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Original poster

Alcoholic ex, have I done the right thing?

35 replies

MamaBear81 · 24/01/2025 12:15

I have been with my partner for 3.5 years. We have a daughter, she’s 2 next month. My (now ex) partner has had issues with alcohol for around 11 years. He doesn’t drink every day, it’s on average once a fortnight but when he starts drinking, he can’t stop and will be drunk for days. His behaviour while drunk is atrocious, he becomes very verbally abusive and chaotic. He has lost countless jobs, all of them because he’s been drunk in work. He calls me vile names and threatens me in front of our daughter. Although he has never been physically violent. He drinks to the point of vomiting all over himself. His behaviour while drunk has gotten progressively worse since our daughter was born, and for this reason I started locking him out of the house when he’s been drinking. It’s my house, my name on the tenancy and I lived here for 2 months before he moved in with me due to being evicted from his flat. I told him there were conditions and that he was to get help with his alcohol issues, staying here meant no drinking. He agreed to this, but has still continued the same. He did reach out for help, he took disulfrum (a medication that acts as a deterrent for alcohol as it makes you violently ill if you consume any).. after 10 days, he stopped the medication and ended up drunk the next day, on a drinking binge that lasted 4 days. He has since had 3 appointments which he hasn’t bothered to go to.
Two weeks ago, he went to a job interview and took the opportunity of me not being around to get drunk. When he returned, I told him to leave.
When he eventually sobered up 5 days later, he was full of his usual apologies and promises that he will go to his next appointment which was a week away. I allowed him home on those conditions.
However, the day before his appointment, he went to get his hair cut, and again used that opportunity to drink. He snuck 2 bottles of vodka into the house, the first one hidden in a bottle of coke which he drank right under my nose without me realising until he started getting agitated and slurring his words. The second bottle, as he was already drunk by this point, he didn’t even bother to attempt to hide it. He opened it right in front of me, poured it into a mug with no mixer. I immediately told him to tip it out, which he refused to do, so when he attempted to drink it I snatched it from him and tipped it out myself. He then threatened to break my nose, and left. The following day when he was supposed to go to his appointment, he didn’t go. He went away for the night with his friends to drink again.
Since then, I have ended our relationship and haven’t allowed him back home.
He staying with his friends, who are also alcoholics. He has no money, as the £300 he did have was all spent on alcohol in the space of 3 days. His next pay date is 3 weeks away.
Now he is trying to make me feel bad for ‘making him homeless knowing he has no money and having to stay with his alcoholic friends’.
Have I done the right thing? He says I’m wrong and cruel for throwing him out while he is struggling with this Illness, but I have given him so many chances and nothing is changing. He hasn’t been to his appointments, he’s not accepting the help that is being offered to him, and he is still getting drunk creating an unstable and quite frankly dangerous environment for our daughter to be raised in.

OP posts:
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Original poster
MamaBear81 · 24/01/2025 20:15

graygoose · 24/01/2025 16:45

I divorced my ex for the same reasons, but it sounds like even wasn’t as extreme as your ex. Always the same - out ubtil 7am, vomiting everywhere, peeing all over the house and he even cheated on me with sex workers. It was meant to improve after DD was born but when she was 10 weeks old I said enough and kicked him out.

I was the breadwinner, earning 95% of our income, giving him a very comfortable life which was ripped away from him. He had to go live in a house share and reduced from a 3 bed house to a room in a flat with strangers because all his friends are married with kids.

I did feel guilt at first but a lot of therapy taught me, as it would with you, that this is utterly misplaced. These are grown men who have made bad decisions and whose demons ask us to enable them and feed them by giving them a security blanket.

Enough. You would not be helping him, you would be helping his alcoholism. He is not safe for your or your child to be around and he is responsible for his own fate now. You have done the right thing and I promise you a year from now you won’t even recognise yourself x

@graygoose I did used to feel guilt, I’m naturally a very empathetic person and I know that alcoholism is an illness.. But the longer this goes on, the situations his drinking exposes us to, and his lack of willingness or effort to do anything about it has changed the way I view the situation. He’s had help offered to him, which I said I would fully support if he took it. But he isn’t doing it, so I no longer believe that he’s serious about wanting to stop drinking. It’s difficult to feel any empathy for someone who refuses to help themselves, yet expects me to suffer alongside. And more importantly, DD. He seems oblivious to the fact that his drinking could result in her being removed from my care if I allowed him to stay here while still actively drinking. He says I’m exaggerating the situation, he denies there is any domestic abuse because he’s never physically harmed me. I’ve given up hope now, his actions completely contradict his words, and he has exhausted me. Both myself and DD deserve, and have every right to a normal, healthy, stable, life. And that is not something we would never have with him around.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaBear81 · 24/01/2025 19:53

mathanxiety · 24/01/2025 16:26

@MamaBear81

You sound so lost and bewildered and drowning in the world of pain the alcoholic has turned your life into.

