Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

So you're basically supporting him and his stepdaughter financially?

It's easy for him to be generous when you pay all his bills, do all his life admin and feed and house him. How has he got to his 60's with a "successful" business but having to rent a mates spare room, have that mate's wife cook and clean for him before the lazy barnacle attached himself to you? Why was he not housing himself?

You are his retirement plan OP, you will be wiping his arse, paying for the toilet paper and be expected to plaster on a smile for the pleasure of doing so. Are you not angry that he's happy to see you going out to work everyday and he does nothing to ensure the home is clean, comfortable and a meal is ready for you at the end of a long working day? Are you not angry that he's so disrespectful of the efforts you make to care for him while he offers fuck all?

@glensof Didn’t something click in your head when you heard that, prior to you, he had already had 3 relationships that lasted ten+ years?

Sadly plenty of desperate women do put up with this shit

You have kids and you're letting this freeloader suck you dry? 😑

They don't live with you do they?

Please get rid of this manchild what are you thinking ?

I'm not sure why you've posted really, OP. Or even if this is real. You don't seem all that bothered really; you've made a rod for your own back.

Might be worth thinking about how things would pan out if your health fails.

Tell him to treat it as a project to establish a new operation.
Buy him a book on housekeeping. Tell him to read it and really think about what is required to meet the objective of having a comfortable, clean home and come up with a plan.
Agree some KPIs
Dinner on the table at 8pm nightly, at least 4 different things, 3 of which must be plants. Something different every night, nothing repeated within 2 weeks unless you both agree.
Keep within budget
House fully cleaned weekly.

Adequate quantities of underwear available at all times
Cat fed and happy

Meet weekly to review

so hes fantastic apart from the fact hes lazy and useless

Maybe it would be better for him to live nearby and be in charge of his own mess? You're not going to change his dinosaur ways. You could try leaving him lists, as someone suggested. Or give him a list of expectations that he must abide too. But don't enable his nonsense, you will only resent it more over time. Speaking as someone who is enabling a dinosaur.

he's used to socks and mugs magically disappearing, the car somehow always being fully charged just when he needs it, fairies delivering a delicious dinner straight to the table each night and dentist appointments in his calendar just popping up when the time comes.

He'll figure it out if his socks remain dirty, his car hasn't got any charge and his teeth fall out. You don't have to rush in to fill those spaces where it's stuff that affects only him.

And where it affects both of you, like meals - just alternate and say "your turn to make dinner". If it's beans on toast so be it. He might develop a liking for cooking once he starts.

Stop picking up his slack.

I absolutely could not find someone attractive who did fuck all round the house and expected me to do it. He's bone idle, wants a maid as a partner and you're enabling it.

OP, check out Fair Play - there are a set of cards which cover all aspects of running a home and life - you can talk them through and decide who will do what. And what doing that job actually means.

Sorry replied to WRONG THREAD

These question are to try figure out the best advice.
You clearly have your mind made up so why snap at posters here. .

As a side note who pays for the cleaner ?
Did you need /use a cleaner before ?

Need to for a bitchy reply OP more just food for thought for you.

Getting in extra help well you already have help is going to cost a small fortune.
And I am sorry but he’s clearly a capable man if he can run a business he can make a dental appointment.
While you say your friends are very happy for you, I would be very concerned if you were my friend.
Again, it’s not rocket science to handwash a few dishes, put a load of washing on or change a bin.
He’s behaving like teenagers I see in threads on here who treat their homes like a hotel and think it all comes for free.
I don’t think he has respect for you at all. I think he’s had his way his whole life. Imagine staying in a friend’s house, and your friend’s wife doing all the work? It would be a CF thread on here, too.
And if he’s in his 60’s he will get more stuck in his ways and you will just become a nurse with a purse.
Not sure how old you are OP, but your earnings should be going on protecting your future, too, not on hiring in more cleaners because this man can’t move a sock or a cup.
The best thing would have been for him to live on his own.
How does he cope with being a father?
And finally, at least don’t marry him..

This is the best relationship I had in my life.

You need to do ThecFreedom Programme. And soon.

Ok so what is your problem then? Looks like you're pissed off the cleaner isn't doing all of the cleaning so you don't have to.

No people are reading it exactly as it is, you are in complete denial. You clearly have had a history of shit relationships if this is the best one you've had. If he's fit enough for "great sex" then he's got enough to do stuff for himself. And god knows why this would take 3 years!

My husband is 55 and from Yorkshire. Does all the cooking and shares domestic duties more than equally. Not an excuse.

OP, do you believe he wants to change and do better?

Even if he’s never had to do this before, are you genuinely ok with him knowing he’s causing you frustration and not working out for himself how to resolve that?

I’ve heard it all now. Unbelievable

I wonder if his daughter "looked after him" during the partnerless fallow periods in his life. I'm guessing he stayed with his friend whose wife picked up for him because daughter had gone to Uni/travelling/work away/got married or something.

Could be totally wrong, but there's a pattern there somewhere of female guardian angels flapping their wings around him!

OP I guess just do what you can with him, if living separately doesn't suit you.

But I hope this thread is useful for other women who are in a dynamic like this and are unhappy. I think it was reading this kind of thing on MN that gradually helped me wake up to what I was doing, though it took years to exit the fog.

And I'd never judge a woman in an unfair relationship, I don't like the "golden cock" comments, some of us were trained in childhood that we don't deserve any better than to be used and constantly prove our worthiness to the point of exhaustion.