Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

if you keep taking the short term/easy way out (and doing things yourself) you'll never be quite happy or quite fulfilled together. a small effort now will be well rewarded in the longer term.
i think you have two very clear things to consider, ideally together, and decide how you want to move forward.
the second thing is which jobs are to be done by whom: him, you, cleaner, household-secretary.
the first thing is how those jobs are to be done.
i would suggest you introduce a new job each day, with an ideal frequency of repetition. each job should ideally be learned via a youtube instruction, but some might need written instructions from you.
eg: walk around the house picking up all dirty/discarded clothing, towels, etc; divide by colour and then by washing temperature, follow youtube instructions for washing largest pile of clothes each day. (and now is the time to set patters for hanging out wet clothes, rather than using drier and warming the globe.)
or: look at car insurance/mot papers and find date for renewal, enter date a fortnight ahead onto calendar; when date arises phone around for possible cheaper price (for equal cover) and ensure cover is arranged in good time.
each task to be repeated several times before deciding who should do it "until circumstances change".
that way you can both work on agreeing a happy balance, of which jobs should be done in-house and which outsourced, while your partner gains an understanding of what those jobs actually involve.
good luck however you decide to move forward.

The answer to your question is, you need to stop doing any of this stuff yourself. Even if just for a transitional period, resist the urge to do any of it. He needs to understand how it feels to live in a dirty house and be hungry, until he feels motivated to do something about it himself. Don’t protect him from the consequences of his own inaction by doing stuff yourself.

You can discuss this with him as a deliberate plan because if he’s a nice as you say he is, he will definitely be wanting to change his ways.

You will also have to endure the dirty house (although you could potentially do your own laundry and cook your own food) but it should be worth it in the long run.

You actually don’t have to suck it up at all. OP can ask him to move out back to his mate’s spare room or whatever else juvenile shit he wants to do. No one ever has to suck it up when poor behaviour is involved. He’s a lazy prick and i don’t believe half the stories he’s told OP either. A man who has been that successful and has managed to have three families, is not incapable, he just chooses to be. Lazy wanker.

Yes. This. Did he leave his previous partner and move straight in with you?

If not, then he presumably had his own home, managed to pay his bills, buy food, cook meals, clean clothes etc. He could do it. He’s just too selfish and lazy.

This. I'm living with a partner who had 2 severe health issues in 3 months. It has definitely affected his energy levels, his mental health and his cognitive ability. Other people don't see it. After being with him for 40 years I do. Could it be that your dp is the same? Wishing you well!

The man in question is a parasite.

I think you lost me at “at all his previous partners/wives”

@glensof OP if you’re still out there - please don’t feel this is just a Mumsnet pile on.
It’s unanimous outrage on your behalf. It’s vocal & brutally honest because it’s the truth. Please try ro open your eyes! You’re being taken completely for a ride. Your good nature & kind heart & desire to be with someone & not alone - is skewing how you view this man. As women & sisters were trying to help. And all of us can’t be wrong 💐

And despite your generosity he can't pick up his own socks or wash his cup when he's free all day?

Why is this good enough?

Fuck the list. It is not OP's job to should yet another task for a weaponised incompetent.

OP, does this sound familiar? Women's Mental Load and 'You Should Have Asked'.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Yep. A man in his 60’s who the OP describes as exceptionally financially successful doesn’t even own a one bedroom flat? And when he’s between partners he lives in his mates spare room - he can’t even stretch to renting a flat or terrace house?

Something doesn’t quite add up regarding the career and financial success of this prince among men

"dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes."

You're booking his dentist?

Is anything his fault?

You don't need to fix anything. He does.

This isn't a can't thing. It's a won't one.

He understands he just doesn't care, and he doesn't need to because you keep picking up after him and think this is your problem to fix. So he doesn't have a problem..

Agree.

Is he telling porkies about his 'successful' life so that OP does not feel like he is a sponging freeloader?

He's the one who needs to work on it - fix it not you!

If you love him so much sounds like you have to accept him as he is. If he doesn’t help you he will still live with you. Just do him a list like other pp have said and if he doesn’t help you are going to have to suck it up can’t force him. maybe he likes the idea of being taken care of like his other partners did. Sometimes people are just really lazy selfish people and he sounds like one of them maybe u mother him and this is how he wants relationships to be.

Unbelievable. Please stop. You deserve so much better

Ah, forgot that.

Every single answer from the OP to a question, explains/gives some excuse for the situation. I'm thinking "nowt as deaf as those who don't want to hear"

In your circumstances I'd see if you can get an Occupational Therapist to come and assess the situation. You'll probably need to find one privately.

There's the potential that his illness / the treatment has damaged his executive function. And the potential that he's fatigued again from the illness / treatment. It may not be the case that the entire problem is him being used to having a partner at home full time. Even if it is, OTs are the right professionals to teach missing skills, including organisation.

May be worth selling this on the basis that neither of you is young so he needs skills to be independent (or at least independent enough to buy in the help he needs). There's obvious stuff Martin Lewis says about people being in a practical/ financial pickle when a partner dies because they handled everything.

If the relationships are such as to make the questions ok, what do his children and ex partners think?

Oh Fuck - imagine having to make a list for a grown man of what basic tasks need to be done ti maintain basic living standards!

imagine having to go to that effort and sit and think through everything he needs to do and write it out. Every little fucking task. How depressing. Does he need to be told to get dressed? Have a shower? Brush his teeth?

can he look in the fridge and see what food is needed, or does he need this explained?

If he is of basic intelligence he doesn’t need a list. He is just a lazy sexist pig who is used to being babied by the women in his life.

how on earth does any women tolerate this shit. I would never make a list!

This l was going to suggest making a list.

This. Which bits are good?!

He’s a useless, unemployed (60YO?) bum who can’t pick his own socks up. What attracted you to this absolute catch?

Hugely financially successful in the past or is that just the yarn he’s spun you?

Multiple ex wives/girlfriends with/without children and he was used to them being SAH dogsbodies?

Get rid before Captain grubby socks starts eyeing up your pension because I’ll bet that’s the next thing.