Husband sometimes breaks things when angry - should I leave?

I think when we have kids and have been in a relationship for a long time we can sometimes brush it off and blame it on x y z but ultimately he’s abuse and it’s making you question yourself. Your children don’t need to see that or hear that. we need good role models for our children, apart from the aggressiveness and him breaking things, then wanting to play on a game all day everyday how childish! Sounds like he needs to grow up and start spending time with his family and stop blaming you for him being overstimulated from hours of gaming!!!!
please consider your kids and what the see and how they will take that into there relationships like he has with his

This is true. My relationship with my mother has never recovered from her decision to stay / lack of taking action to leave and protect us. I got us out in the end, age 17. Obviously I despise my father more, but once I got past the guilt of victim-blaming my mother, the other deep negative emotions towards her surfaced. Don't let this be you/your kids.

So what? From your own account he has been like this for years. As others have said, I feel sorry for your children.

OP. Imagine if your child was so scared of you, she ran and shut herself in a cage.

What would you do?
I would be mortified. I'd think about it every day for months, then think about it regularly with that horrible shame you get in the middle of the night. I'd do better & pray the forgave me. I bet you would too OP.

Meanwhile he does fuck all. Tells the Dr a sob story. Gets a week off work. Bonus, more time to play Xbox. He blames you. Blames his parents blah blah blah. Any apologies? Any positive moves to change?

Unfortunately he hasn't been signed off from being an abusive prick. MN is here 24/7 to support you if you leave x

DH genuinely had an issue with anger which, pre marriage, I told him he had to deal with or the relationship was over. He went to a lot of therapy and did a lot of work.

Do you know what happaned when we had an argument a few years later and he threw a chopping board at a door and it smashed and then fell to the floor? When he calmed down I pointed out that 2 year old DS was in the other room when he did this and that if he'd walked into the kitchen he could have been hit. He booked an appintment with his therapist immediately.

Do you know what he has never done? Blamed me. Oh sure, in the moment, but it was that instinct of blaming me that had me tell hin sort it, or ship out and it was him, in the calm phase fully accepting that his feelings during the anger phases were unacceptable that made him commit to doing the work.

Your H, on the other hand, is clearly just abusive and controlling. his anger is designe ot prevent you from questioning him or challenging him and it ensures he doesn't have to do anything he does not want to do.

Edited to clarify: Post initial therapy (pre marriage) none of these incidents happened again until that day 4 years later. Since then, he has never ever done it again. Why? Becuase he has DONE THE WORK and accepted the responsibiltiy.

Imagine a child having to lock themselves in a dog crate to get to safety?

Unbelievable the lives some children endure.
Hopefully she will tell a teacher about Daddy and SS will be triggered.

Children like this don't stand a chance in houses full of domestic abuse like this.

One parent terrorising them, the other parent putting the abuser first ahead of their terrorised children.

Just heartbreaking.

And parents wonder why their children cut them off and go NC the first chsnce they get.
They often blame their mothers the most for not protecting them when they knew it was wrong.

My mother once bounced every single plate and cup in the house off the kitchen wall in one of her tantrums. I was mid teens at the time and just thought she was an absolute loon and gave her a wide berth for a few days. But your children are young and frightened. I would not tolerate that. I would be issuing an ultimatum - he either seeks counselling and sorts himself out or he leaves.

However annoying nagging or whining you are this is completely irrelevant

(Not saying you are but even if you nagged and moaned at him from morning till night, this violent behaviour still wouldn't be justified.)

Not only is this abusive and you should leave asap for your and your children's safety but this m as n is a child more interested in playing games than engaging in an adult relationship. Do you want your children to see this as an example of being a man?

I grew up in a house with a man like this and it had huge affect not just in poor choices I made in men but in how I view my mother because she didn't leave. Our relationship is trash because she never put her kids first. Do the right thing, put them first and get them safe. He's an abusive man child who isn't worth your time.

Your children are telling you they are afraid. you have a 9year old locking herself in a dog cage for safety.
You need to get them out of that situation and he won’t change, he isn’t even remorseful, that’s why you’re changing your behaviour not him

It happened because he did it. Not because of you.

