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AIBU?

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Original poster

Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

854 replies

glensof · 24/01/2025 17:08

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.

Our relationship is brilliant in all respects, apart from one: he does absolutely zero "housework" of any sorts. Not only physical things (dishes, laundry, cooking, minor diy and such), but also no "mental load" of any sorts (doctor's appointments, bills, insurance, subscriptions - all his own). His level of competence in domestic duties / life admin is roughly at the level of a pre-schooler - I am serious.

All his previous partners / wives have been 100% homemakers (whether there were children in the relationship or not), and he doesn't have much experience living on his own, or with a woman who has to work for a living. He's been exceptionally financially successful in the past so it was no issue at all, but now his circumstances have changed quite dramatically and it is no longer the case.

I am the only breadwinner now, and it started to annoy me that after a long stressful work day I have a second shift picking his socks from the floor and collecting dishes / mugs from the house. We discussed it openly and he does fully understand where I am coming from, and is very apologetic. If I ask him explicitly to do something, he will do with absolutely no complaints - but I just can't constantly micromanage an adult to this level ("go and pick up your socks first darling, and then we'll discuss current affairs and geopolitics"). I feel like a nagging shallow bitch so I just do it myself. His problem is that he can't immediately unlearn nearly 40 years of previous coupled life - he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes. He genuinely just doesn't see these tasks, understand how long they take or how frequently they need to be done - they don't even register with him as "something that needs to be done for my comfort by someone".

I love him to bits and I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life (in a good way). This post is not to complain, but genuinely to seek advice on how to fix the situation. I am quite a messy creature myself, and have a higher than average tolerance to domestic chaos - but it now started getting even to me, and I was a bit snappy several times.

OP posts:
Original poster
glensof · 26/01/2025 20:00

CruCru · 26/01/2025 13:23

All - the OP put up her first post just after 5pm on Friday and her last just under two hours later. I don’t expect her to return.

I am reading and there were a couple of very useful suggestions. "Unfuck your habitat" a PP suggested looks like a very useful approach - similar to the pomodoro approach, but with detailed checklists.
I did not expect such a pile up, so I avoided participating since. I am not new to mn, it was a name change so I did expect some criticism, but I did not expect such outright hostility and people making up shocking stories in their head - and then attacking me based on that. I can't really believe someone suggested domestic abuse counselling or invoicing a person you love for household chores, so can't really engage with these contributions in good faith. I don't have self esteem issues, I don't have a history of abuse in previous relationships, my own children are well provisioned for and I find a suggestion that as a single parent in my early 40s I need to put all my free money into their inheritance rather than paying for a cleaner for myself to make my life a bit more comfortable quite funny - are there people who seriously prioritise like this?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 26/01/2025 17:32

LostittoBostik · 26/01/2025 16:50

Wow @Lentilweaver I missed that detail.

Amazing any women can get over the ick of that. But it does suggest quite staggering incompetence rather than purely weaponised within relationships because omg how would you get over the shame of asking for that?!

This is a 60 year old man who doesn’t work, lives tent feee on his partners house while she’s working to bankroll his lifestyle and he can’t be arsed to pick his dirty socks off the floor or ronde a mug - and she’s his 4th long term cohabitation partner. I’m not sure the word shame is in his dictionary

lottiegarbanzo · 26/01/2025 17:27

To put this another way OP, stop interfering. Stop trying to control him.

Let the man be the man and make his own decision about whether he's interested enough in this relationship to put in the necessary effort to make it work.

If he CBA he's letting you know that he's not that into you. Listen to him. Respect his choice.

RawBloomers · 26/01/2025 17:09

LostittoBostik · 26/01/2025 16:50

Wow @Lentilweaver I missed that detail.

Amazing any women can get over the ick of that. But it does suggest quite staggering incompetence rather than purely weaponised within relationships because omg how would you get over the shame of asking for that?!

He gets over the shame by not feeling it - because he thinks it’s women’s work to do all the mundane things.

LostittoBostik · 26/01/2025 16:50

Wow @Lentilweaver I missed that detail.

Amazing any women can get over the ick of that. But it does suggest quite staggering incompetence rather than purely weaponised within relationships because omg how would you get over the shame of asking for that?!

