Inlaws giving me the ick over EVERYTHING

Gawwwd. Sounds so annoying! I don't have any advice but I love the one above about putting your coat on to answer the door. My father-in-law used to come round and criticise everything. Why have you got that picture? Your oven looks like something out of the ark. Why have you got your washing machine there? Why haven't you got any kitchen roll? Why have you got so may key rings on that bunch of keys? Why have you got so much food in the fridge? And then would stand in the kitchen when I was cooking and state the bleeding obvious. Your potatoes are boiling! Quick! You've got washing on the line....you should go out there and take it in. ARGGGGGHHHH. He once insisted on trying to fix our broken toilet even though I had someone booked in to do it. He couldn't mend it and kept asking me for rubber gloves. Mine had a hole in and I said if you want rubber gloves I'm going to have to go to the shop and buy some more. He asked me at least three more times if I had a spare pair and if not, why not. In the end I went out "to buy gloves" and didn't go back home until I knew he had gone, hours later. Drove me bonkers.

In short, I feel your pain greatly! I hope that there is some way you can limit your presence in your in-laws' company as it sounds as if it is really draining.

No wish to derail the thread, but intrigued by the "safe" task that led to her pulling off the gutter😂

I agree. All this rubbish about bingo cards laughing at it later don’t address the problem. You’re not a child, you’re a grown adult with a family of your own. You have a right to expect a level of civility and respect in your own home. I’d drop the nicey nicey DIL act and start to be more assertive adult woman (calm and measured like the examples in the post above).

You have the moral high ground - and if she can dish it out, she should be able to take it.

I recall my late MIL saying she would 'clean your windows', to be honest, they needed it. I feigned confusion and said to her, in front of her son 'I'm not sure which are my windows and which are 'son's' windows', I suggested she did the front then he could do 'his windows' at the back later. she never said it again, about anything!

Depends what you mean by they aren't perfect?

I've found listening to Mel Robbins audio book Let Them has been really helpful. It's a big old dise if what you already know but it's help me to feel much less irritated with people.

My MIL was very oppressive and used to sweep past me and start tidying and cleaning up with angry looks. Slamming around like it was her job.

Lots of digs and patronising comments and eventually we had a big row. Stop her now before real anger starts

Oh, it’s lovely, but we always did it this way.

I think id be tempted to just reply with a 'did you?' then leave it there.

I would privacy ask if her mother in law used to say things like that to her as well!

I don't blame you for being pissed off-I think I'd be tempted to remove myself from the situation-let them talk to DH whilst he cooks. Stay in the lounge and hog the good wine!

I feel your pain. My mil used to be exactly the same. Only - before the criticism she used to start it off with ‘you stupid girl…’
eg ‘you stupid girl, you don’t boil peas, you put them in the microwave, and then proceeded to drain the peas (mid boil) to then put them in the microwave to make a point. It was so exhausting after years I just ‘checked out’ and let her get on with it to keep the peace. My DH however wasn’t as laid back. She cut the baby’s hair once when looking after her. A very short fringe, not even straight. DH went ballistic at her. If she even attempted anything like that again she wouldn’t be seeing her granddaughter …. She wasn’t even a bloody hairdresser!!

The cooking thing would annoy me and I’d say ‘that’s lovely but I prefer to do it this way as that’s the way I’ve alrwaya
done it and that’s the way we like it’ repeat until the message sinks in ‘I believe I already told you this is the way we prefer to do it’

Wine wise, unless they knew and did it deliberately then it’s annoying but put your special bottles where they can’t be found.

I have the opposite problem with my in laws and cupboards. They empty the dishwasher whilst we’re at work and then leave it on the worktop saying ‘we didn’t know where it went’ I mean they can find a plate/cup/pan to make it dirty but apparently can’t figure out which cupboard it goes back in once it’s clean 🤦🏼‍♀️

I see so many threads about difficult in-laws, mainly mil's. I wonder, are all you dil's perfect? I know mine aren't - or is that my fault?

Why are they staying over when they have a perfectly good bed 45 minutes away?

You need to play "In Law Bingo" you can okay this with shots or chocolate depending how things are going. Everytime they do that one thing you know they'd do you go ahhh 5 points to me!

Can you give them a wide berth for a while?

Next time husband wants to visit them, feign illness

I actually have a sign over the entrance to my kitchen which says “restricted section, do not enter”

Mine said 'Staff only'!

A fair point but as well as people treating you how you allow them to, there is also the fact that you cannot control other people. If that second point means someone is frequently violating your boundaries against your wishes and clearly has no wish to stop, there could come a point where the only way to stop them is to kick them out of your life. That is where complications can occur within a family, it is not always simple to just cut contact because of consequences which may end up being worse for you (for example).

Why would you feel guilty over something you were not responsible for? Death is something that is going to happen to all of us at some time, some will be more tragic than others. It doesn't mean you can't have boundaries or have to suck up to people all the time.

It is reasonable advice although rather more blunt that I would have phrased it.

It is a fair point, people treat you how you allow them to treat you. In this case we seem to have a textbook example of a control freak, and whatever the psychological reason for that, if it is causing distress, boundaries need to be laid down and enforced. I don't care how old they are. There comes a point in your life when you realise you are free and independent and don't have to put up with bullshit from other people.

I'm sorry for your loss.

But to feel guilty is ridiculous.

We are all going to die one day. It doesn't mean we can't be annoyed or annoying.

We used to have my in-laws around every week at least once. I used to get annoyed. Then they both died really suddenly within 6 months of each other. It was horrendous and I feel guilty now that I ever got snippy or moaned to dh.

@NavyTurtle who hurt you. Why so angry?

Family dynamics are much more complicated than "stand up for yourself" but great if that works for you.

Another post on mumsnet of people not standing up for themselves and wanting validation. People only get away with what you allow them to. Ffs. Grow a pair.

Develop a good 'mmm' which is neither agreeing nor disagreeing with the comments and fault picking. Hide the good wine and drink it as they drive away....😁

Totally agree with @Daleksatemyshed

At the moment your ILs are cultivating an adult-child relationship with you - so giving you tips about how to do things, supervising you in the kitchen.

Your DH either doesn't mind, or has learnt to ignore it and just do his own thing.

You are being very nice and gritting your teeth in the interests of harmony. But this is leading you to the edge of an explosion and never seeing them again.

The way forward is to adult back to them, making it clear they are the guests.

Thanks MIL, but I store those things in that cupboard, could you move them back?

MIL I notice you have an issue with the toys. Could you tell me what it is instead of tutting?

MIL could you stop rewashing the bottles please? I can't possibly have a guest in my house clean bottles.

Oh that's so interesting that you cook it that way? I love the way every family has it's own recipe.

FIL did you drink DH's wine? We were saving that for his birthday, can you ask for before opening a bottle next time?

It won't stay this intense forever but it is painful (but worth it) while you reset the relationship.

In my experience parents like this ( not just inlaws) don't want to admit their children are now adults and can run their own lives. It's usually parents who centred their lives around their DC and struggle with empty nest feelings, their DC are adults and don't need their day to day input but the parents can't accept that, they still see them as children who need guidance.
Unfortunately Op I don't know how you get them to see you're proper grown ups and they should be out having their own lives away from yours

Yeah, I don't understand first few comments at all.

I would get a divorce. I'm assuming husband is aware of situation.
If house is on joint name, forbade them to come to house. In-laws or not, I'm assuming this isn't theirs house?
If house is on husband name or your in-laws bought the house, maybe you should talk to lawyer or solicitor, but I couldn't imagine not divorcing husband in this case.