Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

It's so difficult isn't it, we are both very introverted and get burned out socialising but in each other's company can relax and talk all day and not run out of things to discuss. Our world views / values match and we share similar passions and hobbies. He has supported me through a degree and career change when I wanted to give up, he has supported me through my lowest mental health period seeing me go off sick for 6 months and hit rock bottom and slowly pick myself up. He did all the cooking/cleaning/housework during that time while I mostly rested and did counselling. So it's easy for people to say break up when they don't see all the other important qualities, unfortunately it is more complex than that usually. There's honestly nobody I'd rather spend my time with, no its not perfect and that particular issue does make me a bit sad and frustrated.

@LeafofLorien I guess it is you that needs to accept it. It depends what's important so if you can overlook that selfishness and are happy, then who is to say otherwise, myself included ! Best of luck to you ❤️

I think if there weren't so many other wonderful things about the relationship I'd be inclined to agree and it would be a hard line from me for a breakup. But I've had many long term relationships, some where the sex was great and the closeness/emotional bond otherwise was not great. And having seen several options, even if I'm not overall happy with the sex situation this level of companionship is more important and valuable to me.

@LeafofLorien that is so sad . What jumps out is his absolute refusal to
Try, even try to rectify it. The truth is that he doesn't care enough and expects you to accept this despite commiting to a loving sexual relationship .
It is beyond selfish and no excuse in the world could allow me to accept that he would even try to access support or investigations
That's not an amazing relationship. That's wholly one sided .

I know someone should never be made to ah e sex if they don’t want it. But in this situation it always seems so unbalanced…’the one who doesn’t want sex fully gets what they want, whilst the other person has celibacy forced onto them without their consent to that.

Its awful really.

Same with my ex, except I left him and he came out 10 years later. He was only in his mid 20s and just "wasn't into sex". Met DH and he's the opposite; 11 years on and it's still a daily thing. He's 40 and I'm 35. At the start of my relationship with DH, I couldn't get over the difference. To be crude, I could have presented myself legs akimbo to my ex and he'd have told me his big toe hurt so he wasn't up to it. Soul destroying. Obviously, he was suffering too but that doesn't make it any easier to remember.

OP, I absolutely could not live like this. Sex is a form of intimacy for many, many people and without it a relationship feels platonic. Your DH says he's "building up to it", but makes it clear he actually isn't. Obviously I'd say go through medical tests first, etc., but I'd be willing to bet my horse that he wouldn't go through with them because he isn't willing to change. This set up works for him. There could be many reasons: genuine low libido, low testosterone, he's gay or bi leaning towards men, he's a porn addict, he has some weird hidden fetish. All sorts.

But he isn't talking and he isn't exactly doing anything to make things better. I genuinely couldn't live like that. You've got so many years ahead of you, do you want to spend them feeling undesired? It's okay for some people to say sex doesn't matter to them - but it obviously does to you. This is upsetting you and weighing you down. I'd cut loose in your position.

Not me but my best male childhood friend.
Met a girl , told her he had no huge interest in sex, loved affection and kissing, didn't want kids etc.
she always wanted kids and was very sexual according to him but said she was ok with all of that as she adores him. She says she's on contraception. They have sex a couple of times per year for her, he says.. he finds it all repulsive so says it's over before it begins.
She gets pregnant. He's horrified but now a very happy dad. They're still together. They get engaged, live together etc.
god knows how it will all end. He adores his kid . Talks about her all day long but never his partner . All a bit odd .
I think it's a sad story tbh. Make
Of it what you will.

Your original post pretty much describes my situation. 8 years together, really solid relationship in all other aspects except the sex is pretty non existent. We share hobbies, we love spending time together, there is intimacy and cuddles and kissing, but sex is a rarity. We are mid 30s so I found this really difficult for a long time, I was the only one initiating, often turned down and seemingly have a much higher sex drive. It has been a problem throughout and after torturing myself with is he gay, does he not fancy me etc I pushed the issue. Turns out he has erectile dysfunction and was occasionally taking viagra when we he thought sex was on the cards. He won't speak to the GP about it or engage in counselling, and I suspect also that he's just not that into it. The shame is he's actually really good at oral sex but only does it if I ask explicitly which kills the spontaneity a bit. I've kind of come to terms with accepting it because apart from this issue it's the most loving, supportive, fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. But it does cause some tension / resentment I feel.

