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Original poster

To think it’s okay to stay friends with an ex, even if your current partner is uncomfortable with it?

33 replies

MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:16

I have an ex who has been a good friend for years and our relationship ended amicably. My current partner, however, feels uneasy about it and has asked me to cut ties. I believe that trust is key and I don’t think I should lose a meaningful friendship because of someone else’s insecurity. AIBU to think it’s okay to stay friends with an ex or is this crossing a boundary?

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TheLargestToblerone · 23/01/2025 22:55

Asking this at 8 months and when you're only in contact once or twice a month is unreasonable. I actually think introducing them specifically isn't a good idea. It would make it seem like your ex is a bigger part of your life than he actually is, and probably pander to your boyfriend's insecurity.

Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:51

Thanks for all your comments everyone. I’ve really appreciated hearing your thoughts and perspectives. I’ve decided I’m going to head to bed now and tomorrow I’ll break things off with my boyfriend. Thanks again for helping me think this through.

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Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:45

Snowmanscarf · 23/01/2025 22:38

I think cutting ties is a bit harsh, especially if it’s only one or texts a month. I guess bf thinks you still fancy him, or vice versa.

What causes you or him to text? Are you in the same friendship group? Did you know him before? What do you text about?

I agree that cutting ties feels harsh, especially since our contact is quite minimal - just the occasional check-in or chat about general things. We’re not in the same friendship group, and I didn’t know him before we dated, so it’s not like we’re constantly crossing paths.

The texts are usually casual, like catching up on life updates or sharing something we know the other person would find interesting. There’s no romantic vibe to it, at least from my side, and I don’t get that impression from him either.

I wonder if my boyfriend does think there’s still something there, even though I’ve reassured him that it’s strictly platonic.

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Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:44

Beesandhoney123 · 23/01/2025 22:38

Wwll, even if you did, your new dp will want to check your phone perhaps. It will never end. Your friend will be hurt if you drop him, and rightly so.
Do you talk about your friend a lot? Are you allowed to have other make friends?

Do you live together?

I hadn’t thought of it that way. I don’t talk about my friend excessively and my partner hasn’t expressed an issue with me having male friends in general. We don’t live together so it’s not like my ex is constantly around or involved in my life in a way that would make things uncomfortable.

I also wouldn’t be okay with my partner wanting to check my phone or micromanage my friendships - trust has to work both ways.

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Fuckingpissedoff1234 · 23/01/2025 22:42

Would your current partner be included in this "friendship"? If not, why not?

My ex and his ex had regular meetups. He wouldn't tell me, wouldn't discuss it in any way. When we were on holiday together she sent, "love and miss you" messages, but apparently all platonic 🤔. It was sending me mad until I decided not to care anymore.

She'd go and clean his house whilst he was away.

Funny that now we are not together (though still shagging on my terms), he's going away with her next week and will be sharing a double hotel room. I hope I give her as much insecurities as she gave me, though I don't think so as she seemed to blindly trust him.

He's a snake, but I'll keep him around until it suits me otherwise for the shags. She's an outright birch because she knew what she was doing to our relationship, but was out to damage it

I didn't meet her until 3 years in when I insisted on it. He refused to be there. That's not a friendship. I only saw her one other time and both were there. He hung on her every word.

Snowmanscarf · 23/01/2025 22:38

I think cutting ties is a bit harsh, especially if it’s only one or texts a month. I guess bf thinks you still fancy him, or vice versa.

What causes you or him to text? Are you in the same friendship group? Did you know him before? What do you text about?

Beesandhoney123 · 23/01/2025 22:38

Wwll, even if you did, your new dp will want to check your phone perhaps. It will never end. Your friend will be hurt if you drop him, and rightly so.
Do you talk about your friend a lot? Are you allowed to have other make friends?

Do you live together?

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 22:36

MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:32

My ex has never been disrespectful towards my partner, and as far as I know, there’s no specific reason for them to feel a lack of trust in our relationship. My ex and my current partner haven’t met though, so maybe that’s part of the issue.

I’d be open to discussing boundaries that make my partner feel more comfortable, but I also want to avoid cutting ties with someone who’s been a good friend to me for years. I’m trying to figure out the right balance between respecting my partner’s feelings and staying true to my values. Do you think introducing them could help or would that risk making things worse?

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Seriously. It's 8 months in. It's not going to get better. It will get worse and eat up the relationship.

Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:32

Lavender14 · 23/01/2025 22:26

Personally for me this would be a red flag if they were really pushing it.

I wouldn't expect a partner to ask me to cut ties with anyone (unless I'd behaved inappropriately with that person during the relationship or the other person was being disrespectful towards my partner) . But I do think it's fair to talk openly and honestly about it and I would be trying to meet my partner halfway in agreeing boundaries to help them feel more comfortable.

Is there any reason why your current partner is struggling to trust you in this relationship? Has your ex been disrespectful, have they met and how much effort has your ex made to get to know your current partner?

My ex has never been disrespectful towards my partner, and as far as I know, there’s no specific reason for them to feel a lack of trust in our relationship. My ex and my current partner haven’t met though, so maybe that’s part of the issue.

