Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

I could not live with a man like this, it would be impossible for me. Can you afford cleaner etc. Otherwise, I would be writing a list of chores and splitting it down the middle and saying do your half yourself, or pay someone to do your half for you, otherwise I am off. A grown adult can do household chores. Charging the car for example can be his job. You just never ever do that job from now and assign ownership to him. Same with other jobs for example bins, dusting or whatver half the chores are. Just never do them. I would never ever pair my husbands socks for example, I pull all washing out the dryer, sort into piles of whoes it is, then it is up to him to take it upstairs, iron and put away. I dont do anything other than take it out the dryer. The rest is his job.

What do your friends and people who care about you think of him? Do they know how things are at home?

He's moved from his Mum's to a girlfriend, to a wife x 3 and never had to learn how to run a house or do life admin.

The fact he's been divorced 3 times is a bit of a red flag.

Perhaps all the other women got fed up of having to do everything for him too.

I'm not sure OP. I feel like this isn't going to work. Perhaps all the other previous partners were equally disappointed at his lack of help too.

In the end, nobody wants a man-child do they?

I don't think I could continue to have sex with a man-child. It's just too much of a turn-off.

If he has the same values as you, then he should have equality and respect for each other as part of those.

Equality is equality within the house.

I'd love to have someone cook me a perfect meal every night and do my washing and book my dental appointments. But labour should be shared.

You're already earning for both of you. And now you're going to be his house-maid? He's really landed on his feet. I'm not sure this is love OP. I'm really not sure it is, no matter how many times you tell yourself that it is.

The reality is that the only reason those previous relationships lasted as long as 10 years is that he was funding his partners to stay at home and pick up after him.

I expect the charm of his personality wears off a lot faster when it is the only thing he is bringing to the table.

How has your fanny not shriveled up and died??? He doesn't think magic fairies cook dinner and wash up, he knows women do it and he has been happy for 40 years for multiple women to do this for him because he thinks it's women's work. It's sexist and it's deeply unpleasant.
I'm baffled about why you'd want to salvage something with such an epic cocklodger, but if you do then the only way you can is to move out until he is belatedly housetrained. That's the only way he's going to learn the stuff the rest of us learned as teens.

OP, you sound very much in the ‘crush’ stage. Where his laziness is a cute foible to be pitied, rather than pathetic weaponised incompetence. Stop making excuses for him and think whether you want to be charging his car and picking up his socks for another 20 years.

This is so ridiculous. An intelligent man who can run a business can absolutely run a household. I would be so resentful and would not be able to feel attraction towards a man like this.

I assume he moved into your place. Being very generous to him here, maybe he doesn’t feel at home or maybe you want things your way? Maybe read “Fair Play” by Rodsky, I think she also has a deck of cards with the same name. The deck of cards is meant as an aid to couples to sort out who’s responsible for what in the house.

If you're determined to stay in this relationship, at the VERY LEAST stop doing his life admin or anything that doesn't impact you directly.

His car isn't charged? Tough, he doesn't go anywhere or he gets the bus (assuming it's his car and you have your own).
Forgets a dentist's appointment? Tough, he can suck up the no-show charge.

Don't do any of his washing or ironing, if you can't bear to leave his socks on the floor, chuck 'em in a laundry basket and don't give them another thought.

Shame you're super busy at work and won't have time to cook from scratch, frozen pizza or beans on toast for the forseeable.

You get the picture.

This was my thought. Get him to download the app and work through the tasks.
He can teach himself, that isn't your job.

That won't help - they have a cleaner.
Having to write every single tiny little thing like 'put socks in the laundry basket' on a list is not going to work

You are not compatible!

I have been a homemaker for 20 years.
All good (yes, I have separate assets and my decent husband pays into my pension).
If you earn the living, he will have to become the homemaker.
Good luck with that. 🍀
OH -
another thought - drop him. 💧

not sure where all the "cocklodger" and "bin him" come from It came from the fact that he’s living off you and contributing nothing?! You’re out working long hours making all the money to support the both of you, meanwhile man can’t even pick up his socks off the floor..
How can you possibly find this attractive? Especially at your age?

I get that totally @glensof -what I would do is insist on a modest but fixed contribution every month towards bills and food - he would have that if on his own - plus he himself pays for a cleaner/ironer to do a clean for 2 hours a week plus an hours ironing-

Between that he needs to get a grip on keeping it right day to day and doing at least his own admin and any house admin too - tell him to think of it like 'a job' - if he had a business he's more than capable, he's choosing not to be ,unless he's seriously ill-

I think he would quickly move on to another housekeeper /maid/bedwarmer if you separated.

Bit like expecting people who like smoking to want to give up...

What does he do all day long while you are at work?

Seems like living apart would be best. You like him but he's useless domestically, so just have the good bits and remove the bad.

This sounds like something a mother would do for a child. This man is 60.

He lodged with a friend for a year
What about before?
Did you stay at his place?
What was that like?

So who did his life admin in the four years where you were in a relationship but not living together? he wasn't living with another woman then.

This is not your problem to solve, it is his. Whatever he has to do, write lists or schedules, make reminders throughout the day on his phone, just take some bloody responsibility, it is for him to do, commit to, and accept. You are not his parent and treating him like a child will severely affect your relationship. I can’t believe a man in his 60s has such a severe case of weaponised incompetence. Don’t accept it.

Probably all now good friends, have set up a counselling agency called The Great Escape! Best selling book coming out called Ditching the (Un) Domesticated Male!

So he has gone from one long term relationship to the next without ever having to live on his own and do things for himself. Do you not find that odd?

Write him a detailed weekly rota of everything that needs to be done so he has something to follow as this will not come natural to him. This rota will be the same every week so you will only have to do it once

If he didn’t change, I would leave. This is a dealbreaker for me. I vowed as a child I would never be treated like my mum was, and would be with somebody who shared childcare and domestic duties. As a result, I have an equal relationship.

He does not need special training to pick up his socks and wash his clothes and dishes and cook basic meals. I would find this incredibly unattractive in a man: a huge turn off. Ugh.