To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

I think one of the huge potential benefits of having children younger is how much longer you could get to see them grow up. Obviously there are no guarantees in life, so not something to do this solely for lol, but I'm potentially going to see my children reach 60+ which would be wonderful!! I may even get to see them be grandparents themselves.

But if you had your kids at 40 (I did) you didn't have to deal with toddlers in your 20s and 20s. So it's just different- we had free time then,you have it now

Strong relate.

Married at 21, first child 22, second 26. Spent a good part of my 20's and 30's feeling resentful and envious of friends living it up.
Now in my 50s, kids grown up. Freedom and young enough to enjoy it with a lot more money than my younger self would have had. I know you can't wish your life away waiting for a time when you have more choices, but try to appreciate each day. You have a loving caring husband - lots don't have that. You can still enjoy free time & plan trips. In the blink of an eye your little one will be at school and you'll have more time for yourself. Dont waste your life thinking that the grass is greener. It's really not.

Yes - I had two kids at 38 and 39 and it was the right time for me. It meant I had established myself financially and enjoyed my youth. But each to their own

I have to say as I am in my 50’s now, I thought my young life was all about ambition, being a career girl, holidays, clothes, travel.
Also not having a go at anyone who has kids over 40, you have a lot to offer in terms of life experience, but watching women who are my age dealing with teenage kids, the menopause, ill parents and working full-time, a lot of them are physically on their knees. It’s not a blanket statement, just an observation from conversations.
The friends who had kids at your age often had younger parents and now they are in their fifties they are enjoying good lifestyles and freedom in many ways. They love being grandparents when that happens, I know a few couples who are still together, their grown up kids are settled, and they are enjoying all sorts of adventures.
By having your children quite young yes you give up some freedoms. I didn’t want to, and hadn’t met the right person. For many reasons, I never had children and believe me if I could go back and meet myself at 22 I would say…. have them now!
There is no right or wrong. But while being young and free is fun, it also brings heartache, and if I could tell you the amount of money I wasted on that freedom…
That’s another story.
At some point in the future, your free friends may decide, some of them, that may want kids.
Some will come to you and tell you that they are struggling with it, they haven’t met the right person, and they are running out of time.
I hope if and when that happens you can show empathy, and you will, but you will be very grateful for the family you have created.

The thing is, it's impossible to do everything! You can't be a young parent (I don't mean that to sounds insulting, by the way) and live the life of your free and single peers, but they can't live yours, either! While you are feeling slightly envious of their lifestyle, there may come a time when they are slightly envious of yours.

It's perfectly normal to wonder what might have been or wish for what we don't have and didn't do; there are many lives we could have led, given different circumstances.

I think the first year of motherhood is really bloody hard, and you are still very young! I was 33 when I had my DD and I still felt similar to you, even then! It is completely okay for you to be feeling like this, but it sounds as though you have a lovely life and a happy home and those things will mature and develop with you. Have you been to mum and baby groups at all? There are so many different ones out there and you'll gain exposure to people whose stage in life more closely aligns with yours too.
Chin up, @Alliona - life is long and this is just a phase. Sending love 💕

I think the ‘you can have your freedom back when you are 40’ thing is a bit disingenuous. Of course you can have physical and practical freedom when the kids are older. But the ‘mental/emotional’ freedom of being in your early twenties (unless there is trauma/illness/other challenges) is hard to replicate in your 40s and 50s, however much money and time you have.

That’s great for you.

Married at 19 , child at 21 , mortgage late 20s .
Never been on a singles holiday , never had a girly weekend . Never played the field or had a ons .
I do feel I missed out on all that because I never really lived before I got married and settled down .

Divorced late 30s , met someone soon after ( still no single holidays , ons , shame ! )

Got married again , and have thought what ifs many a time .

Why do you need friends the same age as you though? Your friends are based on what you have in common at any given season of your life, it doesn't matter how old they are.

It sounds like the older parents are the ones who would be the closest match as the "at home raising kids" lifestyle is the most similar.

I had my kids lateish, mid thirties, as did most of my friends. Actually none had babies in their 20s even though many were in a position to do so. For me, I didn't know if I wanted kids and didn't meet DH til I was 30. And yes I did travel and live abroad a lot in my 20s, which was what I wanted to do, so I was lucky to be able to do that.

There are so many advantages of having kids young! You have more energy and you will have many years ahead of freedom. Also your parents will be younger and can enjoy their grandchild for longer. Mine were in their 70s when they became gp and haven't been very active with my dc - and now the DC are 11 and 13, their remaining gp are frail.

I'm 48 and my friends I and are juggling peri meno with kids and elderly parents, not to mention many of us have kids with autism / ADHD. And I know so many 50 something men having mid life crises. Obvs just my situation but there is a lot going in life at this stage, and it is much harder when you still have dependent kids.

