Living with a partner who is used to SAHM / homemaker dynamic

I have read your updates. I do understand your situation life. He makes you happy, is a blessing his health has improved. But at his age, his attitudes aren't going to change. I come from a family of northern men and tbh I think in sixties and above this is way more common than posters here are indicating.

I would assume that nothing much will change, but make then make some immediate changes to improve your own quality of life so that your frustration doesn't destroy the relationship.

1. Buy in lots more help. Weekly cleaner. Get your washing collected and delivered. More support if you can afford it.

1. Automate anything possible: food deliveries, toilet roll and cleaning products on subscription.

1. When you are both in for the evening, verbally set expectations eg "if you're cooking tonight, I'll wash up" etc.

1. Set out some very basic minimum that you ask him to follow as a matter of respect - hanging up towels, putting dirty washing in the basket, making the bed if he's last out of the bedroom.

Thanks all. Not to say DH does absolutely nothing. He leaves kitchen immaculate after I cook for example. He’s just one of these man childs that don’t see the need to make a bed or put away clothes or clean a toilet. To me basic adult stuff but to him a lifestyle choice. Some things don’t bother me - like I can pull the duvet up, it takes 5 seconds. But he actually gets annoyed when I hang up his clothes! And the toilet is just gross especially because it’s the one guests have to use. I’m working on that one now. Because it’s setting a bad example to the DC not least.

No need to divorce.

Keeping a toilet clean is so easy. One brush and 1 Domestos by each loo. ( Yes I know MN hates brushes) House rule is that every person cleans after they use it.

Socks and undies: basket in each bathroom. Toss in when you shower.

Mugs: I admit we have a few. Just seen DHs by the sofa. This doesnt annoy me all that much as its only from the morning. Never overnight.

Have a conversation. If he's at home all day make a list together of what needs doing & how often.

Ask him to set himself reminders and make it clear that you don't want to have to keep reminding him.

Give it a set amount of time then review it together.

It's 'living apart together', isn't it? In a committed, serious relationship but separate homes. So he is welcome to never wash up or leave socks on the floor, but that doesn't impact on how the other person wants their home environment to be.

I just wish there was a strategy somewhere in between divorce or suck it up.

Yes, that's the problem, isn't it? It's easy enough when you're reading a thread to say to the OP, "Just do X. Set your boundaries."

But when you live with someone day to day it's really not so easy. It can become a constant nagging small battle.

So maybe it's the threat of divorce?

I am a somewhat conservative Asian woman married to a somewhat conservative Asian man and I don't tolerate this. Clean loos and socks in baskets are something even my teen son can manage. Everyone in the house cooks, does chores and schedules their own appointments.

He takes out the bin or he gets in the bin.

Not sure what he is bringing to this relationship.

@kiraric I was a bit of a slob myself when we met and we were young. I matured over time and we had DC and divorce was not an option because of trauma from my parents splitting up. So the years added up. Then you have to decide if it’s too late or not to cut your losses or keep going. There is genuine love still too. It’s just a grind to deal with this type of perpetual immaturity.

I just wouldn't have stuck around for 20 years.

I did date someone a bit like this for a while and it was a deal-breaker for me.

I have always been really clear about what I will not tolerate

@NeverDropYourMooncup Ha ha and thanks, it’s definitely possible as DC are getting older. And then he will be like the dating bloke who was recently dumped by someone on here for having a filthy toilet. I just wish there was a strategy somewhere in between divorce or suck it up.

Agreed.
Those clued in wouldn't touch them.
They realise that there is a reason they are cast offs.
Only the most desperate of women take on losers that are in effect kept men.
That fact that he is a misogynistic lazy loser is a real low.
But if that is where your bar is and you are prepared to pay for it, you can't really be surprised at how it turns out.

Men like this are grifters and are miles ahead of the women they get to pay and skivvy for them.
Literally miles ahead.

OP deserves better but doesn't want better unfortunately.

I keep thinking about the OP's comment that before she moved her 'D'P into her house, he lodged with a friend for a year, and the friend's wife cooked, cleaned, did admin for and acted like a general skivvy for the useless sponger. Not the male friend himself, of course, but the friend's wife. The woman in the house.

I simply cannot bear the sound of this man, who expects the women in his life to act like his personal handmaids even when he's not in a relationship with them. Maybe I'm being cynical, but I wonder if the main reason he maintains close ties with his stepdaughter is because she took over looking after him during the times when he wasn't in an intimate relationship, and she's there as a fallback option if OP decides she's had enough.

And the OP reckons she has 'great sex' with him? How could any woman be attracted to a man like that? I find such utter blatant sexism and weaponised uselessness genuinely repulsive.

Divorce usually solves the problem.

They go and find some other mug to do it for them.

To those offering sound advice here about useless partners - how do you deal with someone who really doesn’t mind socks on the floor, disgusting toilets or general mess and chaos? Genuine question because I’m living with this for 20 years now and haven’t been able to bring about change. I don’t do his laundry and set myself up in a separate bathroom but it’s still a day to day issue tidying up after him to have clean spaces for myself. I see it as a lack of respect but he sees it as different views on cleanliness.

Let me re-word this: "Men with successive wives" are not 'lovely blokes'.

Men who treat successive wives and partners and DC like this are not ‘lovely blokes’

You need to take your own advice. Why are you putting up with it?

I would love someone to take over my life admin...

But I could only feel comfortable with that if I was contributing in another way really substantially

I can't imagine gradually taking over some else's life admin. My own is enough!

And I can't imagine letting someone take over my life admin. And I couldn't respect anyone that passive and lacking in independence.

OP are you quite a lot younger than this man?

A woman's work is never done. Because the man is doing all the work for her.

(ducks for cover 😂)

I am always curious about this sort of dynamic

I can't imagine gradually taking over some else's life admin. My own is enough!

How does that happen? If my DH asked me to make him a dentist appointment or similar, unless there was some proper reason he couldn't do it - like he was about to get onto a long distance flight and had toothache or something - I would just say "yeah no"

I can't believe someone directed op to the freedom programme

The Freedom Programme is all about learning healthy boundaries and how to spot toxic and abusive partners. Why shouldn't she be directed to it? From what I see she has no boundaries and is in a toxic, unhealthy relationship.

Truth is if she was happy she wouldn't be opening threads on MN complaining about this relationship.

This.

And aren't there quite a lot of data about issues over sharing household tasks and life admin being the crux of many mid-life relationship splits? That article "I left my husband because he left his mug on the side" sort of thing.