Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

There are actually many suggestions on this thread. And I suspect that however much OP loves him now and doesn’t want to leave him right now, that over time any love, passion and respect that she currently has for him will be eroded if this is not sorted out and she will be making him leave her home.

And in all honesty if she doesn’t have the conversation with him and he doesn’t reflect and step up to the plate then that will be soon. There is no passion and respect from (or due to) a man who thinks a woman should pick up his dirty socks from wherever he chooses to take them off and leave them.

Another poster used the word 'groupie', and the OP's updates brought the exact same word to my mind too. So now we know that the cocklodger amazingly awesome partner is in a creative field, perhaps quite famous even, or at least well known or renowned in his particular field. Seems as though for his entire adult life, women have been cooing 'Oh, isn't Johnny so wonderfully special and talented and unique? Of course he can't be expected to lower himself to caring about things like dirty cups and buying loo roll, lke ordinary people have to do. We'll take care of that for him! We're not worthy!' I can imagine that he's very charismatic and charming, and that some women easily fall under his spell, as the OP has done. Problem is though, after a few years the spell wears off, hence his pattern of cohabiting relationships for the last four decades that last roughly 10 years.

i wouldn’t say the age difference is outrageous, it is what it is, but it clearly puts you in a disadvantaged position. This was the exact age difference between my PIL. MIL met FIL when he was in his prime, a very successful career, living independently and amicably divorced. They’ve been together for a long time, raised children together and contributed equally to the household.

The age gap was still very obvious as FIL grew older and my MIL had become resentful and unhappy, it was obvious she deeply regretted her decision, although my FIL worked part-time till his death, was in relatively good health, cooked, paid for a cleaner, and managed a lion share of their life admin. Still, he was an old man with all the minor health issues of old men and very obviously at a completely different life stage than hers. She never had to become his carer and still the age gap put her at a disadvantage.

Your situation is very different and you have already started at a much more unequal/disadvantaged position.

He doesn't pay anything? Is your philosophy that the house is yours so you'd be paying the bills etc anyway? We have a situation like this in that my husband moved into my house so i was used to paying everything, except he pays his way.
Your bloke doesn't pay for food, doesn't pay any bills, doesn't do anything?

Why did you bother posting OP because you're not listening to anyone

People are making suggestions the OP has already rejected. She doesn't want to live separately.
Hire a PA or maybe a virtual assistant and increase cleaner to daily as you say you don't want to keep tabs.

Baffled as to how you could not have noticed these traits before he moved in, and baffled how this doesn’t make him deeply unattractive to you.

Communication is key, you just need to sit him down and agree some expectations if it’s going to work. If he can’t change then go back to living separately.

And yet his utter incompetence clearly started with his parents and how he was raised. A lesson to those with boys cos let's face it, it's rarely girls who end up as grown women living like this.

He casted a magic spell on you!

Wow I am surprised at the 18 year age gap. That makes the set up you describe even more incomprehensible as in why oh why are you living with a man like this? and also it is even less likely he will ever change.

As pp said, the only answer seems to be to hire a PA for him and raise your cleaner hours. As you have rejected every other solution.

I am not sure why you are resistant to that idea.

I am not significantly younger than him to the point where it is outrageous, there's 18 years between us

That is pretty outrageous.

So, at the moment, you're funding him and cooking/cleaning for him. Soon, you'll be caring for him. Is that really what you want your future to look like?

Are you sure you don't have low self esteem?

Why did you gradually take over his life admin starting before he even moved in with you?

To me that is textbook low self esteem - thinking that his time, even though he has much more of it than you, is more important than yours

Your English is fine OP, and you make yourself very clear. If this relationship is to continue he will have to step up. Its no good just outsourcing the jobs because his attitude to "women's work" won't change, and you will spend your mid or later years as a virtual servant to an old man who expects to be waited on. So you need to have a deep and serious conversation with him, and he needs to understand that he bears half the domestic responsibilities including the mental load and admin. He will need
to honestly commit to this and make a genuine effort to do it, and he will need to be successful. Tell him in all seriousness that you are not prepared to continue being a servant and take everything on and he needs to change his mindset.
Then, to "train" him you could make list of everything that needs doing and start on say a third of it the first week and build up over a month. If you are lucky he will accept the need, and make the effort, and take responsibility for some tasks. I hope he is clueless rather than selfish, but it has to change. If he doesn't step up, your choice is quite grim .. 🍀

@NutsForMutts What probably matters more is if he is a kind person with a good heart.

A kind person with a good heart doesn't let a partner working full time engage in plenty of free labour when she gets home after a long day and he's been playing with his thumbs.

Don't fall for this op. He's looking for a mother/housekeeper/cook and bottleceasher not a partner.
Move on. It will never change

I think the OP probably can bring about some basic changes where he does a bit more and maybe they muddle through. Probably unrealistic that he will become a house husband after years of privilege/entitlement. I don’t think that is the end of the world either but as mentioned earlier I tend to suck it up myself with my own basket case DH. In the OP’s defense I think it’s unfair to say she has to see if he loves her or respects her enough to change. I don’t think clueless or incapable men don’t love or respect enough, they can just lack the programming or don’t really understand the necessities of daily life and grow accustomed to others dealing with such things. I don’t think it’s a measure of love or respect. Not everyone has that insight or empathy to understand how it can make the other person feel because to them it’s a bit of a non issue in the first place. What probably matters more is if he is a kind person with a good heart.

There is an age difference of 18 years and this will become more apparent as time goes on. I speak as a daughter who witnessed this with my parents.

But come on it’s really not normal that he’s not financially contributing to your household. Nobody can live rent free and then you are saying he doesn’t clean and cook and clear up after himself. Really this isn’t normal.

Come to think of it, his ex-wives and partners are probably glad he has you so they don't have to worry about caring for him once he starts to lose it.

An 18 year age gap IS outrageous. It's a huge gap.

If you "need to put all your free money into their inheritance rather than paying for a cleaner " why are you spending it on supporting this waster?

If that's the only issue then just hire him a cleaning woman and a personal assistant, if money is not an issue for you nor his freeloading ways so why just not hire help? problem solved. You'll be soon hiring a nurse too, that's going to be another chore so add her to the staff.

You’re 10 years younger than me and I wouldn’t consider a partner 10 years older with these habits. There’s nothing less attractive than an old man who behaves like a child. Surely this is not your only option? You’re still young.

You are young enough to be his kid.
OP seriously this is now so daft I'm wondering if it's fiction.
But I'm going to assume it isn't and ask you to think about why you have such a low bar for relationships and to really work on that.
This is very dysfunctional.