I want to join this thread but am too embarrassed at the moment. I'm also a young 47 and can't face the rest of my life without sex.

It's so difficult. Maybe couples therapy would help. Do you think he would be content with going down on you without anything for him? Seems odd if so? Unless his libido is non existent. Tbh I try to ignore it and masturbate every so often (which makes me more frustrated).

Someone upthread said no sex is ok until one of you meets someone with sexual chemistry - that's my fear.

I was in a relationship like this for a long time. I spent literally years weighing the positives up against this one huge, confidence-sapping negative. It wasn't even about missing the pleasure of sex in the end, so much as the crushing sense of rejection. Eventually, I came to resent the fact that something that was important to me was being sidelined even from discussion, and to me that signalled negative things about my status in the relationship. Once I opened that can of worms, the relationship unravelled quite quickly and I came to a realisation that it had actually been a controlling, abusive relationship from the start and the lack of sex was about expressly witholding something that was important to me.

Because there was no physical violence, I genuinely had no idea that I was being abused. I just had a general sense of grievance about a lot of things, which I was constantly being made to feel unreasonable about. The financial abuse I was subjected to would actually have met the threshold for criminal prosecution quite easily, but there was also a lot of psychological abuse that has left me very bruised and damaged my relationship with my children.

Before I allowed myself to pull on the piece of thread that was attached to our sex life, I genuinely thought it was a basically good relationship and had no idea that it was at the root of my depression and disordered eating. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm suspicious now that anyone who insists their relationship is totally happy "except for this one thing" is perhaps mistaken. If both of you were evenly matched in your lack of concern about sex, you wouldn't be posting. Given that you're not, it's a problem and needs addressing. And if it can't be addressed, that might be part of a bigger problem. Just to add, I would be wary of couples counselling/therapy if there's even the tiniest suspicion of abuse in the relationship as it will be used against you, but individual counselling could be really helpful to get your thoughts and feelings out for a good airing in a private space.

I'm two years out of my relationship now and mostly OK. I paid a high price materially and psychologically in the fallout but 100% it was the right thing to leave. The lack of sex turned out not to be the key issue at all but it was very much the most visible one.

My marriage has had a years long "dry spell". However, I am lot older than you. It would have really bothered me in my 40s. Our relationship is good, but we are more like roommates than a couple. We have five children - three out of the house and two off to uni in August. I guess I have just resigned myself to the fact that it will probably always be this way.

I was for the first 3 years of my current relationship, due to a mix of partners MH issues and the fact he was my first relationship so i was completely inexperienced and uncomfortable initiating. I was the one who got unhappy and initiated the talk, but there was no ultimatum, i would have continued if the relationship had been sexless forever, just been a bit sad about it. A couple of months later, intimacy happened.

Replying to you from up thread.

I do bring it up occasionally. We have other issues in our marriage and he says that he thinks we need to fix these first before we can get back into sex. He also says that he can't go from nothing to sex, and we aren't that physical affectionate day to day due to our schedules etc. sometimes I feel like these are just excuses. I don't think he is gay or seeing anyone else. He wfh and I don't think he could organise the deceit.

I have put on a bit of weight - I was a size 10 and I'm now a 12 post-children, normal BMI, but I can't help but wonder if he doesn't fancy me any more. Like you, I am confident and self-assured and generally feel good about my body, so if that's the reason it will be hard not to take it personally.

The times we have had sex in the past few years have all been initiated by me - I've made a effort with lingerie/massage etc. I don't know what else to do. After the last time I told him I wasn't going to initiate again as I felt humiliated that he never asked: that was last Summer and nothing since.

Life is busy and I'm juggling lots of things, but this is a niggle that never goes away. I had a good chat with a friend about it recently and realised it's not normal. Solidarity.

Well because we have a bit of a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement (for want of a better phrase) we don't know each other's number.

