Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

I think you need to be completely honest about how you feel. Tell him you are considering leaving and lay all your cards on the table.

but surely the children don't know if their parents are having sex!

It’s not sustainable in my opinion. You may be ok for a few years but eventually you’ll have had enough.

The trouble with this approach, in my opinion, can be summed up by the bathroom analogy:

Is the bathroom the most important room in your house? Probably not.

But

would you want to live in a house with no bathroom?

Suddenly, the bathroom seems like the most important room, at least to me, and, I suspect, the OP.

Thanks for sharing this it's really helpful. I had actually never considered that asking for / suggesting sex is socially normalised more for men than women. This is a useful perspective.

I have been in this situation for 16 years (since kids were born). Really great and supportive partner but not interested in sex. It still happens occasionally but that feels out of habit/obligation. I have only recently realised I’ve dealt with it through a string of emotional affairs, so although I feel I’m coping, I think this is because I’m no longer emotionally invested. I don’t feel angry though, because I don’t think he can help how he feels. I don’t want someone to make an effort to have sex with me, I want then to genuinely feel that desire for closeness and intimacy. I have no plans to leave because everything else is good. I’m also not prepared to accept I’ll never have a fulfilling sex life again. Not exactly sure how to square that circle.

👆

I ended my 15 year relationship due to this issue.

no it isn't just a friendship. nobody kisses their friends, unless it's just a peck on the cheek and nobody sleeps in same bed as a friend.

We had a good sex life till we got older. Got together at 29 and 30 had children and had a lot of sex for 20 years. I then had a lot of gynae issues and had to have an op plus menopause. It’s infrequent now but mainly because of my health issues, and post menopause my libido did drop, plus children became young adults and still at home which also causes an issue as we like to have the house to ourselves I am close to 60 now. When we were on hols last year, we were at it hammer and tongs.

We cuddle every night, still hold hands when we walk along and laugh a lot. My sex drive was always stronger than DH and I tended to initiate. He very much needs to be invited as he is very polite.

I left my marriage of 15 years for this reason last year. It was maybe simpler than your situation as we had no children (primarily due to the lack of sex). However, it was still the hardest decision I've ever made, as he really was my best friend and we had a nice, cozy life together with a lot of laughter and I hated how much pain the separation caused him.

However a year on and I don't regret my decision. I've realised if he cared about me as much as he said, he would have been prepared to try counselling, seeing a GP etc to try and resolve. He was also happy for our friends and family to think that our "infertility" was due to medical issues with me, rather than his inability to have sex. If he'd even been able to articulate what the issue was, I might have been able to work around it, but the feelings of rejection and being undesirable were just too much to live with.

Honestly, it's been a revelation, I enjoy living on my own, I have time and energy for friendships, I have a new boyfriend where the sex is fun and light and although I don't think he's going to be the love of my life, it feels so nice to be desired and sex be enjoyable and playful again.

I've realised that a lot of what stopped me doing it sooner was fear, but actually being alone is more peaceful than living with the unanswered question as to why my husband didn't want to have sex with me.

Been there, 5 years together and in the end I couldn't take it, it IS jmportant

What’s he talking about... Building up to sex? You’re married not newly dating so why can’t the kissing and cuddles be a natural way to instigate sex?

I would not live my life like this for anyone.

@Donala

if I didn’t always initiate then we’d never have sex.When we have sex we both enjoy it . We’re been together 25 yrs .and it’s always been this way.

The difference is I am a man and i believe that the patriarchy conditions us that our scenario is fine. It does however get me down sometimes but having been on MN for a while I don’t think it effects men as much as it does the other way around as we’re inherently more selfish.

society tells women that you should be wanted and desired more than it does for men but if you want more sex just ask for it . With the towel scenario should just have said are you going to shag me then? He either would of or given a better answer than kicking down the rd.

Have you or him read any books. We read mind the gap, come as you are and mating in captivity. My wife didn’t suddenly become spontaneous but they helped us understand our dynamic better and increased understanding lead to better sex. Wish we’d have done that sooner

How do you know she’s only got “a few years libido left”? And even if that’s the case why should she be sexually frustrated? Peri or menopause is not the death knell for most people’s sex lives!

Don't throw your relationship away over this when you only have a few more years of having a libido of any significance. You won't find anyone else and in ten years time you'll be facing the rest of your life alone.