Forget the slander. Ignore his attempts to blackmail. Everyone knows he's a drunk. Disengage, disengage, disengage.

The first thing you have to do is stop in your tracks and tell yourself that the relationship is completely over and you will never have this man in your life again. Tell yourself you are moving forward without him and not looking back. Repeat this to yourself several times a day.

Your motivation to do this and to steel yourself against your toxic optimism that this situation can be turned around is your child. You seem to believe she hasn't noticed what is going on. You need to chuck that denial out the nearest window, and make a promise to your child that you will prioritise her in every way from now on.

That means choosing her over this man - changing your locks, blocking him on your phone, and throwing his belongings out.
That means choosing her over the relationship with this man - I'm talking about never, ever letting him back, getting professional help to stop giving him headspace and allowing him to suck attention and energy from your child, drawing a line under the relationship, and moving on with your life, never to look back.

Show quote history

@mathanxiety that’s exactly how it is, I do feel like I’m drowning with the stress and worry his drinking creates. When he’s sober, he is great with me, great with DD. But it’s got the point now where even during the ‘good’ days I’m extremely unhappy because I know the next time isn’t far away, I spend my time wondering when it’s gonna be, what he’s gonna do and how I’m gonna deal with it. I constantly feel anxious, any time he leaves the house without me because I know he will use it as an opportunity to drink. And I hate leaving the house without him because I know I’ll be coming home to him drunk. I have never left him alone with DD since the day she’s been born, I feel like a prisoner in my own home because he is inadvertently controlling my ability to go anywhere without him. And by that, I don’t mean he tries to stop me. In fact, he encourages it because he knows he’s then got an opportunity to drink. So any time I do go anywhere, I can’t relax because I’m too busy bracing myself for what mess I’ll be going home to. It’s no way to live. He can’t even be trusted to go to work as he then gets drunk on the train journey home. He’s lost his drivers license for drink driving, he’s never kept a job longer than 8 weeks during the duration of our relationship. It’s such a stressful situation. I used to give into his pleads and believe his promises and apologies were sincere. But the more these situations happen, the more hardened to it I have become. My eyes have been opened by the fact that he hasn’t attended his last 4 appointments now. If he genuinely wanted the help, it would be at the top of his priority list for his own sake aswell as mine and DD. What he actually wants is to carry on living the life of a drunk, but somewhere and someone to come back to when he’s had his fill.. until next time, then the cycle repeats. I have made so many sacrifices for the sake of standing by him because he made me believe he really did want to change. But the truth is, he doesn’t. And I will not allow myself and DD to be dragged along in the chaos he creates anymore. We deserve, and are worth so much more than his next bottle of vodka.

OP posts:
graygoose · 24/01/2025 16:45

I divorced my ex for the same reasons, but it sounds like even wasn’t as extreme as your ex. Always the same - out ubtil 7am, vomiting everywhere, peeing all over the house and he even cheated on me with sex workers. It was meant to improve after DD was born but when she was 10 weeks old I said enough and kicked him out.

I was the breadwinner, earning 95% of our income, giving him a very comfortable life which was ripped away from him. He had to go live in a house share and reduced from a 3 bed house to a room in a flat with strangers because all his friends are married with kids.

I did feel guilt at first but a lot of therapy taught me, as it would with you, that this is utterly misplaced. These are grown men who have made bad decisions and whose demons ask us to enable them and feed them by giving them a security blanket.

Enough. You would not be helping him, you would be helping his alcoholism. He is not safe for your or your child to be around and he is responsible for his own fate now. You have done the right thing and I promise you a year from now you won’t even recognise yourself x

Janelle84 · 24/01/2025 16:42

Block him on everything. Change the locks and be cautious of who youre opening the door to. Youve done the right thing here. Well done for getting out. His life is the culmination of his poor decisions, not yours.