We do however have the same day to use the opportunity if we wish. We may set aside the 14th of Jan (for example). It is planned ahead at the beginning of the month and we can choose to use the date or not.

We don't have children, but several of my intimate partners have had children and one of them was in a very similar arrangement to mine. We used hotels. Him and his wife did separate days so they had childcare.

Planning is so important. I think 90% of the emotional battle with ENM is being prepared and feeling safe within the boundaries.

@ItsJustADream Thank you so much! That's really helpful to see how the ground rules might work in real life. Though in my case I suspect I'd be fucking as often as possible while my husband watches TV. He really has no interest at all.

Do you both have roughly "equal" numbers of encounters? And do you have children? I do, and it would be absolutely imperative that they were never aware of any of this. Actually, thinking of them being in a relationship like mine makes me even sadder.

We are sexually incompatible. His low libido was primarily due to that.

It still is lower than mine is, but he has things he enjoys with others that I personally could never do.

Without going into specifics, his favourite sexual thing is something I will never do due to trauma.

I also have certain kinks that are pretty crucial to me that he tried for my sake but he doesn't enjoy.

So compatibility in the bedroom was really the main issue.

We are attracted to each other and love each other deeply, but it's like trying to fit a triangle into a rectangle when it comes to sex lol

It's all fine just settling for a life of no sex until one of you meets someone you have sexual chemistry with.
What then?

Sorry to be ignorant, but if your husband has no libido why is he indulging in this too?

Are we reading the same thread? 😂😂😂

Sure!
So our first is pretty standard but protection must always be used. I am on the pill and he also seeks out partners who are proactive with their own contraception, so we are doing everything we can to prevent pregnancy.

We also have agreed to be emotionally monogamous, which means that if we ever feel we may develop feelings for someone (or them us) we end it immediately.

My husband prefers to see someone a few times and then move on, he finds this better for keeping clear lines.
I prefer to see the same person as long as possible. As a woman it is very important to make sure we are safe and trust the person. I also am quite picky and don't feel chemistry with loads of people.

We also have a boundary that it can't be anyone we know, that is in any way connected to our social circle or work.

We are okay with a couple of dates before intimacy in order to get to know the person, but we don't really continue beyond that. Once we feel safe, it really is about sex. The lines can get VERY blurry when you are also going for dinner with someone and dating them. For us, this would start to verge into emotional territory which would in our relationship be cheating.

I enjoy establishing a friendship with the people I have been intimate with, but my biggest problem has been the men getting incredibly clingy and saying they have fallen in love with me and asking me to leave my husband.

A lot of men adore the idea of a woman who says she just wants sex... But then they realise they aren't your priority (your DH is) and the ego comes into play.

We also have a rule that we cannot have phone calls or be texting a sexual partner when with each other. The thought of us cuddling up and watching a film and one of us texting an intimate partner feels gross (to us).

We tell each other the night that it is happening (approx once a month) and then we don't discuss anything else. I have no idea how many people he has been with, what they do, who they are and same in reverse.

The only time we have ever discussed someone is when a man got very clingy of me and I found ending it hard. It was my first intimate partner and a huge lesson for me as I did get in over my head and didn't keep the boundaries as clear as I needed to.

We also never have the people anywhere near our home. We either go to their places or hotels. Our home is for us and for "our time".

We stick to once or twice a month and we find that is enough. It is time apart where we can explore our individual needs and then we just get on with normal every day life. Keeping it a small part of our lives has ensured pretty much zero issues.

I've written a bit of a novel here, but if you have any questions I would be more than happy to answer :)

Edit: we also have a no social media rule. They can't follow us and we can't follow them. We try to protect each other as much as possible and we prefer not to see who the other is with.

We also operate ethically and are completely honest with potential intimate partners. We share all the boundaries with them before anything happens, so they come into this as informed as possible.

Ester Perel has quite a lot to say on this. I can't remember exactly which podcast episode I am thinking of but delve into her 'Where should we begin?' podcast series and there are several on this topic that might give you some conversation starters with him. Also www.estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-nobodys-f-cking-anymore