Boyfriend refers to ex wife as “we” when in conversation, red flag ?

I'm.gonna guess he hadn't been single.lomg when you got together?

He's not over the break up, this is him processing it.

I really don't understand all of this!!!! If a current partner asked me if I'd been somewhere, and they knew I'd been married, I'd reply with 'yes, we went there x years ago'. We did this, saw that, etc I'd probably throw in a "James got bad sunburn"! It would sound weird to try and make out i went alone, to try and diminish a former marriage, or to have to specify he's an ex - he already knows that

It depends on context really. But if someone asked him if he'd ever been to Australia and he replied "yes, we went to Perth in 2018" then yes, I would be bothered by that. In that context, 'we' implies a current partnership. I would expect him to say "yes, I went to Perth in 2018 with my ex" or "yes, my ex and I went to Perth in 2018."

You seem quite keen to diminish their relationship (weren't married that long, didn't know each other long, had other longer relationships etc) but this is by far the most significant relationship he's had. It's natural for him to refer to her now and again because they have a child together and she is still very much in his life.

If you can't come round to this woman being in your life, you're probably better off ending things now. Nothing you've said sounds like she's a threat to your relationship or that he still has romantic feelings for her!

Even if they weren't married and didn't have a child it wouldn't bother me!

Me and DH were watching something on TV the other night and a pub came on which I had been to with my ex. I said "Oh me and Ex went to that pub about 20 years ago!" Doesn't bother us in the slightest. We're grown adults with a past - it would be weird to pretend we did everything on our own for all our lives?!

It totally depends on what’s being said.

‘I’ve been to Torquay before. It was lovely. WE stayed in a hotel by the harbour’
or
‘We were madly in love and I’m sad it didn’t work out’

two very different things.

If it’s the former, it wouldn’t be an issue to me. He’s not hiding anything. There was a post on here a while back about a couple getting married and the OP (the bride) finding out that their reception was in the same place as the grooms 1st wedding. This is the other extreme I suppose 🤣

Yes you are being unreasonable.

He was married and had a child with someone. They did alot together and it sounds like you’re a tad insecure in general.

My husband has an ex wife he had kids with too - he refers to them as we if discussing something they did. It’s completely harmless . I get on great with her and we communicate about the kids.

Unless you plan on being the evil step mother and rude to his ex wife - then I’d suggest you work on that.

My DH refers to our or we when talking about his kids or friends with his late wife. It jars a little bit but I’m not in competition with a poor woman who died young so I ignore it. I think it’s just habit

You being annoyed by this is a red flag to me

We is factual though and why should he have to be hyper vigilant and edit himself just to be around you? You know?

He wants to share his life and his experiences with you and sometimes people process stuff out loud and shared memories are a big part of that.

Now, If he's bringing her up and comparing then absolutely not. Or inane things like oh we made egg together all the time too (you are having egg and chips for tea etc) but for memories and moments of his life I think you need to give him some grace.

But I will say if your irritated by his stories now, as their stories don't change and they get older they just recycle and repeat them frequently so you might want to reassess from that perspective 🤣

I use 'we' when referring to things I did with my ex husband, because I didn't do them alone, so to imply I did would feel very odd. My fiance knows I have an ex husband and accepts that 'we' spent 20 odd years together going out and doing things, the same as I know he had a wife who visited places with him! OP in my opinion you're overreacting to this hugely. It would be different if you were saying he brings his ex up needlessly all the while, but I don't think you are, are you?

Does he frame it beforehand?

My husband will say things like ‘When Mabel (ex wife) and I went to Paris, we saw the Mona Lisa’

But if he said something like ‘Oh it was fab when we went to see the Mona Lisa a few years ago’, I’d think that odd.

I think YABU if he's saying stuff like "oh when we went to Legoland" etc. You saying 'they weren't together that long' is missing the point entirely - she was significant enough that he had a child with and married her, it's on you to get over the fact that he loved someone else before he met you. Or look for someone who's never had a relationship before.

No actually, your snidey response doesn't help because it's a fact that the mother will now always be in his life.
OP says when telling a story that involves the ex he says we. Is he supposed to pretend she doesn't exist?
If I went to Rome with my friend Jane, I would say we went to Rome.
If I went to London with my ex Joe I would say we went to London.
If I went to Paris by myself then I would say I went to Paris.
To use your lovely expression, hope that helps.

My DP used to do this and it really irritated me. If you can't understand why, then imagine you're having dinner with another couple and your DP says something like 'When we lived in Canada...' they'll understandably assume that you've lived in Canada when you haven't. Or gone on holiday to Ibiza or done a charity sky dive...whatever.

It was natural to me to say 'I' about things I'd done with my ex, just as it would be about something I'd done with a friend who wasn't part of the conversation. It's just confusing and odd to say 'we' when you're in a couple and you're not talking about something you've done together, especially when your partner is present.

Anyway, I told him how I felt and he eventually stopped doing it when each time he did it I made a point of clarifying that it wasn't me he was referring to.

What, specifically, is he saying?

My partner used to refer to his ex wife as “DS’s mum,” until I told him to behave and refer to her by name.

He’s got a past, that involves a marriage and son. It was a big part of his life over a long period, and she is now part of our life because of their shared child.

I don’t have any issue with him referring to things they did together, or using the term “we,” because I’m not in competition with a woman he’s already divorced and he can’t just erase over a decade of life experience.

Maybe he does it just because she’s still in his life and always will be because they have a child together. It’s different for you when you’re talking about things that happened with ex’s, because presumably you don’t have contact with them all the time like he does.

Erm, I've been married for 15 years and my DH will still tell me stories from his past that has his wife in, or maybe previous girlfriends and he must use "we" and I don't care. I might be in the minority here but I am not at all threatened by them and enjoy hearing stories from his past even if they involve an ex. Would you be upset if he used "we" when talking about something he did with a friend? I think you need to stop trying to erase his past.

What’s the actual context? My ex husband and I did trips and various things together and years on I would still say “we” did things because “we” did. I didn’t do them alone? It’s just another part of my life. I would find it odd if someone felt I should erase a shared experience when recounting it, even though I have absolutely no feelings for him anymore. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t do things with him, or that those are happy memories I’m ok talking about.

I divorced my ex husband in 1996. I still talk about things that “we” did together. We didn’t have children, it was an acrimonious divorce, and I have no residual feelings. It wouldn’t be a red flag for me to hear anyone talk in this way, even if it was much more recent. They had a life and did things before meeting you.

The overthinking on this forum is pretty impressive in general.

Unless it was talking about parenting then it sounds annoying. Surely the man has a mind of his own. Like people saying 'we are pregnant'. Well, one of you certainly fucking isn't. Lol.
You should tell him you are finding him talking about his ex quite annoying. You don't do it so you request he doesn't either as you have no interest in his past relationships.