OP, enjoy your lovely son and DH! I agree about finding likeminded friends - it may be difficult if all your current friends are at a different life stage.

You aren’t unreasonable- all feelings are valid. And sorry if I’ve misunderstood but what I get from your post is this is the life you wanted, career, children, marriage etc but that what you miss is friends who can relate to share it with as your friends are doing different things. Lots want your life but don’t have it, and I also think you will look back and be glad. Easier to take maternity when you are more ‘junior’ in your career and your kids will be teens when you are senior have more responsibility. There are also many single people in their thirties who partied their 20s away but now feel pressure to settle down and have kids and time is not on their side. Your feelings are valid but you need friends of similar life choices- could you make friends at a baby group? I’m 33 with a 7yo and 3yo so similar to you op

One of my best friends has been with her DH since she was 14 and had 3 children in teens & early 20s. She is now 45, has a career and plenty of spare cash and all her children are independent. She & her DH are living the life of reilly while the rest of us who scrabbled about making bad dating & financial decisions in our 20s and had kids in our 30s & early 40s are not free financially or responsibly.

It’s a shame you feel out of step with people your age, but the grass really is not greener. If you love your DH then focus on him and your family and what you enjoy doing. Make plans for fun stuff that excites you.

You might think that you’re missing out on travel but honestly, getting pissed up at a full moon party is not the best way to spend your 20s.You can take kids to far flung destinations if you want to travel now. But if not then plan for Thailand & Indonesia in your 40s!

What do you actually regret? Not having lots of dead-end relationships and heartbreak in your teens, twenties and maybe thirties? Having children only stops you doing things like traveling temporarily.

I regret not having a fun but committed relationship when I was younger, and having someone to go on holiday with. I also wish I'd been able to have children.

Your life looks pretty good to me and you clearly wouldn't have wanted a life of single childlessness.

I said you are not being unreasonable to feel like this. You feel how you feel and it is understandable you feel a bit in limbo waiting for your friends to get to this stage, and not having so much in common with young parents or older parents. It's more unusual to go to university and then (plan) to have children soon after graduation. But you can't be the only one and I'd advise trying to find like minded people (on MN?) or start a local meet-up group.

You followed a path that felt right for you. As someone said, lean into it. Enjoy it. You're young and fit and can get the young children years out of the way and focus on your career in your 30s and be enjoy an empty nest in your 40s when you and your husband are still young and able to have adventures together.

I had my daughter at a similar age and remember feeling similar. Life experiences don't stop at 30 though. I'm nearly 50 and my husband and I enjoy travelling, going to festivals/gigs etc this time with a bit more money in our pockets. I also have lovely friends I can do things with. I often think now if I were pregnant at 25 in this day and age I wouldn't change it for the world - clubbing and dating especially I don't think I could handle. Also because i'm older I care less about others opinions and to me that equals a better time. Dont put yourself down. Gratitude in the moment is helpful.

It weighs on my mind quite a lot. 😕

YABVU
You're asking yourself too many questions
I am in the same situation, got married and had kids very young, great husband and a fantastic career. I love my life and consider myself as lucky. Don't look for problems when they don't exist.

I agree comparison is the thief. You've got what most people want. I wonder why it doesn't satisfy you though?
What exactly did you miss out on? I did loads of travelling pre meeting Dh, is that what you want to do now? What else? Can't you make these things happen? You probably need friends who are more on your level though aswell. That can be achieved.

When your friends are having kids at 35/37, or older, you're will be teens and out of the door soon. Your career will not be stalled by a break to have kids. You are young and active and can chase after your children without feeling exhausted. When you're in your 40s and 50s you can travel further and in more luxury than a gap year and you'll be able to go on holiday during term time. You'll have more money, too.

Enjoy what you have now because it will be even better when you're older.

There is so much more to life for women than just being married and having kids. Great that you've studied and have a career ahead but what else?

Any hobbies, goals, motivations?

It is extremely unreasonable for being miserable about not having taken a different path, when the one you did choose has worked out so well. Stop it immediately! Seriously - nobody gets to have everything; you can't be both young, married, a mum and building a career and simultaneously young, single, childfree and on a gap year!

I also got married and had children between early-mid 20s. I’m in my 30s now and life is lovely especially now both children are older and more independent. Sleepless nights and the toddler years are such a distant memory whilst I still feel so young myself. My kids are great company and love our adventures and travels as a little family, I genuinely wouldn’t swap it for anything.

I know a lot of women who would have loved to settle down earlier but couldn’t for various reasons so I feel very blessed.

I am 39 and about to have my second (and last) child later this year. I wouldn't want children in early 20s but goooood, wouldn't it be nice to be in your early 40ties, presumably at the height of one's earning potential and have adult children who (hopefully) have left home instead of £2000 bill for the nursery?