To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

I had mine young. I’m in my sixties now with grown up children, all owning their own homes, grandchildren and I’m young enough to be enjoying life, going on holiday whenever we like, seeing friends. It’s brilliant. My friends who had children later still have kids at home of university and are still in the thick of it.

MN tend to disapprove of ‘young’ mums (they also don’t approve of old ones!) but I think there’s two ways of doing this and one if have your family young and have ‘free’ forties and the other is to have your family ‘old’(er) and have your twenties free. Neither are wrong.

Ah, OP, the grass is always greener.

Some of your friends who are the same age as you will never meet the right person.

Or they'll be internet dating in their 30s and eventually meet a man but then need loads of IVF to conceive. (I'm late 30s and practically everyone I know my own age who doesn't already have children is doing IVF now.)

However you choose to spend your life there will be some compromises. A year off travelling probably delays you getting on the property ladder for two or more years. Pursuing a career which involves a lot of moving around makes it difficult to sustain a relationship. Having a baby when you're young means missing out on a lot of nights out and holidays with friends, and less disposable income. You really can't have it all.

Try to focus on the things you love about your life, and if you really feel there is something missing, try to figure out whether you can make it happen. That might mean getting your husband to stay at home with the baby while you go for a night out (or even a weekend away) with your friends. It might mean planning to do some adventurous travelling with your kids in 10 years' time. I know two women who have taken their preteen children travelling. One took them out of school for a year and went to India. Another took her child hiking in South America for 6 weeks in the summer holidays because she regretted not doing anything like that when she was young.

You won't be able to do things with the same spontaneity now you have a child, but it doesn't mean you can't have fun.

Honestly I turned 40 and was talking to a woman in the hairdressers also turning 40. She had a toddler and mine are all in secondary. My plans for this year involve travelling and generally having a good time. I can go away with friends, stay out late and have hangovers because teenagers sleep in and can get their own breakfast. I’m not smug about it the woman my age with a toddler is a lot more restricted. I also know that I’ve got at least 20 more years working and it’s unlikely I’ll have any kids at home when I do which has its own advantages.

Also having started a family young, I think like this sometimes. What I tell myself is, you can't live every version of life. We are extremely lucky to be safe, healthy, happy and surrounded by love. Make plans to have adventures in your 40s and beyond!

It's definitely unusual. In 2023, the average age for a woman to get married in the UK was 33. That age has has been increasing every year since the 70's.

I think you should take this feeling seriously, listen to it, and find some ways of keeping some ‘fun/young’ stuff in your life. Eg one evening off a month doing something that appeals to the ‘young/fun’ side of you (I’m too old to know what that might be - an early rave night?).

Take your kid to a festival. Go inter-railing with your kid. Without your bloke if he’s not interested! Hold off having a second, at a guess, cos all these ideas get much harder with two.

With friendships, try and keep the connection you have with the ones you have and look for new ones to fill any gaps. Eg talk about mum’s stuff with other mums. Talk about movies, tv, culture wiyh friends without kids. Don’t feel like you need the perfect friend to meet all your needs. You just need to find ways to meet your needs from lots of different people.

I don't think it's unusual to have feelings of 'what if' for the road you didn't take. And I also think it's hard when you have babies out of step with your peers, whether it's much earlier or much later.

But there are lots of advantages to having a stable relationship from a young age. I did too, though I waited til 30 to have a baby, and it meant eg. we were able to get on the property ladder young.

Sometimes I would look at friends in the first throes of a new relationship and feel a bit wistful. But then I would also see people going through horrendous break-ups, having to navigate complicated situations with second marriages etc and I'm grateful that we've stayed the course so far.

I also think that some of this has arisen from ticking off so many life milestones in such a short amount of time. I graduated uni, went backpacking, got engaged, bought a property and married in 2.5 years. I definitely felt flat afterwards as I had spent so much time working towards things that were now over. I suspect there's some of that going on for you too.

Wow that’s a low blow! How unkind. Or is it jealousy in her forties she gets her life back?.

OP your life was/is my dream, but caring responsibilities, ivf and endometriosis meant I couldn’t have children till my late thirties. Enjoy the life you have built for yourself and then enjoy the freedom when it comes.

I was married at 25 and dc shortly after. My dc is now a mid teen and I'm 41. I have a lot of freedom. I have friends who had their dc late 30's and are still dealing with nappies. So it's swings and roundabouts. I wouldn't want to be in their position, however they've told me that in hindsight they would rather have had their dc younger and be in my position.

*happily married

I'm 34 and I am extremely grateful I had my 13 yo and 11 yo in my 20s.

@Piloom you're comparing yourself to 2 people with quite challenging situations very far from my own. I'm married and enjoyed my 20s with a family, good career etc. My mum purely meant I was having a tough time but my friends would be there one day too and I can breathe a sigh of relief that it's not me when it happens, and she was damn right!

You haven't won a race. You've just done things differently which is fine, it sounds like you need to learn to be content with what you have since this is what you wanted.

Try doing some gratitude meditations. People who are grateful are content.

I also got married young I did a bit of living when my kids got a bit older when I was early thirties I did some festivals, hendos, city breaks. I got it out of my system.