Lentilweaver · 26/01/2025 16:45

JayJayEl · 26/01/2025 16:23

@glensof I'm not sure if this has been asked and answered, but what has he done during periods of being single? Assuming every relationship hasn't been back-to-back.

He's got his friend's wife to be his handmaiden.
OP won't be returning.
Can you imagine asking your friend's wife to make your GP appointments?

JayJayEl · 26/01/2025 16:23

@glensof I'm not sure if this has been asked and answered, but what has he done during periods of being single? Assuming every relationship hasn't been back-to-back.

Emanresu52 · 26/01/2025 16:11

Deadline for him in a couple of weeks to shape up or ship out. What a man baby. What does he do ALL day?

lottiegarbanzo · 26/01/2025 16:07

You cannot fix this. It's not your problem to solve.

Either he loves you enough to get his act together and make the relationship work or he doesn't.

You can't make him love you enough. All you can do is decide whether what he offers is good enough for you.

Pessismistic · 26/01/2025 15:29

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/01/2025 23:33

You actually don’t have to suck it up at all. OP can ask him to move out back to his mate’s spare room or whatever else juvenile shit he wants to do. No one ever has to suck it up when poor behaviour is involved. He’s a lazy prick and i don’t believe half the stories he’s told OP either. A man who has been that successful and has managed to have three families, is not incapable, he just chooses to be. Lazy wanker.

Show quote history

If you read her earlier post she actually wrote she doesn’t want him to leave as she loves him so much so what’s her alternative?

blueshoes · 26/01/2025 15:20

NutsForMutts · 26/01/2025 14:29

I already weighed in before, and with my own issues, but I’m now imagining this man as maybe a creative type, former rock star or the like, who just never got the info about doing household stuff or life admin. And had willing women around who would…

Good imagination.

This supposed creative rock star who is "exceptionally financially successful in the past" did not manage to amass a home after all those years and now has to sofa surf with a friend until he conveniently moved in with OP his next victim to live out a life of Reilly with another woman waiting on him hand and foot.

He is an exceptional cocklodger.

BellaPizza · 26/01/2025 14:30

NutsForMutts · 26/01/2025 14:29

I already weighed in before, and with my own issues, but I’m now imagining this man as maybe a creative type, former rock star or the like, who just never got the info about doing household stuff or life admin. And had willing women around who would…

He is being treated as if he is the prize

NutsForMutts · 26/01/2025 14:29

I already weighed in before, and with my own issues, but I’m now imagining this man as maybe a creative type, former rock star or the like, who just never got the info about doing household stuff or life admin. And had willing women around who would…

BellaPizza · 26/01/2025 14:29

Mrsbloggz · 26/01/2025 14:27

Indeed cultures wehre women are oppressed to the extent that they have no choice but to do all the domestic work are usually also cultures where they are unable to secure well-paid work!
This bloke has struck lucky and managed to find a woman who is malleable enough for him to have the best of both worlds.

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And in that dynamic the man is the breadwinner

Mrsbloggz · 26/01/2025 14:27

TwistedWonder · 26/01/2025 14:04

Agree. I’m not aware of any cultures where a woman works full time, financially supports her unemployed partner and still does all the domestic chores while he sits scratching his nuts all day.

Show quote history

Indeed cultures wehre women are oppressed to the extent that they have no choice but to do all the domestic work are usually also cultures where they are unable to secure well-paid work!
This bloke has struck lucky and managed to find a woman who is malleable enough for him to have the best of both worlds.

TwistedWonder · 26/01/2025 14:04

SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName · 26/01/2025 13:59

If the OP is from a culture where women are expected to do all domestic duties, doesn't that culture also expect men to take care of things financially?

It's such a contradiction! I don't buy it.

Agree. I’m not aware of any cultures where a woman works full time, financially supports her unemployed partner and still does all the domestic chores while he sits scratching his nuts all day.

SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName · 26/01/2025 13:59

If the OP is from a culture where women are expected to do all domestic duties, doesn't that culture also expect men to take care of things financially?

It's such a contradiction! I don't buy it.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/01/2025 13:41

Calliecarpa · 26/01/2025 06:52

He lodged with a friend for a year before moving into OP's house, and the friend's wife did all that stuff for him. 🙄He treats the women in his life, all of them, even the ones he's not in an intimate relationship with, as his slaves.

