Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

I think op that you should write it all down, detailing how you feel: humiliated, unloved, mentally tortured - you’ll have to put it more eloquently than that. And also what it makes you think: whether he has someone else (or has had someone else), is a porn addict and ultimately of divorce.

It really sounds like he doesn’t understand how destructive this is for you. And I believe you are “normal” in what you want. You need to write it to avoid an awful conversation. He really doesn’t understand how badly this affects you and needs it spelling out. Sex is a reasonable expectation and he does owe you an explanation as to why he very clearly doesn’t want to.

My first husband wanted sex all the time. He used it as a distraction from thinking about all the shitty things he was doing . The rest of the marriage was appalling. My second marriage has far less sex but a huge amount of intimacy and love and care. The financial security is very welcome too. I would trade never having sex again for the life I have. Only you can decide what is important. No relationship will ever provide everything. Be very careful what you wish for. Battery powered items are also very useful.

I wonder whether he was destroyed by the fact that he found himself in a marriage with someone who didn’t want sex. And just ate instead.

it’s such a difficult issue. I have a friend and her and her husband don’t have sex and haven’t for years She seems to be really happy about it and he doesn’t seem bothered.

The problem is when one person really is very bothered and they are eaten up by the lack of sex, like the OP. I think often the person who doesn’t want sex has no idea what that does to the other person.

I was in a relationship like this. My ex eventually left me to come out as gay. I subsequently realised that the rest of the relationship wasn't actually that great either. I think I was in denial because I loved him and wanted to cling on to the marriage and keep our family together.

I'm much happier now, even though I was devastated at the time. My current DP is the RP for his DC (I have a 50/50 arrangement) and we only really get every other weekend and one night in the week together. Despite that, we have way more sex than I ever did with my ex - even before the DC!

Personally I think if you marry someone then you should work through your issues, rather than leave or look outside the marriage (unless that’s what you both want)
That only works if you are both willing to work on things (and there’s no abuse). It sounds like he’s somewhat happy to work at it, but you (understandably) dont like how that feels in practice (like you’ve pushed him into it)
So can’t you go see a therapist or a sex therapist to help you work through it better. It would be cheaper than a divorce at least.

tbf it probably feels awkward after all this time and if he naturally has a lower libido it might not feel worth the awkwardness,
imagine he suddenly tried it on with you tonight, I can’t imagine you’d have a great reaction (you’d be shocked or maybe not even realise) and it would just be really awkward, and obviously you aren’t going to try it with him so he might not know what to do.
if you can work through that then you might be able to turn it around. At the very least you can get to the bottom of why and know you’ve tried to work at your marriage.

Yes, that's what I meant. He probably still feels very close to you without the sex, which is a good thing, some people just aren't that into sex. Whereas some guys just use the women they are with as wank tools and that doesn't create closeness.

No, as far as closeness goes, I feel no gap.
To clarify, I have never been "that much" into sex, it might possibly be an understatement 😊 as well.
I married for practical reasons and with this setup firmly in mind.
Now at 45, I wouldn't actually mind staying unmarried all my life, but your preferences change as you get older.
Married for 20 years. 👍

He doesn't want to build up to it though does he. You were there, you were having sex, you've stopped. And by saying he wants to build up to it he's kicking the can down the road. You KNOW deep down he doesn't want to have sex with you. This isn't about building up to it. It's about keeping you both in this relationship which is working for him and not for you.

You've even come here (as I did) and asked if you can make it work and be happy. You've asked that question because you know it isn't going to change. You are trying to reconcile yourself to this situation. And yes you can muddle through for another six months, another year, 3 more years. Do you really want to never be desired again?

Being honest, no. My marriage isn't like this. We both have sex a lot because we both want to.

The issue for you is you are mismatched in your sex drives. I have experienced this in previous relationships and like you, it led me to want to look elsewhere, feeling so undesired. Ultimately those relationships ended.

It sounds really tough for you and I wish you luck, whatever you decide to do.

Sex isn't top of the priority list for me and I don't find it that important. It isn't like you don't have intimacy. Sometimes I enjoy a good cuddle way more. And yes with that many positives I feel like it makes the sex issue even less of one but it is your personal choice and feelings that count.

I am in the same position as OP, and have recently given serious thought to proposing this kind of set-up. My husband has absolutely no libido whatsoever and my perimenopausal hormones are raging. I feel like a teenage boy! I'm only 47 and cannot imagine spending the next 25 or 30 years celibate.

@ItsJustADream would you be willing to share what your boundaries/rules are?

It wouldn't bother me. Some people just aren't that bothered or interested.. it sounds like you have a long list of positives.

If both parties are content it's fine. If one isn't then resentment inevitable.

Yes and very happy, OP.
My choice at 42.
Husband significantly older, so gets on with it alright.
Can't imagine having sex ever again!
👍

But its not all good is it? There's a fundamentally important thing to you which he is quite happy to ignore, long-term and not seek help for or address. If you push anymore then it is coercive, but he is perfectly content for you to go through the rest of your life unhappy, unwanted and unfulfilled.

If it were a temporary change in drive or he was seeking help, then my answer would be different but he is not. You didn't sign up for life as a nun. Would you really be quite content going for the rest of your life with no physical affection?

I've been there. And it's hard. The problem is a week, a month, a year, 5 years without sex is fine. What I couldn't reconcile myself to was never having that feeling again.

I think that's a lot to give up. From what I've heard and read the good ones are few and far between.

I didn't vote because I didn't know what each voting option meant for you.

I think it's interesting that everyone perceives this board differently because I feel like it's full of people who say that you're not having sex at least four times a week you've got a dead bedroom and your marriage is over.
There's a balance. We only have sex once or twice a month now. We are both perfectly happy. The problem isn't the amount of sex it's how you both feel about it.
If it's more important to you than the place it holds in your current relationship and nothing is changing despite conversations about it then you might rightly feel you have become too mismatched. But you should take the decision separately from any possible chance to date others.