MrsMoastyToasty · 24/01/2025 16:38

He's proved time after time that he loves alcohol more than he loves you and his child.

Bonbon21 · 24/01/2025 16:27

It is really very simple.
You have a choice.
An abusive alcoholic v your child.

Priorities.... thats all.

mathanxiety · 24/01/2025 16:26

MamaBear81 · 24/01/2025 15:53

@Adamante yes there have already been several occasions I’ve had to call the police and have him removed from outside the house, because he’s drunk shouting abuse and trying to kick the door through while our daughter is in bed. The police have had to report it to social services obviously as there has been a young child present. Social services have told me I’m doing the right thing by calling the police, as it shows I prioritise my daughters well being over him.
You’re so right about the emotional blackmail. There was one incident where he told me via text message he had taken an overdose then didn’t respond to me. I called the police to do a welfare check, and they reported back to me that he was absolutely fine, just drunk. He is telling me now it’s my fault he’s homeless and has no money for food etc.. but the money he did have, he blew in 3 days in getting drunk. And I have thrown him out because he is refusing to take the help being offered to him, even though he is fully aware of the affect his drinking is having on me and will inevitably have on his daughter when she’s old enough to be aware of what’s been happening. I do feel bad that he’s in this position, but he’s done it to himself. He’s had so many opportunities to help himself with my full support, yet he completely disrespects my boundaries by sneaking alcohol into the house and proceeding to get drunk right under my nose. He says I should let him back in when he’s sober, but what’s the point when he’s going to be drunk again in another week or two? It’s been the same cycle since my daughter has been born, in the last 23 months he hasn’t been sober for more than 12 days at a time.

Show quote history

@MamaBear81

You sound so lost and bewildered and drowning in the world of pain the alcoholic has turned your life into.

Forget the slander. Ignore his attempts to blackmail. Everyone knows he's a drunk. Disengage, disengage, disengage.

The first thing you have to do is stop in your tracks and tell yourself that the relationship is completely over and you will never have this man in your life again. Tell yourself you are moving forward without him and not looking back. Repeat this to yourself several times a day.

Your motivation to do this and to steel yourself against your toxic optimism that this situation can be turned around is your child. You seem to believe she hasn't noticed what is going on. You need to chuck that denial out the nearest window, and make a promise to your child that you will prioritise her in every way from now on.

That means choosing her over this man - changing your locks, blocking him on your phone, and throwing his belongings out.
That means choosing her over the relationship with this man - I'm talking about never, ever letting him back, getting professional help to stop giving him headspace and allowing him to suck attention and energy from your child, drawing a line under the relationship, and moving on with your life, never to look back.

FOJN · 24/01/2025 16:24

He's gone, please make sure he stays gone. Your daughter does not need an alcoholic dad ruining her childhood.

He would not be homeless and broke if he were not an alcoholic but that is neither your fault or your problem to fix. He may not be able to help himself but other people are not obliged to suffer as a sacrifice.

Keep all communication with him to the necessary minimum. That does not include responding to his emotional blackmail. Call the police if he turns up on your doorstep. Do not let him in unless it is by prior arrangement to collect his belongings and you have someone with you.

Accept that drink is a higher priority to him than his daughter and do not try to force him to maintain a relationship with her, it will not benefit her.

BlueMum16 · 24/01/2025 16:22

You taken the hardest step in making him leave.

Do NOT let him back. No matter what.

Keep you and your daughter safe. He is not ready to be sober.

PartyAtVosta · 24/01/2025 16:17

As a child of an alcoholic- my mum - DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!! Alcoholics really cause SOOO much damage !!!!

mathanxiety · 24/01/2025 16:13

Of course you've done the right thing.

Now get your locks changed, and dump his belongings outside your house.

Block him on your phone. Do not communicate with him. Refuse to let him in if he comes banging on the door. Count yourself extremely lucky that you own the home.

Do not listen to his pleading. You are not responsible for his choices, and there is nothing about you or your relationship you have that will stop him. Disengage.

His threats to assault you should be reported to the police.

Call AlAnon and look into services they offer for people affected by other people's drinking. You are in desperate need of having your eyes opened to the nature of alcoholics.