Similar boat. Having read so many threads of cheating partners who seem to have ‘normal’, not even hyper sex drives - the risk of throwing away something pretty good for the chance of meeting someone who wants as much sex as you, but won’t live up to your current partner in all the other aspects is too great for me I think. If they really like having sex then that is a priority for them, and the higher the chances of somebody else catching their eye at work/ down the pub/ at a hobby etc or them eventually getting bored with just sex with you and them slipping into online cheating etc.

There are pros and cons. Sex is important in a lot of ways, but a man (or woman) that ticks all the boxes is so rare. Especially the older you get. Many women believe they have found that man only to start a thread on here saying how they’ve been told their partner of 5/10/20 years says they’re suddenly unhappy, or they have found them messaging a new female ‘friend’ rather a lot and are at their wits end.

Not all men cheat. But not all men are loving husbands and have all the other qualities your husband has do they. You could leave him then find yourself suffering from the grotesque encounters of OLD, which are so colourfully described on here, or a man with bad habits and excess baggage from previous relationships that you’ve now got to put up with. Your partner could find someone else who is quite happy to forego sex in return for a living relationship and you will be faced with this each time he has the children staying with him/them. How would you feel?

These are all ifs but are really important to consider as they will affect your life and child/children’s future. I guess it’s how highly you prioritise sex and how highly each of you prioritises your own and the other’s happiness and well being as to whether you can remain happily in a relationship together going forward - How much effort he is willing to make and how much of a compromise you are.

An ethical open relationship is an option, as is a health check, which he can’t object to, and would at least rule certain obstacles out.

Good luck, OP, I hope it works out for you 💐

If he keeps saying he "wants to build up to it", do you think it's a mental block that he just keeps pushing away to address at some future point that never comes? If he's been more receptive after drinking could you suggest a date night say in a few weeks? And add in a couple of drinks to help the way? If nothing else it'd give you an indication of if it's definitely all off the table or not?

Don't be tempted, from experience I can say you'll regret it. I lost the most beautiful man after 21 years in pursuit of a handful of senseless one night stands in the middle of those years. Like yours I thought he'd lost his appetite for it and for me. I was so wrong. There's a book I can't recommend highly enough, 'Hot Monogamy' which you MUST read together. I wish we'd discovered it years earlier. Sadly my ex recommended it to me years after our relationship ended, after he'd been counselling and I was seeing someone else. Just reading it I discovered so much about our differences that I'd wished I'd realised when we were together.

I'll sign off by saying I miss him so much. Don't make the same mistake as me.

I completely know where you’re coming from, I’m in a similar relationship. I love my husband, he’s caring and shows me affection all the time, but I can’t really remember the last time we had sex. We used to be pretty regular, and we have two kids so I know it slows down. And I also hate bringing it up, because it is always me, and I really don’t want to sound like a sex pest. And he will not talk about it. He sort of retreats and just insists that he loves me. I feel ashamed that it’s part of my ego. I used to (and still do) attract a lot of attention. It hurts to feel undesired by my husband.

It's a compromise for sure. But yeah it can be like living with your bestie a lot of the time.

I told my bf that the Job Description of Boyfriend includes sex. He needs to do the job properly or he might get the sack.

@LeafofLorien To me he sounds like an amazing brother or best friend and I guess that's the difference between a sexual relationship and none. There are so many women who would give their left arm for this and when it ultimately works for you and you're happy to live out your life like this , then there is no issue !

I loved the qualities of my ex, too. He was funny, kind, considerate in all ways apart from sex. Generous, clever. Genuinely a really nice man, and I'm still friends with him now!

I met DH unexpectedly, amusingly introduced via his ex girlfriend (who was his ex at the time too!), who was a friend of mine. I wasn't looking, and he'd never have been the type to put himself on a dating site. On the other hand, my best friend met her DH on a dating site and they've been together 9 years! She managed to find one decent bloke out of the hundreds of idiots.

You can't know what your future holds. What I do know is that if I'd stayed with my ex, met DH and ignored him (don't believe in love at first sight, but my God we fell fast and hard. I don't think we were apart more than two days from that first meeting for months), I'd have forever regretted it. I would have known I was letting something special slide away. (I'd been broken up with ex way before meeting DH. No overlap or cheating involved.)

Not saying that's going to happen to you. It might not. But you don't know, and tying yourself to one man who isn't fulfilling you in the ways you need automatically means you'll certainly never know if there's anyone else out there who ticks the boxes you need; sexually and as a long term companion.