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This ^^

@OldMam and @MumsGoneToIceland this man has supposedly run a successful company, had three long term relationships and children; why should OP have to teach him to pick his dirty socks up daily? That’s pathetic and exactly why men get away with that shit. My sons tried doing that-I told them that if they carried on, then their dirty washing would be put in their beds. It carried on-so I did pick things up daily so I didn’t have to see them-and put them in their beds. They didn’t like that so much. They don’t do it now! But they are children not a pathetic 60 yr old man-if he needs teaching to put his dirty socks in the wash basket or washing machine he is just sending a clear message to the women around him and no “list” will solve that.

Calliecarpa · 26/01/2025 13:34

I agree that the OP is unlikely to return. From her updates, she seemed genuinely baffled that we don't all see this sponging, piss-taking cocklodger as an utterly amazing and wonderful life partner who just happens to have a teeny tiny little flaw.

blueshoes · 26/01/2025 13:33

Calliecarpa · 26/01/2025 06:52

He lodged with a friend for a year before moving into OP's house, and the friend's wife did all that stuff for him. 🙄He treats the women in his life, all of them, even the ones he's not in an intimate relationship with, as his slaves.

Show quote history

I wonder if he was a disrespectful to his friend and made his friend pick up after him.

OP, can you find out from the friend? That would be telling.

MumsGoneToIceland · 26/01/2025 13:31

Bellyblueboy · 26/01/2025 13:13

I don’t mind making lists for myself. But I think I would lose all respect for a man who needs to be told, on a list, to gather his clothes and put them in the washing machine. What would that list look like for a household that already has a cleaner?

  1. after you have finished your breakfast, lift plate and cup and put in the dishwasher.
  2. if dishwasher is full of clean plates etc empty first.
  3. go into the bedroom, lift your clothes off the floor, take them to the washing machine, put them inside the washing machine, put powder in the drawer, turn washing machine on.
  4. once washing is finished, hang out your clothes or put in tumble drier.
  5. look in the fridge and cupboards. Is there food enough forod for the next few days? If not make a list of ingredients for meals you would enjoy and can prepare. Check if there are other basics (toilet roll, washing powder, dishwasher tablets,). Go to an shop and buy what is on this list.
  6. when you get home from the shop, take the groceries out of the bags and put them away.

that is really humoring weaponised incompetence.

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No clearly didn’t mean that level of detail, the suggestion is for the OP to take or leave as they sit see fit, I’m pretty sure they knew what I meant

TwistedWonder · 26/01/2025 13:24

CruCru · 26/01/2025 13:23

All - the OP put up her first post just after 5pm on Friday and her last just under two hours later. I don’t expect her to return.

She’s probably been busy picking up
his dirty underwear, paying his bills and wiping his backside.

CruCru · 26/01/2025 13:23

All - the OP put up her first post just after 5pm on Friday and her last just under two hours later. I don’t expect her to return.

Bellyblueboy · 26/01/2025 13:13

MumsGoneToIceland · 26/01/2025 12:40

I make lists for myself 😃. My DH and I (and kids) have got into a good routine where we each know what our responsibilities are and get on with it. OP isnt at that stage yet and they asked for practical suggestions on how to fix it hence the suggestion. Would take 5 mins to write on a board a list of regular responsibilities and could help DP to take ownership of some household tasks and take some load away from the OP.

Show quote history

I don’t mind making lists for myself. But I think I would lose all respect for a man who needs to be told, on a list, to gather his clothes and put them in the washing machine. What would that list look like for a household that already has a cleaner?

  1. after you have finished your breakfast, lift plate and cup and put in the dishwasher.
  2. if dishwasher is full of clean plates etc empty first.
  3. go into the bedroom, lift your clothes off the floor, take them to the washing machine, put them inside the washing machine, put powder in the drawer, turn washing machine on.
  4. once washing is finished, hang out your clothes or put in tumble drier.
  5. look in the fridge and cupboards. Is there food enough forod for the next few days? If not make a list of ingredients for meals you would enjoy and can prepare. Check if there are other basics (toilet roll, washing powder, dishwasher tablets,). Go to an shop and buy what is on this list.
  6. when you get home from the shop, take the groceries out of the bags and put them away.

that is really humoring weaponised incompetence.

Susan7654 · 26/01/2025 13:09

Why not find a cleaner that can do tidying up too? is it not a thing?