Self absorbed mum

I think as you age, you gradually develop a “don’t care what others think” style attitude. So whilst most mums love their children, they start to base everything around themselves.

To be honest, this isn’t unique to mum or older people. I find a LOT of people like this generally. I’ve lost count of the number of acquaintances I’ve met who talk for ages and ask no questions - I don’t make an effort to turn this into friendship as I find it draining and depressing. I can take it for a 5 minute catch up but not a sustained relationship.

Hmm, I don't know. I'm not averse to blaming the patriarchy/men for anything and everything. But just within my own circles I can look around and see many women my mum's age-ish, including all my aunts, who've had similar lives yet are completely different from her in this respect. They are open minded, engaging, fun to talk to.

This isn't necessarily narcissism - being emotionally immature is a proper psychological state to be in - see that book I refer to, it's written by a clinical psychologist, fully referenced to research. It's not theory of mind either, its stunted emotional maturity. It's like talking to a 10 year old with my mum.

A situation happened last year where someone known to us shared a vulnerable situation that happened in her past where she had a tricky decision, and my mum just chose to judge her morals and could not empathise with her situation at all. It was so sad for me and really made me reflect that my mum's never been good with handling any emotion - we just glaze over any heightened emotion and just focus on the practicalities, not how we feel. Given there has been historical trauma in my family, it made me realise she ignored this and ignored the effect it had on us, just going into physical support mode because she didn't understand feelings enough. I do think this has shaped me into adult life.

An interesting thing I read said that only when you feel totally independent to your parents can you objectively see them for what they are. Earlier, you have to leave your parents on a pedestal, thinking that they're your best hope at security and safety. Once you have your own safety you rethink - they weren't great at being parents, and then the grief comes that you're sad for what wasn't there all along- emotional support and availability, and honesty.

I wonder if what we're describing is the effects of Patriarchy? My mum had so much internalised misogyny and my dad mostly just resented his kids' existence. I wonder if women of that generation (I guess we're talking 1-2 generations back) learned to self-censor and essentially stop engaging in critical thinking in order to get along with men?

No it isn't.. that word is so over used. Unless you know this woman which you don't don't say stuff like that. Its not helpful.

Yes definitely this - my mum was getting worse and worse with her “transmit” mode - constantly interrupting and not listening to me (or anyone else). It drives me mad.

But recently she went for a hearing test and discovered she’s profoundly deaf in one ear - so I’m now able to view the situation with more compassion. Still bloody annoying though!!

Yep, my mum does it too and she has been like this forever - so not necessarily an age thing. She is not just self-absorbed, there is also an element there that whatever anyone else does is more interesting than what I do. Or what my family does. So she is completely obsessed with her neighbours' coming and going, but has no clue about ours. Neighbour's kid has a cold? I will hear about it. It is painful and the way she now interacts with my kids brings back bad memories. She does the same as a previous poster mentioned: My kids (ages 6-15) will mention something and within one minute the topic is back to the neighbour's kid (who we've never even met). The incredibly stupid thing is that I then get to hear in phone calls (after her visit) how she feels my kids aren't connecting with her and 'don't love grandma anymore'. Yes, obviously they don't!
For more than a year now she's been commenting that she doesn't know what job I do. Indeed, she has no clue as every time I start to explain within seconds I'm interrupted and the topic is back on a neighbour. It is incredibly frustrating.

My mum is like this. A few weeks ago I was explaining how I’m being referred for ovarian cancer concerns and her reply was

“oh it’ll be fine you come from a long line of family members who have cysts. Including your uncle, your dad, me…… they thought I had breast cancer you know”

I just needed a hug.

I can’t say anything about medical things without it being turned into a competition or an interrogation (I know she googles things afterwards!)

No I won’t. You are describing your experience and yours alone. The irony of your post.

Personality! Or a lot going on for her? My daughter is like this I'm not lol

Another point: I have told my children that if I get like my mother, blathering on about fuck all and dominating all conversations, they are to tell me. I hope they will. And no, I do not miss my mother since she died. She didn't mean any harm but she was unable to support and guide me as I grew up and I had to do it all for myself (pretty unsuccessfully for years)

My mother to an absolute tee! What is it with these women? Is it the way society was in those days that has produced all these superficial self absorbed women? My mother wouldn't know how to have a meaningful conversation with anyone, but she is not daft and she is fairly well educated. I never understood it.

