Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

This is excellent advice. If you can't bear to see pants and sock on the floor, by all means kick them into a pile in the corner, but DON'T WASH THEM. Leave his stuff and drop the rope. If he has any brains at all (and I assume, having run a business, he has), he will learn how to manage his own laundry. No nagging required. Just shrug your shoulders....

...sits around scratching his arse...
Can't see the appeal, OP.

I make lists for myself 😃. My DH and I (and kids) have got into a good routine where we each know what our responsibilities are and get on with it. OP isnt at that stage yet and they asked for practical suggestions on how to fix it hence the suggestion. Would take 5 mins to write on a board a list of regular responsibilities and could help DP to take ownership of some household tasks and take some load away from the OP.

2 options

A) Sit down and show him what you have just written. Ask him if he is prepared to take on the role of wife while you earn the money.

B) leave him, because you will end up hating him and losing all respect for him . You have a parent child dynamic. It’s the biggest passion killer.

Good Luck.

You are probably better off living alone. I honestly don’t know why women chose to live with Men if they don’t have to.

There are so many old threads on mumsnet about women who have themselves well set up (good home, good job etc) and then find themselves the targets of men missing home comforts.

I was never the main interest of men when I was younger, but its amazing how the tide turns when you own your own home how quickly a man who is homeless can 'fall in love'

This man brings nothing to the table for you. For previous wives he recognised that work around the home needed to be done, and was happy to pay to support them so they had the time to do that, whilst he earned. He knows what a nice home and home comforts are. With you, he's not bringing money in, he's allowing you to support him, and do all the 'wife work'. Why are you allowing him to treat you so much worse that his ex's?

If he loved you, he would want to take care of you. Whether that is financially, or by cooking you dinner, or by running the hoover round- because it makes you happy.

The fact is, he likes his life with you, he likes the set up. If he loved you, he would bring something to the table.

People talk about 'love languages' the things that mean a lot to them and are the physical ways they express their love. For some its gifts, for some its cooking, for some its giving of time- they vary hugely from person to person. What is his to you? What does he do, to go out of his way to show you that you mean the world to him?

Cleaners don't generally round up discarded clothing and used cups from all over the house, the cooking, washing up or laundry, etc etc.

It sounds like the OP is doing a lot of tidying before the cleaner can clean, which is obviously ridiculous because he could just put things in their proper place instead of dropping them everywhere or at least tidy round before the cleaner comes as well as the lion's share of cooking, laundry, DIY and gardening etc.

If he applied himself for a couple of hours a day it would make an enormous difference to the running of the household instead he's hugely adding to the OPs workload instead of making himself useful.

She has a cleaner.😂

Getting a cleaner would solve part of your problem. The other part - appointments - this he CAN manage.

I know a man like this and I find it baffling that he seems so genuinely unaware what needs to be done with a strong belief in the 'pick things up, put them away close cupboard doors afterwards' fairy.

He's a friend of DPs that he met via an activity holiday and when they started doing trips away I decided to tag along because it meant I could spend a few days sitting around in the sun, swimming in a warm outdoor pool in a location I like very much, visiting museums etc and we could chill in the afternoon, go out for dinner etc.

I really think that DPs useless mate (who has a DP he lives with who must also be his cleaning and tidying fairy) thought he'd brought me so I could do the cooking and tidying etc so he was genuinely astonished when I sat outside admiring the view while DP made coffee for us both in the morning, also that I didn't clean up after them when they went out or do the grocery shopping because I just got myself ready and went out for the day and got back at about the same time as they did, when I'd join in with the cooling off in the pool and sitting around chatting with drinks.

So all the doors that he left open remained open, his food left out, clothes everywhere remained, his washing left in the machine and the only times I stepped in was to check that the external doors were closed when I went out and to remove the plastic bottle of olive oil that he left close to a still switched on hob that fortunately I found just before it was about to melt, go everywhere and probably set fire to the kitchen.