I’d be open to discussing boundaries that make my partner feel more comfortable, but I also want to avoid cutting ties with someone who’s been a good friend to me for years. I’m trying to figure out the right balance between respecting my partner’s feelings and staying true to my values. Do you think introducing them could help or would that risk making things worse?

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Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:28

MoveToParis · 23/01/2025 22:23

What does good friend mean? I am friends with an ex from decades ago, and I wouldn’t be with someone who demanded I cut ties. But I also wouldn’t behave disloyally.

I mean we’re in regular contact, maybe once or twice a month, and we’ve maintained a supportive and respectful dynamic since we broke up. There’s nothing disloyal or inappropriate in our interactions - we don’t talk about the past relationship or cross any lines. I value the friendship for what it is now, not what it used to be.

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porridgebath · 23/01/2025 22:27

MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:26

We’ve been together for 8 months and I’ve been trying to figure out whether this is just a boundary for him or if it could hint at something bigger.

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That's not a partner that's a boyfreind/girlfriend. It's just end it now and move on. Not worth the hassle

InWalksBarberalla · 23/01/2025 22:27

Busywithsomething · 23/01/2025 22:19

I think it's best to respect the wishes of your partner

What always? Or just when he is trying to control who you are friends with?

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 22:26

I'd leave your partner as you're incompatible there's no point wasting time on it with all the stress of you wanting to meet your ex and your partner not wanting you to

Lavender14 · 23/01/2025 22:26

Personally for me this would be a red flag if they were really pushing it.

I wouldn't expect a partner to ask me to cut ties with anyone (unless I'd behaved inappropriately with that person during the relationship or the other person was being disrespectful towards my partner) . But I do think it's fair to talk openly and honestly about it and I would be trying to meet my partner halfway in agreeing boundaries to help them feel more comfortable.

Is there any reason why your current partner is struggling to trust you in this relationship? Has your ex been disrespectful, have they met and how much effort has your ex made to get to know your current partner?

Feelinadequate23 · 23/01/2025 22:26

Depends on a number of factors - how much time do you spend with your ex? Do you confide things in him that you don’t with DH? Do you meet up for “date-like” events?

texting every few months and meeting up for coffee once a year, sometimes with partners - wouldn’t bother me too much.

texting every day, spending hours on the phone, going for dinners alone - in my opinion you would be disrespecting our relationship. I’d probably just leave though, rather than asking you to ditch the ex. I don’t want or deserve to be someone’s sloppy seconds!

Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:26

Doobeedoodoo · 23/01/2025 22:21

How long have you been with your partner. If it’s new relationship i’f be wary to cut ties with a friend just because current partner disagrees. For all you know, he might have controlling tendencies or other unsavoury character traits you don’t know about yet.

We’ve been together for 8 months and I’ve been trying to figure out whether this is just a boundary for him or if it could hint at something bigger.

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Rachmorr57 · 23/01/2025 22:25

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Jinglehop · 23/01/2025 22:24

If your ex is happy to socialise with you and your new dp together, but your dp isn’t comfortable with that it’s your dp’s problem … but you have to decide who is more important to you and act in their interest. It depends how long you’ve been together etc etc

If your ex wants only to see you alone and isn’t interested in meeting/getting to know your new partner then it’s fairly reasonable of your dp to ask you to drop ties if you’re in an established exclusive relationship

Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:24

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 23/01/2025 22:18

It depends what you would expect if the roles were reversed. Would you be happy with your partner spending time with someone that made YOU feel uncomfortable?

I’ve thought about this. If the roles were reversed, I think I’d try to understand the context - like how close they were and whether there was any lingering romantic tension. If I genuinely trusted my partner and knew the friendship was platonic, I’d hope I could be okay with it. But I understand that everyone has different boundaries when it comes to exes which is why this situation feels so tricky.

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devastatedagain · 23/01/2025 22:23

It depends. When you say your current partner wants you to cut ties with your ex, exactly what do those ties consist of

MoveToParis · 23/01/2025 22:23

What does good friend mean? I am friends with an ex from decades ago, and I wouldn’t be with someone who demanded I cut ties. But I also wouldn’t behave disloyally.

PizzaPunk · 23/01/2025 22:22

I wouldn't allow a partner to force me to cut ties with female friends, so I wouldn't allow it with male friends either.

Original poster
MyCraftyHazelSeal · 23/01/2025 22:22

Pussycat22 · 23/01/2025 22:17

Are there children involved?

If by children you mean between my ex and me, no, there are no children involved. My ex and I stayed friends purely because we value the connection we built during our relationship and it’s completely platonic now. Do you think that makes a difference?

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SandyY2K · 23/01/2025 22:22

I wouldn't want to just cut ties with an ex, on the say so of a new partner, but it does depend on how often you communicate and the nature of your friendship.

It can create insecurities of your in regular contact. That's human nature.

SheridansPortSalut · 23/01/2025 22:21

You need to cut ties with one of them.
You're best placed to decide which one.