To feel quite sad that I skipped my “young years”

We were married at 22, and have now been married for 47 years. It's great to look back on all we have shared and worked on together. Both our kids are in their 40s, and single, and both have friends who have broken marriages, kids who are difficult, money worries. My advice, be grateful for what you have and enjoy your time together. It soon goes.

Well said!!

Well it's interesting OP didn't return.

I’m more asking why you think you’ve “won the race”. I think you are part of a race that no one else knew they were in. Getting married and having children shouldn’t be thought of as a race. For some people, they don’t want it at all. Surely you only know you’ve “won” at life when you reach an old age and you can say you’ve generally been happy and don’t have any significant regrets. Surely that’s a win?

I had a friend years ago wh had her children at 22 and 24 (15 month gap). She was ALWAYS going on about how glad she was she had her babies young. She would be free in her 40s to enjoy herself and her husband and they were planning on travel and cruises and early retirement. She used to say to the rest of us “are you not worried about leaving it too late? I would hate to be an old mum. You really should focus more on finding a husband “. It was actually quite upsetting at the time to some of us as yes we did worry about it.

Anyway fast forward 20 odd years. Her youngest has a severe disability. Will never live independently. Her marriage broke down due to the stress. She’s skint and stressed all the time and is definitely not spending her 40s as she thought 20 years ago. One of our friends suffered infertility but finally conceived at 43. Has a wonderful little girl who both parents love and they are just happy to have her even though they are older parents.
I myself never managed to conceive. It was fucking hard emotionally but me and my husband are coming to terms with it just being us and enjoy travel and lots of night out!
One friend never wanted children. Has a lovely husband who also didn’t want them. They are planning on retiring and travelling at 50.

Who here has won the race? They’re all just very different paths that have good and bad points. I’m sure they all have some regrets and wish things had been different in some parts if their lives. Plus things could change dramatically. Any of them could get ill meaning all their plans go up in smoke.

Everyone just has to make the best out of their choices and circumstances. Some will make better choices and have better luck than others. Life isn’t always fair and is often based on luck.

I'm 40 and often wish I had lived alone/travelled/dated etc most of my friends have young babies and toddlers whilst mine are secondary school.

I think this is reflective of your relationship not your age. I feel the opposite 2 decades in, I am so, so grateful I met my husband when I did. I cherish our relationship and feel so lucky to have met him when I did and had all these years and experiences together. If you feel like you've wanted to live alone and dated other people, I suspect your DH isn't really a good match? (Or at least, not anymore). Even if our relationship/we changed in future, I've been so happy in my 20s and 30s and no one could take that from me.

Never too late, you're still young enough to do lots of things x

IMO this feeling gets worse as you get older. I met DH at 17, living together at 18 and married at 24. (Two amazing) kids before 30.
I've done all the tick list things, learning to drive, degree, career, great house and I feel it more now especially as there's no next thing really on my list.
I'm 40 and often wish I had lived alone/travelled/dated etc most of my friends have young babies and toddlers whilst mine are secondary school.
Is it really worth doing anything about though?

OP, I had my first at 20 and my third at 28.
it was difficult with my first - I didn’t really have anything in common with other young mums and my friends were all off at uni etc.
i was quite lonely.

we went travelling for a year when my second was 8 months, it was great!

and when my middle and youngest were at primary school I finally met my tribe and made some great friends.

now I’m (very!) late 40s, I have friends from college who have primary aged children and one who has a five year old. Now I really do feel like I’ve ’won the race’!
DP (children’s dad) and I are planning travels, we have lots of adventures, lie ins, focus on career and travel…it’s great.
hang on in there!

Thank you, you too!

I would try to remember you have a very young baby and frankly no matter how old or young the parents this stage of parenting feels relentless and exhausting and boring and like you don’t know who you are any more.

pros and cons to having a family early and having one late, to be Frank not many people I know had a choice in the matter, they fell in love when they did and that then set the course thereafter. There’s little control we have over these things and you only get to live the life you do so just enjoy the ride and make the most of it

I think we all grieve growing older, growing up. Having children is a strong reminder of mortality - their lives just beginning, yours part way through and many choices closed to you.

I had children in my 20s and sometimes when I worry I had them too early I think:

• However long I live, I'll get that extra time with them. So if I were to die in my 40s, having children in my 20s would have been a fantastic decision vs having them in my late 30s / early 40s. But even if I make it to 100, I'll still have had extra healthy years with them, and not only them, but any grandchildren I may have.

• I think that by having children early, I've given my children the freedom to have children later in their own lives, with less or no consideration for my age

• I will have more freedom again, later on my life and at that time I will also have freedom from being poor and having to establish my career. So hard life now, easy life to look forward to later also with my adult children and possibly grandchildren. So many many people are young and free, but they can't do anything with it because they are poor.

• This my sound arrogant but I honestly think I've sorted of crafted/moulded my husband into a better-for-me man by being together from such a young age. Sometimes people grow apart as they mature but sometimes they grow into each other. And we don't have any baggage.