I read him the riot act after that because even if the 'only' consequence would have been to have to clean up a litre of oil that had leaked into every crevice in a kitchen it would have been catastrophic mess that he would probably have ignored. But there's a few in the group and I think they've all privately and collectively decided not to travel with him again for these sorts of reasons because it's like being in charge of a young teenager rather than travelling with a fully functioning adult and not worth the stress.

But for the OP, it sounds like you just can't live with him, unless you can send him away for a few months to 'adulting school'.

If you both want the relationship to work with a more equitable division of labour (both mental and physical) it will probably cost you additional mental load initially in finding solutions to ‘teaching’ him how to manage in life.

For example, my BiL has learning disabilities and had always lived at home, when he then came to start living more independently he’d never cleaned a bathroom; I had to talk him through it, buy the products and then wrote him a timetable of what and when.

It strikes me that a student going to university might be in a similar place - are there any books on the subject that might be a place to start?

TLB. It’s weaponised incompetence.

Making a list is another chore for OP to do for this man. People make lists for children. Employers make lists for employees.

do you make lists for your adult partner?

My DH was like this back along. So I stopped ✋️. Admittedly he has built a brilliant house for us and is very handy, but, we both work full time, I leave before him and get back after him. He works as a builder for himself. Originally his only jobs were in the house were to empty the kitchen bin and the dishwasher. These he does with no prompting. However, his work washing, separate to our ordinary washing, general tidying after ourselves, the clearing up after I have cooked dinner. I stopped. Nothing said. Not my circus anymore. And it worked. No 'nagging' needed. If he doesn't do his work clothes, his problem, dinner plates and pots, he puts them in the dishwasher. Even plumping cushions on sofa before bed, he does his share. He realised that he likes a nice tidy home and I am not his servant. I now have the power to walk out of the room and leave him to do things whereas before I would have jumped in and taken over. We all have our own monkeys in the circus, just choose which belong to whom. Good luck.

Yep or Harry act daft!!

He’s unlikely to change so if you’re not happy about this situation today imagine how you might feel six months / a year down the road.

Your English is perfect; it's your standards that are the problem.

OP are you sure he can't afford the things you pay for? I bet he has loads in the bank but won't spend any of it.

@Minglingpringle "The answer to your question is, you need to stop doing any of this stuff yourself. Even if just for a transitional period, resist the urge to do any of it. He needs to understand how it feels to live in a dirty house and be hungry, until he feels motivated to do something about it himself. Don’t protect him from the consequences of his own inaction by doing stuff yourself.

You can discuss this with him as a deliberate plan because if he’s a nice as you say he is, he will definitely be wanting to change his ways."

If he's as nice as the OP says he is, there would be no need for this crap. Because no adult man who can form adult relationships genuinely believes that clothes get clean by magic and a fairy cooks the dinner.

He lodged with a friend for a year before moving into OP's house, and the friend's wife did all that stuff for him. 🙄He treats the women in his life, all of them, even the ones he's not in an intimate relationship with, as his slaves.

OP have you tried starting with a list of tasks you’d like him to do each day? From what you are saying, it may not be that he’s not willing but that he has a lack of awareness of what you need from him

it will take time. Take one thing at a time and teach him. For example start with picking up his socks etc and putting them in the laundry bin and progress to putting the laundry in the washing-machine and switching it on. If it doesn’t get done, be firm. Repetition and reinforcement are key. I have been married too such a man-child for 55 years. We’re getting there.

No that’s why the OP said ‘Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one:’.

in answer to OP question rather than just to slate the guy which serves no purpose at all

you need to get together get organised write it down.do a list of everything that needs doing .a daily list

tbh if he’s never done it for 40 years he will be clueless he was never going to hit the ground running with this one

I don't understand how a woman can be sexually attracted to a man whom they have to mother. It's weird.

Just do less and less slowly,he might get the hint..but he might not lol..my husband is a bit unhelpful round the house ie he doesn't think to run the hoover round etc but if I ask him he does whatever I need,he says he just doesn't think which I respect as when asked he does it...looks like you've got a bit of training to do...good luck🙃😅