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Original poster

Boyfriend refers to ex wife as “we” when in conversation, red flag ?

40 replies

Posyflossy · 24/01/2025 13:47

My boyfriend (of 8 mths) is constantly referring to "we" when telling a story that involves ex.They have a son together, weren't married for that long nor knew each other that long to begin with but when telling me stories it always seems to have her in it. He has had longer relationships and I've never once heard a story that involves any of these women which is why I think I'm upset, it's always her that he brings up. I have told him it bothers me but he still does it.

I never bring up my ex's when I refer to stuff in the past, I always say " I did this or I went there" and if he asks who with I will say my ex but for the most part I am conscious of what I say because while my ex’s are apart of my past I feel no need to mention them. I don't know whether I need to cut him some slack or is it a sign he isn’t over her.

Am I being unreasonable over the usage of a word ?

Tia

OP posts:
Fuhjutvb · 24/01/2025 16:33

I say we when talking about something that happened when my ex was there. My ex is in a photo on my wall. Because he was a big part of my life and will always be special to me. I still see his Mum regularly. Another ex I've remained friends with. Its a friendship thats important to me. I'm not going to pretend or whitewash my past for anyone. I'm certainly not pandering to anyones insecurities.

PartyAtVosta · 24/01/2025 16:28

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/01/2025 13:50

I actually find it quite annoying when people say “we” for everything all the time even when it’s people I’m not in a relationship with and never have been, such as platonic friends and acquaintances. Own your own actions, don’t put everything down to “we”.

I second this 100%

justbeingasmartarse · 24/01/2025 16:25

strawberrysea · 24/01/2025 16:21

And now they are separated. Hope that helps.

Show quote history

The thing is if he is going do some parenting (and one hopes he is) then he’s not going to break contact with the ex for that reason.
It’s not a good idea to become sensitive about any and every reference to her under those circumstances.

CulturalNomad · 24/01/2025 16:21

constantly referring to "we" when telling a story that involves ex

This seems entirely normal to me. They have a child together so whatever the length of their relationship they are now inexorably intertwined...forever.

I think the "red flag" here is the one you're raising. Being in a relationship with someone who has children with someone else can be very tricky and doesn't suit everyone. He'll always be interacting with her and you'll always have to deal with the "we" aspect. She's not going anywhere so make sure you're OK with that.

strawberrysea · 24/01/2025 16:21

Cosyblankets · 24/01/2025 16:03

They have a child

And now they are separated. Hope that helps.

gannett · 24/01/2025 16:16

What on earth is this level of overthinking? I use "we" if I did something with someone else or multiple people. I use "I" if I did it by myself. This is just how language works.

Ellepff · 24/01/2025 16:08

Catza · 24/01/2025 15:59

I can just imagine the opposite thread: my boyfriend always implies he went somewhere alone and only when I press him, it turns out he went with his ex. Why can't he say "we" right away? What is he hiding? Is he still in love with her?

You can't bloody win on MN.

I actually had this with my husband. He was worried I’d be jealous. I just had him spill it all and also to clarify which one he was with (because most I don’t care about but the one who spent 3 months insulting me to try and get him back…)

Justme2023123 · 24/01/2025 16:04

I think YABU, sorry. Even though I always say 'I' rather than 'we' if referring to something I did with my ex-husband. My other half always uses 'we' and I know he means he and his ex-wife, doesn't bother me though. He had a life before me, no point trying to erase it. Same for yours.

Cosyblankets · 24/01/2025 16:03

They have a child

Catza · 24/01/2025 15:59

I can just imagine the opposite thread: my boyfriend always implies he went somewhere alone and only when I press him, it turns out he went with his ex. Why can't he say "we" right away? What is he hiding? Is he still in love with her?

You can't bloody win on MN.

ItGhoul · 24/01/2025 14:00

I think you're massively over-thinking this and being a bit obsessive about it.

CrestWhite · 24/01/2025 13:58

I think your overthinking it.
Him saying we doesnt mean he isn't over her, but you being so bothered by it is a sign of something!

I hope you can resolve your feelings towards this!

steff13 · 24/01/2025 13:55

Yeah, no, I don't think this would bother me. Even if they weren't together that long they have a child together. Assuming that is his only child then she was his most significant past relationship. You know they were together, you know that a lot of these things that he's telling you about she was involved in. I don't really think it makes any sense to pretend that she wasn't.

If he's talking about her all the time for no reason, about how great she is or whatever, and you think that he might still be in love with her, then yes that would bother me.

justbeingasmartarse · 24/01/2025 13:52

I think you are being a bit unreasonable actually. If they were married/have a child then she’s not going to just fade into the background and vanish.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/01/2025 13:50

I actually find it quite annoying when people say “we” for everything all the time even when it’s people I’m not in a relationship with and never have been, such as platonic friends and acquaintances. Own your own actions, don’t put everything down to “we”.