I didn’t even read all through that, but leave him and don’t look back.

He’s abusive and this is domestic violence. Get out, start a new life with your beautiful children. Your children need to know now that this is not acceptable behaviour.

He needs to manage his behaviour or leave. He needs to make a plan for the next time he’s angry. Going for a run or walk so he is away from everything

You child tried to hide in the dog crate....Think about that.
He needs to leave

I hope one of your kids tells a teacher what is going on. They are living in an abusive environment and no one is protecting him. You’ve chosen staying with him over protecting your children. Someone else needs to, so I very much hope that the school call social services. Your kids need someone.

Or you could wake up, pack your things and leave with the kids. And never go back. But we all know you won’t.

Have you got any friends or relatives nearby who can be with you.

Do you have any friends or neighbours who pop round who might be able to possibly defuse situations that might escalate in the meantime. Moreover, if there are, does he behave like that in front of them..

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

This guy is definitely in control and this is how he likes it.

The idea is to scare you into saying almost nothing at all. He's told you that effectively, and since you will insist on trying to talk, he will give himself licence to hurt you. If you put up with that, he will hurt your children.

This man doesn't love you. He holds you in contempt. The more you tolerate, the more he will get physical to show how stupid he thinks you are.

Get out. This is a nasty game where he is working you over to see if you will put yourself and any sense of self preservation second to his needs. And he is enjoying it.

We've been here 5 years and I can only recall 3 incidents, he threw his Xbox on the floor when I told him he loved it more than me maybe a year ago, as he spends his life on it, he punched a hole in a door a few months ago and this weekend he threw a large cooking pan,

Do you see the pattern here, OP? The time between each incident is decreasing rapidly, from a year to months to weeks.

This man will hurt you and/or children. Don’t let it get that far as it has potential to cause worse damage, make plans to leave.

Leave him. Your child locked themselves inside a dog cage to get away from their dad who was smashing the house up.

What would you tell your sister if you had one and she told you your threads opening post?

Burst into tears and said that he works really hard and never gets to do what he wants and that he wants to kill himself...he had been playing his games since midday the day before all day and night until he came to bed late. He has a motorbike, a new mountain bike, a Nintendo switch, his Xbox and a tennis club membership, but apparently he never gets to do what he wants and he says it was how I talk to him

Violence towards objects is still violence.
Re-read the extract above from your message OP. This is not the behaviour of a normal adult. You, essentially, have three children - the problem is that the biggest one has you all walking on eggshells, is violent and is damaging your children’s mental health.

This man is dangerous. Please ask him to leave - now. Next, speak to your children’s school about what’s been happening in order to access help and counselling for them. This may also help ensure any access visits are supervised. Don’t accept him back, don’t move anyone else in. Your children come first from now on.

I don’t know. @Stircrazy1984 Does your husband behave this way at work when a colleague pisses him off? In the shops when someone, say, much bigger than he is, pushes past him? For example.

If the answer to any of those is no, then he absolutely can control his temper he just chooses not to at home as he doesn’t care if terrorises his family.

Your child hid in the dog crate. That single detail should be enough for you to leave or kick your husband out. This home is not safe, either physically or emotionally.

He is abusing you and your children. You must protect your children from this monster otherwise you are enabling him
He has conditioned you to minimise his behaviour by saying there have only been 3 incidents in 5 years. Your child locked herself in the dog crate as a result of one of these incidents. Your poor daughter.
What if the pot had hit one of them as he was throwing it?
You have to take action to protect you and your children. Make an appointment with your GP, contact Womens Aid. Good luck.

He's abusive. He has an issue. He isn't taking responsibility. He will not change.

Your kids are scared of him and you are walking in eggshells. This is not a happy or safe relationship. LEAVE

He is not in control of himself, the problem is that you don't know which way the uncontrolled behaviour could turn, it may turn to violence towards somebody rather than thing.
You need to get him professional help urgently, as how it is at the moment could be dangerous, if he refuses you have a responsibility to protect yourself and your children.