.

Think this might be my favourite thing I've read on MN!

If it helps, you can say literally whatever you like in a soothing voice at that age.

My husband told our son he was so stinky he was sending him to a gulag when he was a week old. But he made a song and dance about it, which eventually made him giggle when he was older.

I used to stop and sing etc until they calmed down, within a few days there was no distress at all so the effort was worth it

Honestly I think it depends. My dad did every single night feed and night nappy change as my mums sing song running commentary and constant humming meant that I was wide awake and wouldn’t resettle and it also disturbed him for hours on end and he was writing to support us all. He took over when I was 4-5 weeks, got me and my sister feed and changed in almost darkness with zero eye contact. Then cuddled me, shushed me for a few seconds and put me back to bed. I was like my mum the first time and I ended up with a daughter that would not settle at all and scratched all night long. I had to eventually leave to cry it out over 4 nights as I was on my knees. The next 3 kids, I followed what my dad did with me and my kids all slept through no issue. But that’s at night time. I have grand kids now and I’m the same. In day time I have to say, I don’t really engage with them during nappy changes as it’s non negotiable. They have to be changed. But once it’s done I will absolutely give them a cuddle and distract them. If they do well getting charged then I will say well done after wards. But I don’t tend to do a running commentary at all for nappy changes BUT I do if I’m cooking /playing up food, at the zoo/ on the bus/in the car etc