Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

I think you are just after some practical ideas to try and get him doing a bit more domestic stuff.

Does he cook? Could you choose meal delivery options like Hello Fresh or Gusto so he can have a meal prepared each evening for when you are home. Then together fill the dishwasher?

I seriously would leave the socks and mugs to pile up. Maybe after a few days drop the hint. My DH just doesn't see stuff lying around.

With only 2 of you and a cleaner there can't be much else that needs doing day to day.

As he's been ill maybe life admin will need some encouragement too - so remind him to make an appointment etc. Yes you shouldn't have to ask but asking him is better than doing it yourself.

Oh god yes I agree with this, I can't imagine having to book my husbands appointments.

In fact if he asked, the response from me would be 'fuxk off, I am not your PA' and then I would probably laugh as I would have assumed he is joking.

If you can't do your own personal admin then you are either so entitled that you expect someone else to do it instead of you or actually incapable due to some mental or physical issue.

I'm afraid that however nice he is, he sounds more like a child than an adult.

If he has run a successful business in the past, approach this as if it were a business/workplace task.

X and Y need to happen.
How can those goals be achieved?

It seems he was capable of identifying what needs to be done and sorting it out or finding an appropriate person to sort it when he ran a business, therefore he can apply the same to home.

Situation: 'Socks need to be on feet, or in the drawer marked Socks or in the laundry basket.'

Solution: 'Look for socks where socks should not be. Relocate socks appropriately when seen. Either run this as an 'always on' program or set up specific times a day to go on a stray sock hunt'.

Goal: Having clean clothes regularly.
Relevant facts: Washer takes 1.5 hours. X loads to be done per week. Drying takes X hours.
Solution: Washing needs to be done by him X times per week - set up times to gather and run washing program.

Tell him you are not the socks/laundry/food/admin department. He will need to actively think about these things and identify and correct issues as they arise until it is second nature.

He can of course, if he has the funds, outsource some of this work to a third party, but he will need to arrange this himself.

Just as he would not expect his accountant to do the laundry or his solicitor to book his dental appointments, he should not expect you to cover all the work needed in Household Co. either!

@glensof I suspect he's a kind , intelligent and charming man hence why he's had so many relationships and clearly attracts women easily - to be frank if I was in your position I would as I've said below set ground rules regards contributions both fiscally and domestically - .

He's clearly attracts women easily and is at or towards retirement age anyway - so if you are happy with the nothing aspect then he does need to contribute what he can

And oh - don't marry him!!!!

Mug.
You're being mugged.
He knows it.
Yes, he's been ill.
But you are providing him with a home, and with full-time domestic services despite being the main breadwinner. And he does nothing.
Does he provide sex?
He must have an ever-ready cock the size of Big Ben.

Wake up, sister. Wake up.

What gets me about these threads over and over again, is how can somebody watch another person run themselves ragged doing everything whilst they sit there doing nothing?

I couldn’t let a friend or colleague do that. Never mind a partner. I would feel too guilty. How can so many men do that without compassion or embarrassment??

OP, I have to ask, are you the rescuer type?

"Helping others is, of course, an admirable quality. But, for those who thrive on the drama of playing the rescuer, it can be extremely detrimental. It can be a damaging dynamic in relationships, for both the rescuer themselves and their partner.
What is the rescuer personality type?
Someone with the rescuer personality type is driven to help other people, even at the expense of their own wellbeing.
What do rescuers thrive on?
People with a rescuer personality type thrive on the stress of drama but also the close connections and bonds created through helping another person. They want to feel needed and essential to another’s wellbeing. The feeling of caring for another person to this extent often replaces something they have been missing themselves, or distracts from a larger issue.
What are the signs of a rescuer personality?

• Giving more than you take
• A sense of self that depends on helping others
• A strong desire to ‘fix’ people
• Feeling you understand people’s issues and how to resolve them
• Low self esteem
• Being drawn to people who really need you
• A pattern of toxic or destructive relationships
• A possible history of abandonment or toxic caretakers such as abusive or alcoholic parents
• Tending to become unhealthily obsessed with other people and their troubles
• Idealising people in need
• A tendency to be overly controlling
• Often taking the role of ‘parent’ in a relationship
• Partners often becoming overly dependent
• Relationships can become co-dependant

I would throw this one back.

It's not that he can't learn to do this shit, it's that he can't be arsed.

I'd get him to employ a housekeeper/personal assistant or bin him off tbh. Couldn't be doing with that.

Oh he’s early 60s?? He is not going to change sorry. I retract my previous suggestion of a short training/probation period.

New suggestion: go back to living separately

That way you get all the benefits you’ve described without being annoyed by his domestic incompetence. In fact I’m wondering why you moved in together in the first place?

DH has grown to be unable to put his clean clothes away. So there's a huge pile on top of the dresser. I'm still doing the laundry but I've got a pile by the drying rack where I put his things. If he wants them upstairs in the bedroom he'll have to get them. Next step might be to stop washing his stuff altogether.

