Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

Oh for god's sake wake up, it's very clear where the cock lodger comments are coming from.

English is not my first language, so maybe that's the problem

You know full well it’s not the problem, your English is indistinguishable from a native speaker.

The problem is that at 60 years old he functions like a 6-year-old in terms of domestic responsibilities and you seem to think this can be solved if only you could figure out how to tell him to step up and learn to pick up his socks in the right way.

You cannot get someone to learn something they are not interested in learning.

Your “partner” (have a think about what that word REALLY means) does not want to learn how to look after himself. If he did, he would have done so long before now.

The issue is, he is choosing to be "useless" and life admin and has given zero f's about turfing it all onto you - because if he truly loved and respected you the way you want to believe he does, he would not treat you as his maid / mother. He is choosing not to do this stuff and leave it to you. It's not that he can't remember / doesn't notice / hasn't been trained - it's that he's not respecting you enough to not be a basic decent person and pull his weight.

This is why people are saying ltb, he's a cock lodger etc.
You're having to overlook an awful lot to be able to love someone who shamelessly treats you like a servant. It's a stingy form of love he is offering you imo.

Actually, she has his elder brother, the Lesser Walleted Cocklodger..

I'm going to be an amateur psychologist and say that you like the situation because he's your child/dog/cat/golden fish and whatever else in one package, that needs constant attention.
You may have such a low esteem that you find validation in the little crumbs of affection he's throwing your way while he's completely and totally using you. He sees you as convenient, weak, someone who's probably starved for affection and validation and needs the kind of relationship where they're the ones doing everything and that makes them feel useful.
You're not shit at explaining the situation. You are describing it very well, the problem is that you're the only one who doesn't see the situation as it is - you being immensely grateful for being abused by a CF.

He’s at home all day and you have a cleaner! He’s have a right laugh.

And you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Just tell him that living together isn’t working out the way you’d envisaged and that you think the two of you work better as a couple when living separately.

Say that you don’t want to lose all the things you value in your relationship as a couple so, to save the relationship, you need to go back to living separately.

If he argues the toss, say that you are not prepared to be cast in the role of headteacher, or supervisor or nagging wife, nor of domestic servant. If he wants the two of you to continue living under the same roof you are confident that he, as a competent adult with decades of experience running a successful business under his belt, will be more than capable of addressing all the various things that you have raised with him over the past six months without you having to repeat yourself, and without you being cast in the role of headteacher, nag etc.

Tell him you would of course be delighted if he did make a decision to address all those issues, and then actually got them sorted. But based on the last six months you’ve concluded that won’t happen and he’ll need to be living somewhere else by (date). Explain that the conversation you are having with him is not you bargaining with him. It is not you negotiating with him. It is you explaining that the current situation isn’t working for you, and therefore you’ll be going back to living separately. If he’d prefer to sort out the issues you’ve raised repeatedly over the last six months, that’s fine, but you’d need to see the change from him immediately, and you won’t insult him by acting as his supervisor. Ball’s in his court. But the default position is you go back to living separately.

I was also "very very happy" for many years with a man who I adored, while I paid the bills and did everything domestically.

Turns out I had arse-backwards ideas about love, relationships, and my own value, from an abusive childhood.

Xpost. Quite.

He needs to move out. If he can get his shit together and live on his own as an adult for 6 months, you consider having him back.

Why would you ever indulge this shit?

How did he run his own business if he can’t cope with admin, insurance, bills, subscriptions etc?

Well, just do that then. Get a second cleaner.

I gradually took his life admin over these 4 years.

This can't be fucking serious.

How old are his kids? So youve been together since he was approx 58, before then he was in 3 10yr + live in relationships. I'd say that was fairly unusual.

You are being taken for a fool OP and it's disheartening to read, you don't sound stupid so why are you letting him take the piss?

He ran a business that made 💰 but he can't tell when the dishes need done or the laundry needs washed etc????? Come on. Give your head a wobble.

Move out, life's too short for training up boyfriends.

Here is the thing. I am 64. I was the SAHP for about 20 years then I went back to school at 56 and by 60 I was starting a private practice. Being 60 is NOT TOO OLD to learn lots of new things. When our circumstances change we must adapt and change too.

He is 60+!!!! What golden cock? BFR (be for real as teens say).

Moved in together with a partner (6 months ago), and need advice.
Move out. Date. Let him stand on his own two feet as a fully fledged adult for at least a year and then discuss living together. But that means you stop infantilising him by "helping" with admin, cleaning, cooking.

And then get therapy for yourself to understand why you are trying to be a saviour instead of an equal partner.

@glensof so if he is broke, how much is he still shelling out for his daughter and her family home eg mother, while you subsidise his living expenses and holidays???

Yes. I do judge a man who supposedly ran a successful business but doesn't work, won't pick up his socks, leaves dirty dishes around, won't plug in a car to charge, and won't make his own appointments. He literally does nothing but breathe, eat, and have sex, according to glensof (and shades of the handmaid's tale there). He supposedly lived with a friend and the wife picked up after him.

That's a put back dusty loser.

I read an amazing post on a thread on MN a while ago which addressed this very point.

It's abuse basically. If one partner in relationship takes their leisure at the expense of the other's leisure, downtime, health or wealth, they're abusive. I'm probably not explaining it well, but it made a lot of sense to me. And when you really pay attention to those people, they will be abusive and manipulative in other ways too.

OP, if he wanted to pull his weight at home, he would. It makes no difference that he hasn't had to do it previously. He would have learned by now if he considered it important enough.

You need to decide whether you can live with a man who fundamentally believes that this stuff is your responsibility. If you're happy to accept his strategic incompetence because other aspects of the relationship are good, then that's your choice. Just don't kid yourself that anything is going to change.

For me, the fact that you've spoken to him about it and he hasn't got his act together would be a dealbreaker. I couldn't live with someone who treated me with so little respect. But we're all different. Only you can decide how much it matters to you.