To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

What do you want out of life? What are you missing? What steps can you take to get there?

My milestone ages were similar to yours, I am nearing 40 now and am feeling so lucky for how life panned out for me because whilst it isn't something many people choose these days, the reality is not many can even if they wanted.

I have a husband who is my genuine best friend who I've been lucky to share my whole adult life with, no complicated past, grew up together. Children younger meaning I have a long time ahead (hopefully!) ahead with them. A career that is meaningful and financially lucrative. I loved my 20s, my 30s have been even better, and I'm full of hope for my 40s.

I didn't go on a gap year (not my idea of fun, children didn't stop that!) but we've been to loads of amazing places over the years, some with the kids, some not (stayed with grandparents, who are obviously still young-ish and active).

You're probably still in a hard stage of parenting, my mum always said to me when your friends start having babies you won't help but feel smug, and she was right (smug probably sounds a bit harsh, but just that feeling of relief that we are past that stage!)

At the the end of the day, it's all down to your own outlook. Focus on what you do have and set goals for what you do want.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you made a set of choices and are now dealing with the consequences of those choices.

I mean, bluntly, in my view, you made some odd decisions that foreclosed a lot of things -- why in so much of a hurry to tie yourself down to one person, and to have a child, when to me the best use of your teens and early twenties is figuring out what you want the rest of your life to be like, opening yourself up to new experiences, having lots of relationships, seeing new places, and being freer to fuck up and experiment than you'll ever be again?

You may obviously feel differently, as you made the choices you made and regard them as having 'won', but now you seem to want peers to validate you in having made these choices, which suggests you're ambivalent about them?

Which is fair enough. We've all made choices that closed off other choices at some point and can have 'if only' moments. I certainly do. But you're the only one who can come to terms with your own decisions, or decide why you made them.

Hi @Alliona - I haven’t read all the comments yet but wanted to quickly say that I think that you sound like you’re in a great situation. It’s good to be youthful with young children! Maybe the secret is to make plans for when they’re older - don’t get in a rut. Look for opportunities to travel with them as young kids perhaps… but once you’re in your late forties (and trust me you will still feel young!) you can travel with your husband maybe and go on some incredible adventures! I’m a little envious as I think it could be good to do things the way you’ve done them as long as you stay young at heart X

I can see your point. I wouldn't have wanted to get married so young, especially with the significantly increased risk of divorce for marriages below 25. I was building my career without family ties and having fun.

But, it's a bit late now. AS the PP said, your first child will be 18 when you're 40. Hopefully you can take a sabbatical at some point and travel then.

Is this something that you both wanted, or that your DH wanted and you followed his lead?

If this is something that you wanted, you just have to live with the downside, which is that you can’t pack your job in and go backpacking around the world when you have young kids and a mortgage.

If this is something your DH wanted and you just went along with it, you might want to think about your life goals and how they align with his - people change a lot between 16-25, and maybe you are realising that backpacking and clubbing ARE things you want to do, and spending your nights in front of the TV isn’t for you. Doesn’t mean you have to split up, but might mean you try to include more of what you want in the relationship.

You see, I envy you. I did it all late, getting married and having kids in my late 30s. I'm now 50 with kids who still need a lot of attention. I'm perimenopausal and tired! Will still be financially supporting one child at 60. I wish I'd done everything younger. You'll be done and dusted by the time you're my age and can live a second youth! You can travel, party whatever.
I was very sociable from 15 to 35. Had all those years of partying and fun. I look back abd don't think it was all the great. Too naby nights of drunken debauchery, too maby days spent hungover. To ge honest, it was all a bit of a waste.
I'd say, enjoy your life as it is now and know you'll still be fit and young when you're kids are grown up. Enjoy what you have and look forward to greater freedom in the future.

I had kids at similar age to you, found it much easier once they were at school. You tend to meet more other parents then at the school gate etc. Also it's fab now they are coming out of the younger years, getting my freedom back retraining etc. and I'm only 40! I feel like I have my freedom ahead of me.

Is it normal in the UK to marry at 22? That would be completely unheard of here in Ireland.

I think you’ve just got to focus on your commonalities with your friends, even if those commonalities are spread out between several different people. Once people leave school, their lives end up on all sorts of different paths, but when you’re still in your early-to-mid twenties, it’s easy to still be in the mindset from your younger years of comparing yourself more directly to people your age.

You're not unreasonable to feel that way.

But those are the choices you've made and I think you have to make your peace with them.

You could always look to the future. Once your child and any future children are grown up, you may be able to travel. Perhaps concentrate on putting by money to enable that and staying healthy and active.

You probably won't be partying till dawn by then, but you'll be able to enjoy your travels without the hangovers.

The only snag might be that your husband seems very content with a settled life even in his 20s, so may not have the same desire for new experiences once you're both more free of family responsibilities. But then, you could always take up new interests and go travelling on your own or with friends.

I got married at 19 and I'm now 21 with a baby. My life is different from my friends and I do miss the freedom occasionally but I wouldn't change anything. We're just planning on travelling later.

It sounds like you've achieved a lot already. You've been to uni, you have a career, a beautiful baby and a good relationship! Lots of people would be envious.

I met DH when I was 16, we got married when I was 22, having a baby happened later due to infertility so DD came along when I was 30, and we've now been together 25 years and married for 19.

If I think back there probably were times when I looked at friends and acquaintances and they seemed younger and more free, but it passed. Me and DH have a strong and healthy marriage, a wonderful daughter, we've grown together.

It does sometimes feel weird thinking that I've been in a relationship for over half my life, but I wouldn't give up a day of it.

Being brutal as sometimes tough love is better:

I think that your main issue is comparison. You do realise there are millions of 25 year olds that dream of having their own child and struggle finding a partner. You are married to a long term partner, a beautiful baby at 25, went to university.

There is no race to be won, having a child or wedding first or last or not at all doesn’t mean you’ve won/lost at life.

Having a child does make things different for you but you can still go out and do “young” things.

In reality what do you feel like you’re missing out on? Going clubbing and sleeping in until 11?

OK so maybe you can’t do a gap year but you can definitely go away with a DC and explore.

Everyone has their own paths. There’s no one size fits all journey.

I also got married at 22.

Trust me on this, if you have a lovely husband and have children, you will be incredibly grateful when you hit your thirties. Many of my friends are divorced, single parents and are struggling largely unsupported. I know many that are quite lonely and childless not by choice and struggling financially on their own.

Ask yourself if this feeling is genuinely your own? Because you're actually so lucky, as are your children.