That's what my mom did with my dad. Granted when I was about 14 she stated she wasn't washing anybody's clothes except for her own and we were left to muddle through with it. My brothers tried to claim to not know how to use the washing machine in an attempt to do theirs but it didn't work.

Don't laugh at me, but could you afford a course of CBT for him to change some of his thought patterns around housework and responsibility?

but he would be self sufficient on his own if he was to live separately.

That’s the solution if you want to continue with the relationship.

Tell him to pull the other one, it's got bells on, as my dear old Ma used to say.

This isn't something for you to fix. It's down to him. He's totally bullshitting you and you are falling for it. He may not have done these things before, but he's aware they are done by someone. He knows perfectly well that food needs to be bought and cooked, dirty clothes washed, houses tidied. He wants to pretend he doesn't, and you are jumping right in to fill all the gaps.

Stop. Stop doing anything. If he doesn't get it all sorted in a week or so, he never will. Then you need to decide whether you want to be this man's lifelong servant or not.

@glensof what age is he? is he likely to ever return to work and when? what does he actually do all day if he doesnt even pick up his dirty socks? can he cook a meal and do the shopping? why does he not even have his own house????

Don't take on the mental load of writing lists for him. Get him to Google for a house keeping list and then he can work his way through that each day or whatever works. And then he might start realising that he needs to be the fairy in the house while you're at work. And if he doesn't know how to do something like work the washing machine, he can again google and YouTube will have a video.

The house we live in is mine.

Oh dear. If it was his place, you could just move back out. Now you have the issue of getting him to move back out when he has no income.
You have got yourself into a difficult situation.

But, you won't and can't change him. So live with it, or bite the bullet and make him move back out.

If you have a cleaner then there is not too much to do.

Youd be doing your laundry anyway? You’d be cooking anyway?

But simply write a list of all the tasks you complete and simply show him
said list.

Ask him to pick a number of tasks from the list and agree how often they will be done.

Some men really are dim and need things spelling out!

A few people have said to write him a list of schedule of things that need to be done. I don’t much like this idea - the OP does a proper job already and this man is an adult. It’s up to him to decide whether he needs to go to the dentist.

I wonder whether this is one of those times where it is easier to be direct - no faffing about with lists (which, realistically, is rather passive aggressive). Pretend you are an English speaking Dutch / Swedish / German person. When you get home and find his socks scattered about the place say “How disgusting, why am I living with your socks on the floor? What is wrong with you?” in a completely matter of fact way.

If he asks you to book him a dentist appointment, say (in a completely matter of fact way) “That is not my role. You need to take care of these things yourself”. Of course, it is possible that he will take this very badly - but if he does then that tells you that he isn’t interested in changing - he just wants a PA / maid / cook.

I really, really want this to work. There's so much that is right about him, and I want this to be the last relationship in my life

Oh OP, in your desperation for him to be the ‘one’, you are choosing not to take his preschool life abilities seriously. I fear this thread will be a waste of time, and you will slip more and more into skivvy role, and feel trapped in a year from now.

I cannot imagine anybody in their right mind would take on responsibility for making doctors’ appointments and renewing car insurance for some random mate of their husband’s.

If you want to nip it in the bud then do so. Stop doing it for him.

Tell him you expect him to be able to look after himself as you are his partner, not his mother.

I suspect there are some underlying values at play here, that this is 'women's work'. If he's been living with these types of beliefs for his entire life, and has been facilitated by previous partners, you are unlikely to change how he feels about it.

It's probably going to cause some friction in your relationship and he may be resentful.

But honestly, if he's capable of everything else you say, he's perfectly capable of this.

Personally I could not be with a man like this, no matter how great he was in other respects. It's basic disrespect for you as his partner and I don't buy for one second that he doesn't know exactly what he's doing here.

With all respect I think you are misunderstanding the problem. It’s not that he ‘can’t’ understand about leaving his socks on the floor etc, ( of course he can). He is, of course, able to learn these simple tasks and routines. He’s just not motivated to.
The situation may not be working for you, but it’s working very well for him. Housework is boring and dull. Who would take it on when they don’t have to? No-one would really. And he doesn’t have to. He’s got you. He can apologize and forget about it, till he needs to apologize again.

He may be lovely in other ways and a great shag and thoughtful in ways that are easy for him, but when it comes down to it, he’s not prepared to do something that is boring and dull and unpleasant to help you out. He’d much rather you work all day and then sort out the domestic stuff too, than have to take on these drudge tasks himself. So that is what he is doing.

That is the honest truth of it. You can try to persuade yourself that it just too hard for the poor dear after all those years of a SAHW, too hard for him to learn new habits, even though he is trying. But you must know deep down that it’s not true. My FIL (now 80) was the most traditional man ever with a very, very traditional marriage set up. When he retired he still set about doing the housework with his wife every day and then sitting down for a sherry with her when they had done.

Your man can pull his weight. He is choosing not to because he can. You have to decide if you want to live like that with a man who is treating you with such a basic level of disrespect.