• I think about an alternative reality, where I didn't settle down, have the children young etc and that which I truly value the most - which is my family, my children - might never have happened for me. This happens to a lot of women who want children. Because becoming a parent was of such extreme importance to me (personally, not for everyone) it was the right decision for me to minimise chances of it not happening for one reason or another.

• You still have freedom because of your youth. You're still actually very young. If you find you deeply love raising children then you've got time to do it twice, in two batches. Or, you can widely and evenly space your children far apart. Not many people can if they start older. Or, if that's not to your liking you can finish your childbearing years still in your 20s and have a much free-er period whilst still young in your 40s. Time and energy to pursue an entirely different career, or travel. So you do have a freedom of choice that other's don't. It's just a different type.

I had my first at 20, I spent my whole 20s feeling different, I didn’t go out as much as my friends, but I also prefer home anyway. Had my second in my 30s, and although I’m still at the baby phase, I actually would have preferred to have had all of mine in my 20s, lock my womb by 30 - as in hindsight I’ve caught up with all of my friends - we all have decent jobs, a good life - and I feel like I’m done with my family.

The main pluses of a young family are - you grow with your children, by the time they are teens, you are also young (I had a glimpse of some freedom before my second surprise came) and I find it harder in my 30s because I’ve created a system for myself and there is way more adjusting to do. I didn’t have much of a life at 20 and so I got on with parenting. Worked part time whilst she was young - whereas now I really feel the impact of putting my career on hold.

Your feelings are valid but I hope that I’ve highlighted that although everyone is having children much older for different reasons, there are still a group of young mums and there is nothing wrong with the lifestyle if you turned out alright and are happy x

I think if you really want you can also back pack with young kids - or travel in some way. Rent your house, take a sabbatical… traveling with little ones is great.
but that’s if your really desperate - your time will
come when they’re older and you’re still feeling young!
I hope you can manage to go out/ party/ club at times too. May not be weekly!! But I’m sure you can incorporate it into your life so you are getting some of what you want x

This is one of the fascinating things. Where I grew up, 24 would be quite old for starting out as well. But where I live now, women aged 34 are practically teen mums.

I was married at 22, had my first at 26, second at 27, and my third at 29. It hasn't quite worked out that they're all independent because of SN, but it's still a nice stage of life.

I had my kids at 15 and 19 I'm 24 and would like a 3rd soon so that by the time I'm in my 40s I'm free to do what I want to do. I think you either have kids younger and enjoy your freedom older or have them older and enjoy your freedom when your younger as long as your not someone who gets pregnant both ends then you get a fair bit of time to travel and take up hobbies go out with friends etc. 24 isn't that young to have a baby and be married in my area that would be on the older side to be just starting out. When your kid starts school you will find lots of mum friends who are in the same age bracket as you.

As others have said, when you reach the time you have a teenager and more freedom, you will appreciate your way sooo much. Not dealing with everything all at once in your 40s, having to go through stress of trying to find someone who actually wants to settle down in their 30s and so on.

I did it your way Op, not as young as you and your DH but we were young enough when DC off our hands and we did our travelling et cetera then. We were able to travel in a little more comfort as well. Very sadly DH died all too young but we managed to pack everything in and now I am widowed there advantages of being a young grandma. You will be able to do all these things in your 40s as we did and now I’m 70 believe me that is young. Don’t worry, you’re not missing out…. You need to get on with it because if you do it later in life, your energy is running out

Sounds like there are two issues here - one easy to solve and one that's harder .
The first is you comparing the one life you have chosen to the myriad lives of others. Some are falling in love (you've done that) some are at uni (you've done that too) some are off travelling (you can do that later.) If any one of us compares our life with many other lives, cherry picking from them, we feel dissatisfied. To overcome this, just ask yourself: do I want X's life, the whole package? X who has the freedom and excitement of online dating but actually meets a load of tossers (and with what aim in mind? Probably to end up happily married to a nice man. Which you are!) Or do you wish you were Y, an older mum, who has already had her freedom, but is shattered by the sleepless nights because it's way harder in your late 30s and 40s to cope with the physical demands of motherhood.

The tougher issue is you needing friends you can relate to. I suggest you don't try to find perfect matches, but just connect where you can, in any way that feels authentic and enjoyable and don't focus on the differences. If you want a night off, to let your hair down, go out with childless friends. If you want to chat about teething, do it with another mum with DC of similar age. If you pine to go travelling chat with older mums about where they'd recommend.

Your DC will be adults by the time you are forty. I had babies in nappies at that age. You will be so full of energy, fit and raring to go and best of all, you will know yourself well enough to know what you really want. So many of us bumble around in our twenties doing what others do, making painful mistakes. You will travel where you want to go, create a career you love, (which could start at any time, including now).

Enjoy the lovely life you have X

Agree, don't really know anyone that married now that young in Ireland barr travelling community, maybe back in the 1980s it was more common.

Exactly, I wouldn't have wanted kids in my 20s, very happy having them in late 30s and last one ar 40, but that's not for everyone and nothing wrong at either age, it's what suits you..

The average age of people getting married in the UK is early 30s. But of course with averages there are outliers

That's okay not to agree, like I said its whatever works for you. I'm happy with my decisions and my life and hope you are too x

Credit union loan!!