And when u hit your mid forties you can start to enjoy time for yourself more long haul travel etc

My parents had children young. By the time they were in their early 40s we were adults or becoming adults and they had a fabulous time having lots of holidays while some of their friends were elbow deep in nappies.

And they have been young enough to be very active grandparents to their grandchildren

Your adventure right now is having children, there will be lots more time for other adventures later

I felt this way also when mine were young. Now I'm 42 with a 19 and 24yr and I can't imagine doing nappies or the school run, yet this is the stage my peers are at. I have to remind myself I've done all that when I was young myself. Now, we have an adult relationship with each other and I love it. Just last week I solo travelled abroard whilst DH and our 19yr old stayed home. I have a weekend trip booked next month with our adult DD24 who now lives with her own partner, plus further fun trips planned with them this year. By contrast my close work colleague who is my age has just given birth to her second child, and she finds it mental I have grown kids. We all do things differently I guess. No perfect formula for life.

Agree with posters above. I did it late and wish I had started a family in my early 20s now. The people I know that did are having a great life now. My kids will probbaly be just leaving home when I retire! Editing to add the baby and toddler stage is hard and lonely at every age and you will still have friends out doing stuff while you are at home with your kids if you are 20 or 45. Just ehen you are 45, the friends are doing even more fun stuff as they have the money to do it.

I think it's quite normal, common even to feel quite 'flat' when you reach major milestones, passing exams, getting married, getting that big promotion etc as you come to realise you're just the same person living the same life before and after and not in some magical Christmas land of end to end joy and satisfaction. It's also a cliche but has some truth that comparison is the thief of joy, yes you can look at friends with high flying careers or party lifestyles or whatever and think they must be doing so much better than you but I bet they're looking at you and feeling equally jealous of your 'perfect' life with lovely husband and baby and home...

My approach to this kind of feeling which does strike me from time to time is allow a certain period of navel-gazing about what I feel it is that's missing from my life that's making me feel sad, whether that's fun or money or validation from others or whatever, but then give myself a good old fashioned head wobble/pull-yourself-together-woman talking to, remember to be grateful for what I do have, and then focus on striving to achieve the things I still want. I find most of life's satisfaction and fulfillment comes from the planning and taking small steps towards achievable goals rather than actually achieving them, the journey not the destination as it were, and it's almost never too late to start. So if for instance you feel you missed out on travel think about what trips you can do, maybe travel for you will come later in life when the kids are older and you have more money, in many ways that's ideal but means you can take plenty of time to plan it out now!

Simillar sittuation, but I also look at people having babies at 40 and think mine will all be grown up by the time I'm 45 and they'll still be dealing with temper tantrums.

You're probably still in a hard stage of parenting, my mum always said to me when your friends start having babies you won't help but feel smug, and she was right (smug probably sounds a bit harsh, but just that feeling of relief that we are past that stage!)

I don't know -- I have only two friends who had children in their 20s, one from an accidental pregnancy she found out about too late to terminate, the other after marrying at 25 because she was desperate to 'settle down' for a complicated set of emotional reasons to do with abusive parents who had paraded their messy infidelities before her when she was still at school.

I only had my child when I was about to turn 40 (by choice). Both friends have said to me on more than one occasion, of their choice to have a child in their 20s, 'What was I thinking?'

I think you should be very grateful for what you have! A healthy child and a decent man to do life with, many many people will never find this in their lifetime. Online dating is not something to envious of, I promise you! And you can travel your whole life if you want to, having a child doesn’t mean the end of that. You will only be in your forties when your child is an adult and all the hard work of raising a family will be over and you will still be young with years left to enjoy! You’re a step ahead of most, don’t ruin what you have feeling envious of things you probably don’t want anyway in all likelihood.

I had my kids when I was 22 then 26 and I did find it a struggle to relate to my friends back then who were off chasing their careers or getting multiple degrees and travelling the world.

As a PP said, once kids start school you may start making more mum friends and I'm still friends now with ones I met even at toddler groups.

I'm now 43 and my kids are 21 and just about to turn 17. Now that they're older I've got the freedom to do more things for myself now, I finally graduated last year after dropping out of uni when I was pregnant with my eldest and DH and I can go away even overnight or for a weekend and don't have to think about childcare or dog kennels since the DC will look after the dogs when we're away. I can even just go out to the pub or a wander the shops and not have to think about dragging them out with me.

It was so hard 20 years ago but honestly now I don't regret having my DC at the age I did, especially seeing friends my age still running after toddlers. I don't think I could do that nowadays.

I hope between other parents you might meet at nursery/school and then any workmates in your career that you find things improve soon.

I got married at 21, had twins at 23. I had a university degree by the time I got married and worked mix of full and part time as they grew up.

We were the first in our friendship groups to have kids. Was a bit difficult to keep involved but we dragged them lots of places and threw lots of summer parties/BBQs etc.

It's now good to be relatively young, have the kids off my hands and still have money and time to travel.

The downside of travelling etc in your 20s is that if you have kids in your 30s you spend your 40s knackered, dealing with teens and with no money.

When you've raised your boy you will be young enough to grow yourself in whatever direction you wish to go in.