Is anyone in a relationship with no sex but otherwise it’s all good?

You put it so well ! I so agree.

The other option is to leave, but have you seen the trashy alternatives out there?!

A few people, including the OP iirc, have mentioned the dearth of decent options out there for new relationships. Having come out the other side of a more or less sexless relationship, my experience is that it stops mattering once you make the decision to leave. I used to worry that I'd never have decent sex again if I left and then found I couldn't find a new relationship, but then realised that I'd probably never have decent sex again if I stayed either! The truth is that there's no loneliness like the loneliness you feel when you're in a failing relationship. Being on your own is far less painful ime.

I remember seeing a study that, on average, the male sex drive will remain relatively consistent, while the female drive usually drops after their 30s. This is MN, so invariably the blame will be placed on men, not doing enough housework is a favourite, but then it becomes conditional and as far from 'love' as I can see it being.

I'm there too. I need to suggest it, otherwise it doesn't happen. If it does, it's done with an air of "I have to do this to maintain the marriage." So obviously I don't push.

It's not the sex per se, it's the rejection. To all those people saying they made the choice and their husband just went along with it (what other choice did he have!), if every time you went to hug him he said no, that's how it feels. It's a tricky one because no-one should be made to do anything they don't want to do, but if the other is feeling rejected every day, that's absolutely soul destroying, and not a life they probably want to lead. In the end, people stay just for family harmony or loyalty rather than happiness.

The other option is to leave, but have you seen the trashy alternatives out there?!

I wasn't entertaining you. I was talking to another poster, who had made some good points, and in turn thought that I had also made some good points. I've never mentioned divorce or swans. So, you don't like my posts. There are some posts on MN that I don't like, but I don't feel moved to attack the posters.

Who said it was a waste of my time? (All 25 seconds of it.) The OP is hurting and you're entertaining us all with your extrapolations from the animal kingdom. If she's thinking "how the fuck does this help me?" it might help her to know that she's not the only one. Perhaps you also think divorce should be abolished because swans mate for life?

With any thread that has more than a handful of posts you get sidetracks and things can branch off from the original post by the OP. If you were to take out every post that wasn't directly relevant and helpful to the OP then there would be little left. In any case, if you have a lot of posts the OP isn't necessarily reading them all. Few people have time. The thread therefore has a life of its own. Since you clearly think such posts are unhelpful and a waste of space, why waste your time saying so?

Neither of us has a high sex drive. Literally, once a year, or even less. Neither of us are bothered. We are intimate in other ways - cuddles, kisses etc. We are best friends, tell each other everything, have really long, deep discussions. Sometimes we lie awake talking and we realise it's 4am and we've been talking for 5 hours! Sex isn't the be all and end all, BUT you have to be on the same page about it.

It's not the lack of sex that spoils a relationship, but the lack of agreement on how much you both want it.

There was one other that I forgot.

When the response from the other partner was subdued whilst in the act. In other words no instant feedback from their efforts. I once dated a japanese girl and their reaction to sex is to act shy and not respond to touch even though they may be enjoying it. They have a name for it in Japan. "tuna" she just lays there like a fish. No wonder the sexless marriage rate in Japan is 60%.

So lack of enthusiasm from one of the people.

IME

Showing affection but not indulging in sex within a relationship could be

1, manipulative
2, the one that is affectionate but not sexual is asexual or a version of asexuality
3, Sexuality has changed or been faked previously.
4, no libido because of something psychological but still needs connection. I.e. working long hours and no time or inclination to indulge or it's quicker to get a fix from watching porn. Or now that the family is formed, the dynamic is one of mother and father role and not sex partners.
5, no libido because of something physical (medical) hormone change, tiredness because of long hours or vitamin deficiency. Age.

There are probably others too

I can't say I think it's that helpful to OP to discuss the complexities of human sexuality in terms of the reproductive instincts of selected examples from the animal kingdom.

@lopyrs Now you mention it, I remember an article yrs ago. It stated that women were the only female mamals who permitted penetration other than at a fertile time. I think it's probably correct that we're more up for sex at ovulation but it's hard to know, since it's obscured by being bombarded with sex allthe time, making us feel as if we should always want it. I don't think we can ever separate the two enough to work out if there is actually more desire at that point in the monthly cycle. One thing that makes perfect sense is that women should experience desire only when in a committed relationship, since Nature wants stability for children. Personally I can't imagine having the slightest urge towards someone without a deep relationship first, but it's obvious many women are capable of desire without commitment, so that doesn't seem to make sense from a reproductive point of view.

Yup, currently in a relationship that has somehow lasted over a year with a woman, but we have had sex probably less time than there's months in a year.
Neither of us has children so it isn't a problem of being interrupted or being too worn out...

She's a fine person, and there's intimacy as far as kissing and cuddling goes but yes, it would be nice for some reciprocation; i've done things for her and then nothing back; It does make you feel like browsing and questioning whether the grass is greener.

ENM

Totally agee.