Well I lost my mum many years ago and I loved her dearly but there are some things about her I don't miss and wouldn't want to live through them again thanks

Yes. Unless the conversation is already about her, she'll either find a way to make it about her, randomly change the subject to something she's interested in or just not listen.

I'm realising this more and more now than I'm grown up and a Mother myself how much it's affected me to never be truly heard. To a large extent I just 'grey rock' her now. I don't have time for it.

My mil was like this whenever we told her what one of my dcs had done or was doing, her stock response was to compare it with what another of her dgc had done. Only after talking to my sils and bils I found out that she did the same to them, everything they spoke to her about she’d turn it to our dcs. Almost setting us up in competition with each other. Very odd behaviour.

Wow

I’m not sure if it’s an age/ hearing thing, or have they always been like this?

My mum spends a lot of time alone with nobody to talk to about personal things (well actually that’s unfair, she works has girlfriends, but they would meet maybe once a week so still alone a lot). So I think when she gets my time she will just offload all the things she wouldn’t tell other people.

When she used to meet people in my life and they would ask her questions or say something, she wouldn’t really respond and just carry on. Later on I challenged her on it and she actually said she couldn’t hear/ understand (accents etc, and hearing loss), and she genuinely had no clue what the other had said. So her response to not make it awkward is to just carry on.

I don’t think she’s self-absorbed but she sees it as a monologue. Mostly her monologue but she might accept someone else’s monologue as well without engaging much.

I do wonder if she’s always been like this.

I also think old people develop an attitude that they know better and are wiser as they’ve seen it all, therefore what they say is more important.

I do slightly worry I’m becoming like her to be fair! I used to be a quiet young girl that everyone said was a good listener. Various bfs etc have me open up a lot though and now I feel like I dominate conversations sometimes.

This is a fabulous book. Realised I was „blessed“ with parents who were both horrifically emotionally immature lucky me.

Yes that is familiar, my mum coaches a sport and she has far more interest in those children than her only grandchild who she sees very infrequently and who doesn’t do that sport .

I think in my mothers case it’s an astounding lack of emotional intelligence.

There's always one 🙄

I feel so seen! My mum will show empathy by talking about herself or her friends. I recently told her about a difficult diagnosis I’ve had and her response was to talk about herself friend who has the same and how awful it was for them. My mum never asks me about my life and I dread calling her as she just talks at me. I may as well be a brick wall. My therapist knows a lot about autism and has suggested my mum is autistic. When someone can’t really show empathy they talk about themselves in that situation thinking that is empathy. She’s also really bad at social cues. Will talk for ages to a waiter who is obviously very busy. Her dentist asks how the family are and she will spend half an hour telling him long stories about the family when he hardly knows us and is pronto a tight schedule.

my mum is just very self obsessed and very judgmental of others as if someone doesn’t do something her way they are wrong. No empathy at all. This had a very negative impact on me growing up as it look me years of therapy to trust others and form close relationships and I still struggle with opening up and self esteem. It’s highly damaging and I have to limit my time around her as it makes me so angry. Even thrum sure it’s not her fault.

Not a relative but someone I’m very close to. It’s the same, if he can’t make a subject of conversation about him you can visibly see him withdraw. He rarely asks about me or my family, and on the rare occasions he does he will either make my answer about him and his experiences or tell me that he told me that would happen - even if that’s not true.

I’ve just come to accept that I’m not going to change him and in every other aspect of life he’s a decent guy and would do anything for anyone, so I bite my tongue and ignore it.

One of the reasons that she might tell these stories about people you don't know is something called Poor Theory of Mind.
No perspective regarding the emotions, context, thoughts or intentions of others being different from their own.
They only see things from their perspective .
In effect they have no idea or concept that you don't know the plumbers cats wife !

Once I realised this thanks to my therapist it became much easier to manage.
It's not deliberate, they absolutely cannot help it and so I would nod along and add in the odd " really" and crucially not expect any empathy or understanding for myself.
I emotionally stepped back and it was very helpful in managing that relationship.
No expectations just accepting that this is who they are.

My dad is like this. He's a lovely man but is genuinely uninterested in anything other than himself, his ailments and what he's doing. He doesn't even bother to hide it really.