You did not cause the drinking.

You cannot control the drinking. (Promises are absolutely meaningless, and I sincerely hope you've realised this).

You cannot cure him. (You need to shut your door and leave him to his fate).

Look after yourself and your child and do not give in to the temptation to be a rescuing angel.

Buy and read "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Endofyear · 24/01/2025 16:01

You have absolutely done the right thing and please don't let him talk you into letting him come back. He will try all the emotional blackmail and every excuse and promise under the sun.

You cannot have his dangerous behaviour around you and your daughter. You need a safe home and so does she.

You are NOT responsible for him having no home and no money. He is responsible for his own actions. He needs to actually want to get help and be prepared to do the hard work of abstaining and recovery. There is plenty of help out there if he is willing to take it. But it has to be his decision and you can't help him. You can contact Al-Anon and get support. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Original poster
MamaBear81 · 24/01/2025 15:53

Adamante · 24/01/2025 12:54

Alcoholics will make anyone and eveyone they’re close to, responsible for the practicalities of life - roof over their head, bills paid, food, laundry etc. All they want is to be free to drink and if they can get you doing all that boring stuff for them then they can focus entirely on the alcohol - spend all their money on it (and yours too!) and still have a base to drink from and sometimes return to. They do this with emotional blackmail and making their family and friends feel obligated towards them with talk of love and loyalty and “look at everything I have done for you! Yet you treat me so cruelly!” 🙄

YANBU, you were very shortsighted to let him move in in the first place but there’s no one as manipulative as an alcoholic so you can’t really have known. You’ve got him out, keep him out for the sake of your daughter. Call the police to help you if necessary. Expect your character to be destroyed to anyone who will listen though, he’ll be trying to make people feel sorry for him and use them as sources for the support he needs to be able to drink unencumbered.

@Adamante yes there have already been several occasions I’ve had to call the police and have him removed from outside the house, because he’s drunk shouting abuse and trying to kick the door through while our daughter is in bed. The police have had to report it to social services obviously as there has been a young child present. Social services have told me I’m doing the right thing by calling the police, as it shows I prioritise my daughters well being over him.
You’re so right about the emotional blackmail. There was one incident where he told me via text message he had taken an overdose then didn’t respond to me. I called the police to do a welfare check, and they reported back to me that he was absolutely fine, just drunk. He is telling me now it’s my fault he’s homeless and has no money for food etc.. but the money he did have, he blew in 3 days in getting drunk. And I have thrown him out because he is refusing to take the help being offered to him, even though he is fully aware of the affect his drinking is having on me and will inevitably have on his daughter when she’s old enough to be aware of what’s been happening. I do feel bad that he’s in this position, but he’s done it to himself. He’s had so many opportunities to help himself with my full support, yet he completely disrespects my boundaries by sneaking alcohol into the house and proceeding to get drunk right under my nose. He says I should let him back in when he’s sober, but what’s the point when he’s going to be drunk again in another week or two? It’s been the same cycle since my daughter has been born, in the last 23 months he hasn’t been sober for more than 12 days at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaBear81 · 24/01/2025 15:33

mashingwachine · 24/01/2025 12:20

I have been with my partner for 3.5 years. We have a daughter, she’s 2 next month. My (now ex) partner has had issues with alcohol for around 11 years.

Was he sober and hiding it when you met?

I'm glad you have ended it, you have done the right thing, poor child, as always.

@mashingwachine he wasn’t hiding it as such, it was evident that he liked a drink.. but he didn’t behave as erratically as he does now, he wasn’t abusive towards me etc.. these things have only appeared since having our daughter. He went on a week long bender when she was just 4 days old, left me alone to look after her by myself while still recovering from giving birth. He was so apologetic afterwards, very attentive, couldn’t do enough for us. But things have got progressively worse since then. He has passed out drunk with the cooker left on and front door wide open whilst me and the baby were asleep upstairs, he’s always getting into drunken fights, he’s been up in court for assault and paid off the accuser to drop the charges, numerous times I’ve had to lift his head to stop him choking on his own vomit because he’s been too out of it to even realise he’s being sick.. very verbally abusive towards me, will accuse me of sleeping with anything with a pulse, calls me vile names, threatened me with violence (but has never carried it out) … he’s just not a nice person while drunk, which is the complete opposite of how he is when sober. But afterwards he will always play the victim, saying it’s an illness he has no control over.. yet won’t accept the help that has been offered to him.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 24/01/2025 13:04

He says I’m wrong and cruel for throwing him out while he is struggling with this Illness

Manipulation 101.