Plus, let's not forget that OP's husband isn't even willing to meet her half way with a negotiated sex life anyway. He wants to be allowed to "work up to it", which is not only cruel (you work your way up to making difficult phone calls or swallowing unpleasant tasting medicine) but is also a poorly camouflaged way of saying "leave me alone".

I stand by my previous point that when you've experienced naturally evolving, mutual sexual pleasure and know how it feels, as you describe, then when you find yourself in a relationship where sex seems to be a roadblock, it signals a problem in the relationship as a whole.

@Idontpostmuch interesting point and actually very true.

But I still stand by the fact that even your very valid point doesn't help self esteem and sexual connection when in a relationship.
When you don't have sexual issues yourself and are a red blooded sexual person who does have 'instinct', having to have academic discussions, analytical discussion, compromise and negotiation in order to have your spouse have sex with you just isn't a turn on and affects self esteem.

Sure they may just have low libido, ED, trauma, asexuality or a host of other things which isn't their fault at all. But being on the recieving end, when all you want is a normal sexual relationship with your partner is soul destroying.

When you've experienced meeting someone, fancying the pants off them, and them fancying you, and then the natural instinctive flow of things, without words spoken or discussion (one minute your talking, the next your kissing, then one thing leads to another) then it can be hard to suddenly not have that. No amount of talking, sexy lingerie, nakedness, date nights or flirty banter will ever end in naturally 'one thing leading to another'.

Rather than just getting into bed and naturally flowing into sex, nope, instead nothing happens. Or having to have a discussion beforehand and negotiate/compromise your way into having sex with your partner just isn't the same. It feels unnatural. You want them to instinctively want you and be enthusiastic. Not out of obligation, or for the sake of the relationship. Just pure natural desire. If that doesn't happen it's soul destroying no matter what the cause for the lack of sex is. When you do finally have sex, it's just not quite right, even though it may be really enjoyable, as in the back of your mind, you know the work that went into it. When you've experienced natural, flowing and mutually wanted sex before, you know the sex you've just had isn't quite the same.

@Idontpostmuch I read a book recently that talked about how women are only really programmed to want sex around ovulation, that's not to say women won't or don't want sex at other times (nor indeed that all women will always want it at ovulation), but it was saying it more to normalise the fact that it's quite alright to not want sex all the time, it's not really how we've been 'designed', but living in such a highly sexualised society/media, it can feel like everyone should be gagging for it all the time!

@PeakedInterest I'm not entirely convinced that sex is completely instinctive, at least not for everyone and not in the same way as animals. For dogs it's uncomplicated. Male comes across female in heat and breeds with her. If it was instinctive for humans, sex therapists would have no business. Like breastfeeding. Animals suckle their young no problem. Human mothers have to be shown what to do, and even then some women find it very difficult. Some of human sex is learned behaviour, gleaned from peer groups, media and sometimes pornographic material. What divides women who are enthusiastic about sex from those less bothered about it isn't any difference in instinct but factors like ability to climax, strength if climaxes etc. As for the role of hormones, most asexual people have completely normal hormone levels.

@SnowFrogJelly Isn't your remark a bit patronising? I'm sure @girlfriend44 knows when someone adores her. Sex doesn't necessarily equal adoration.

I'm 63 and wouldn't care if I never had sex again and am married - but that's different to being 30s or 40s I feel -

No it's not like that all.
He wants too but is unable due to a health issue coming on.

We do have sex not really intercourse though not his fault.

I think there are probably more couples in sexless relationships than people think. But surely for it to work, it has to work for both of you? I would have thought that where it works, it works when neither partner has much/any sex drive and neither partner feels rejected. That doesn't sound like the case in your marriage - it's really bothering you a lot, and to me, that doesn't sound sustainable.

If my DP, for some reason, physically couldn't ever have sex any more, I would be prepared to live in a sexless relationship (although I'd be absolutely gutted and feel very sad about it and I would miss sex so much, but I would still feel loved and not rejected). But if he just didn't want ever to have sex, I think I'd find that very difficult and I don't know if I could live with that.

This is exactly how I view it.

Wanting to shag your own wife is depraved!

I think Ive heard it all now lol

Yes, I am. I don't think DH has a massive sex drive, we met when he was mid-20s and he was a virgin, I wasn't but had only had full sex with one other person (I was 22 when we met). I also haven't got a massive sex drive either.

Our sex life was prettty good for the first year, then it was once a week at weekends which was fair enough, then we had kids so it went to pot a bit, but we prob did it once a month or so - but for the past 2-3 years, probably once or twice. Some of it is health related as I have a health issue and it def impacts my desire to do it, and I just cba and DH doesn't bother initiating (I was always the initator really). We have talked about it briefly, but not to a massive extent. I think we've accepted it now (we are in our 50s).

We still hold hands, cuddle, kiss on lips. It's not terrible (and better than my parents did at our age). The rest of our relationship is fine.

If I didn't have my medical issue I am sure we would be doing it more. I'm hopefully going on hrt soon so that might help.