Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

You know the answer OP. Separate houses - he would have to live modestly within his means.

You are not:

Secretary
Maid
Mother
Teacher

He is not a toddler.

Have some self respect. He is taking the piss and you are leaning into this pathetic learned helplessness with your full weight.

Edited to add: not only is he useless in the home, he is living off you. He might be the nicest bloke in the world but the facts are unavoidable. His world view does not match yours (or maybe it does). He is a man child and you are enabling him. I suspect you won't do anything about it though as you too are conditioned to compensate for his shortfalls in the spirit of being the 'little woman'.

tell him to use chat gpt to set a daily list of household chores to be a perfect housewife. Then do them.
everyday.

OP I could have written your post. My partner is exactly like yours. He's a lovely bloke but he is bone idle. Part of is that he is bone idle part of it is that he has spent most of his life in circumstances where he hasn't had to deal with what I'm sure he would consider mundane day to day stuff, cleaning, cooking, admin, house maintenance, car maintenance. He either paid people to do it or had a wife who did it. You can either put up with it or decide he's useless and get rid. If you decide to endure then you need to be very clear about what you expect. Tell him that his lack of effort is disrespectful and then tell him exactly what you expect him to do. Write him a list. No grown man should expect someone else to clear up his mess. He can be charming, erudite, he can be the love of your life but if he knows that his uselessness upsets you he should care enough about that to make an effort. Don't fool yourself into thinking oh he doesn't "see it" he does actually, he's just too lazy to do anything about it and he knows you will do it for him. If there's no improvement then I would suggest you have a rethink.

"Hating is probably a very strong word but yes, I started to get annoyed a little bit here and there. This is why I want to nip it in the bud now before it develops into something more corrosive."

My personal feeling is that he's had a personal cleaner (aka a wife) doing for him for decades. A bloke in his early sixties is highly unlikely to change (or even want to).

If you haven't lived together for long, I'm pretty sure this is going to get very corrosive (for you) as time goes on and resentment will start to eat away at you.

I'm sorry but he sounds utterly useless and, given your ages, you may well end up regretting committing yourself to him (imagine you're getting older, maybe unwell and you need to be able to rely on someone to totally take the reins... but you can't even rely on him to pick up his socks...)

Dear God, how have you put up with this for six months? And given he has barely ever lived on his own, how short was the period from his last break up before he jumped into a new relationship with you?

You either need to throw him back, which it sounds like you don’t want to, or train him.

I had to train mine to some extent. Look, you just walked over a pile of clothes outside the kid’s room. Why did you do that? Go and put it away.

You see the shit marks you’ve left in the toilet? Just so you know if I see your shit I don’t want to have sex with you because it’s disgusting.

Other posters are really harsh. It will take a bit of time but Im sure he can learn to do stuff. Maybe put daily reminders on his phone that he can tick off? I’d give it another year to implement gradual change otherwise I suppose you may not be compatible as you dont want to spend the rest of your life with that burden(and from the relationship
timeline Im assuming he is at least 60 so things will only get worse with needing to organise appointments
etc)

Oh OP!

I think you need counselling to work out why on earth you are in this relationship.

At the very least I'd be asking him to move out. Or giving an ultimatum about performance improvement.

But why on earth should the OP do that? He should just figure it out for himself.

He's early 60s gone through a relationship every 10 years now 5 years into this one...so straight from mum to partner one at mid 20s and never grown up.

As OP hasn't been here for over 2 hours, it's time for a musical interlude:

No, I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me

Incidentally I've just noticed that song (is a banger, but also) has the line:

If you have a shorty that you don't show love
Oh yes son, I'm talking to you

Referring to a child I think? The whole thing should be pinned at the top of the Relationships board

OP, how old are you?

It's just who he is..he's not changing now.

Just stop. If he’s used to having it done he will get frustrated pretty quickly

major ick
you don’t want to be ‘supported’
but
your supporting/ enabling him to do bugger all

I haven’t RTFT - in terms of practicality, to continue living together - why don’t you get together and do a bit of a rota?

List out the every day things he needs to do, the other day, the weekly etc?

If he wants to pull his weight and isn’t sure what to do (or would rather you did it!) he can’t ignore what’s in black and white and mutually agreed by both of you - rather than just handing him a list.

If he still won’t do the jobs after this - that’s a different conversation…

So you are providing his luxuries as well as his domestic bliss and bed warming after long hours at work....this really gets worse you must have been very lonely before to find any of this attractive.

You are clearly bothered by having to mother him though. If he is unwilling to adult around these areas, I would ask him to organise those tasks to be outsourced, which presumably he can do as a successful professional. So he would need to increase the cleaner’s hours to daily, organise a collection service for laundry and a secretary for his life admin. At his cost, if finances are separate.

That would improve the quality of your future relationship. Resentment at this early stage is not healthy for a long term relationship. Six months of moving in is early on in my books, even if dating for years before that. If he is as a good man that you say he is, he will readily agree and may not have realised it was bothering you, given that his previous exes were SAHMs (by preference?).

I think there are two issues.

Basic household competency is an easy one. He does whatever he’s done to learn a new skill and form a new routine every time he’s done that in his successful business. He reads about household tasks, works out a schedule, performs them.

Leaving socks etc is more difficult because that’s an expression of contempt. Nobody who respects and cares for the person they live with throws their stuff on the floor expecting the other person will pick it up. Leaving them there is the same as calling you at work and saying ‘can you pick my dirty socks up off the floor for me’ whilst he sits looking at them.

He can fix both of these problems as they are both his to fix. Just depends if he wants to.

Quite clearly there are lots of issues in the relationship

He doesn't contribute financially towards the relationship
He has no 'common sense' to see what needs to be done in the house
He will happily let you work ft and then come home and cook and clean
He will happily let you spend your money on a cleaner when he's home all day and could do everything a cleaner does
If he genuinely cared and loved you he'd not let you have to come home and cook and clean for you.

Op my parents never taught me how to cook or clean or what life admin was all about, but I learnt.

This.

Don't be a mug, OP.

Unless he has a golden dick, please move out.

At least they finally escaped....it's pretty unusual unless he was a super rich sugar daddy who's now not so rich.

Tell him to write a list of daily chores and weekly chores, check he's not missed anything then he can work from that.

Oh Dear God woman, come on
He is absolutely having a laugh

Yes, if the situation does not change, I would try to change my attitude to it. The pros I get are well worth the cons. Well, practically I probably just would buy in some extra help.

Sad 🤦‍♀️

Tfft....you don't need another kid