You know you're not wrong. Stay strong. It's not your responsibility to get him through and enable him in his illness. Its his.

blobby10 · 24/01/2025 12:57

You have my utmost support and have definitely done the right thing- my ex partner (no children) had descended into alcoholism as part of a breakdown. He sold his house and moved in with me one Christmas until he sorted himself out which he tried very hard to do, went to do a Masters at uni, sorted that, accommodation etc. However in the May, I discovered his stash of empty bottles - he was getting through just under a bottle of spirits per day. My adult son was moving back in with me in the July so I told partner he had to move to his student digs asap. We were just house mates at this point as his breakdown/depression/alcoholism made him awake all night, not eating, not communicating or anything. I was working full time during the day.

He did leave but I felt so badly that I was letting him down as I couldn't 'save' him. Like your partner, he said the right things but wouldn't go to meetings, wouldn't/couldn't go to the GP, tried counselling but gave that up.

Unfortunately my partner had chronic liver damage and died later the same year after a mercifully short illness (ten days) in hospital. I still feel so very guilty for abandoning him but, like you, I had to put myself and my family first. He was an adult who made his own choices and wouldn't listen to me.

Adamante · 24/01/2025 12:54

Alcoholics will make anyone and eveyone they’re close to, responsible for the practicalities of life - roof over their head, bills paid, food, laundry etc. All they want is to be free to drink and if they can get you doing all that boring stuff for them then they can focus entirely on the alcohol - spend all their money on it (and yours too!) and still have a base to drink from and sometimes return to. They do this with emotional blackmail and making their family and friends feel obligated towards them with talk of love and loyalty and “look at everything I have done for you! Yet you treat me so cruelly!” 🙄

YANBU, you were very shortsighted to let him move in in the first place but there’s no one as manipulative as an alcoholic so you can’t really have known. You’ve got him out, keep him out for the sake of your daughter. Call the police to help you if necessary. Expect your character to be destroyed to anyone who will listen though, he’ll be trying to make people feel sorry for him and use them as sources for the support he needs to be able to drink unencumbered.

nutbrownhare15 · 24/01/2025 12:48

Well done and you've done the right thing. Even if he gets sober in the future I think this has to be the end. Protect your daughter at all costs.

RecoveringChocaholic · 24/01/2025 12:48

Well done you. It's absolutely the right decision.

Is there any chance that he will push for contact with your DD? I have been in your position and the one thing I would advise is to get his drinking on record. I self referred us to social services as my kids dad did want contact and I wanted to make sure contact was safe and on my terms. SS have been brilliant in supporting my decisions and helped me make a parenting plan and safety plan for contact with their dad. (He's sober for now, but I know it won't last forever).

Thankfully he's not taken me to court over contact but if he ever did, I have evidence to justify my decisions.

Look after yourself and your DD. It's hard, but 100% the right choice. Your daughter will thank you for it one day.

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 24/01/2025 12:43

Well done OP. This is so hard for you clearly but you're absolutely doing the right thing and I think you know that.

He will go through all the phases of manipulation and blame and saying you're unsupportive. It's what addicts do, so brace yourself and know that it's part of the deal with addiction. Stay strong.

If he actually wants to change then he has to do the work. You can't and you have a child to be totally present for. Leave him to it.

You're doing great, really.

Billbo46 · 24/01/2025 12:39

He's trying to manipulate his way back in. He's making shit choices. He will continue to make shit choices. He is an alcoholic. I wouldnt let him anywhere near you and your child.

Starlight7080 · 24/01/2025 12:32

Don't let him back .
Social services will get involved eventually and if you keep him around you will lose your child.
He obviously doesn't want to stay sober and he is not your responsibility.
You have given him plenty of chances

Vaxtable · 24/01/2025 12:32

You are absolutely not in the wrong. Do not let him back in

Tell him if he needs help to go find it elsewhere

ChaToilLeam · 24/01/2025 12:30

Stay strong! You’re doing the right thing.

Reugny · 24/01/2025 12:29

OP well done.

You cannot help him. He needs to help himself.

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