To want to leave my terminally ill husband and disabled son behind

Big hugs from me. Refer the family to children's social services and tell them what has been going on and how you feel.
This will pass x

This is a vile post.

Get back to your golden life and leave the OP alone.

I love that posters are bandying about advice like ‘get respite’ and ‘he should get hospice care’ don’t you ? The plain fact is that in many areas lots of care homes have closed, plus the only way to move hospital bed blockers who aren’t ready to go home, is to buy in care home and other services as a kind of ‘halfway house’ until they’re more independent. The knock on effect, as in my area at the moment is that there is no respite and very little hospice availability - even for those very near the end. Berating the OP and suggesting non existent support services is rapidly turning into a sport here.

My mother was absolutely hellish when she had her terminal diagnosis. My father just use to say 'there's no need of that A'.
My surgeon is having another go next week in saving me. I'm thankful and my husband has been great.
I was having a shit time a few weeks ago but @Rosscameasdoody helped enormously when my son was being an arse. A lot of it was fear. He's OK now.
This family needs help not advice on counting the silver. I'm lucky to have great friends close by, not everyone does.
The smaritans are good at sign posting.

All of this.

You may find your child’s behaviour improves once away from your DH

How is this helpful?

You might think that but there isn't.,respite is very limited and you have to jump through hoops to get it.

Well that’s a favourite bit of advice on MN isn’t it. Doesn’t make it right.

Where do you think the OP can drop off the child? You cannot just 'give your child into care'. Such care doesn't exist.

Do you have a child with SN? Have you ever dealt with the system? Probably not otherwise you would be sprouting this absolute nonsense.

One of the things we realised in hindsight when we were nursing my dad through dementia was that it had started affecting him several years before he received his diagnosis. He'd gotten so difficult that my mum was literally on the brink of divorcing him - when he was diagnosed she decided to stay but it was at great personal cost.

The child hasn’t got a terminal illness, her DH has, and depending on the prognosis the situation will resolve naturally soon enough. Life isn’t fair. Do you think her DH suddenly finding himself with a terminal diagnosis is fair ? The environment isn’t toxic, it’s angry, sad and strained to the limit, and to advise OP to leave with her child and possibly end up in a worse situation is totally irresponsible. She needs help and support to deal with the situation as it is, not advice to run away from it and probably hugely regret a decision made during a time of unbearable stress and grief.

Has your DH always been like that or is this new? Is the behaviour change a manifestation of the cancer?

It’s called getting your ducks in a row

Jesus wept !!!

what medication is your DS on

A woman I knew was in a similar position, abusive husband and son with autism. Only husband was not ill, but abusive. Her happiest day, she told me, was when she got sepsis (!!!!!) and was hospitalised for a month, 2 weeks of it on a drip and 1 week unconscious. She did not want to be discharged afterwards. She was so happy to be left alone, even if in an underfunded, badly run hospital where they forgot to feed her. Her son was placed in care whilst she was in hospital because her husband did not come home for a few days and the neighbours called social services. She buckled and got her son back, she was feeling bad about him and she is now back in the cycle of abuse.

Having ADHD doesn’t make you abusive

I really feel angry on your behalf that you are not getting the support and / or respite that you so clearly need. Is your husband capable of looking after your son for a couple of nights so you can just go to a hotel for a break?
I have had years of 'helping to care' for my elderly parent and it still has lasting effects on me now, (I wasn't ever the main carer but still my life wasn't my own) It was utterly traumatic. There was no help from social services because they knew he had family support. Nobody cares whether the carers are at breaking point.
I have also had to deal with my (now exH) who had ADHD. We live separately but get on ok together on that scenario. I have told him should he ever need help, I shall be there for him, but the minute he shouts at me, I'm off. He has an extremely volatile nature and personally I think he used the ADHD diagnosis as an excuse for his volatility. I wasn't buying it, and never will.

Leave 'd'H and sort your child out - at 5 it's not fair. You need to get your child out of that toxic enviroment.

I’m sorry I can’t offer advice but couldn’t just scroll by.

This all sounds so hard, sending you love and strength x

Respectfully, if this man is a bully and you’ve put up with it this long, do not rush to walk out at this point if he has life insurance policies & pensions which pay to you on death. This is a moment to be savy. You also do not need to accept his shit. Stand up for yourself, tell him if he’s so perfect he can do his own shop. Otherwise, show some respect if he wants you to carry on providing & supporting. Tell him his cancer is not a hall pass to be an arse.

Do you have family you can lean on? If not, do you have access to counselling? It might be good for you to speak to someone detached from the details and personalities.

As for your son, I agree he’s mirroring what he see’s. I cannot offer any real help other than to say do you have MacMillan nurses supporting you if you’re in the UK? Perhaps that could facilitate you doing some things with your son away from the house to rebuild your bond.

Once your husband passes, you can make an informed decision about what’s next for you and your son. No judgement from me if you decide to make more permanent decisions about your sons future care, but you don’t have to make a decision right now whilst you’re in the thick of it all.

What has also helped me is remembering - this isn’t forever.

This is just a phase in my life that I will deal with and move on from .

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it will end - and it is that feeling that makes us want to give up ime

I can see you're hurting and really struggling, but never ever give up on your baby. Mine has tested me to the limit, but I've never thrown the towel in, and he's a decent lovely human now. I used to say to myself all day long "keep plodding".

Thanks for that. I didn't know this but this is Britain where nothing works.

DH has spread cancer but he has always treated me with the utmost respect so he is a pleasure to care for.

OP you must get support ASAP. There must be some way out of this situation for you.