Is it me that's the problem?

Sounds to me like the issue is that you really aren't on the same page you parent very differently from each other, and when you disagree with your husband's parenting decisions you correct him or go against what he's said, in front of your children. You should both have equal say, and if your husband has handled something then your daughter running to you the second you walk in to complain about his decisions is disrespectful to him, he is her parent too.
I don't really agree with his methods of yelling and taking away pocket money and he sounds like he's quick to punish, and I think we need to respect children as people to have their respect in return, but equally he obviously doesn't feel respected as an equal parent if they go around him and complain about him to you and you take their side rather than backing your husband.
I think you and your husband need to sit down without the children and try and figure out how to be on the same page and be a team, think about what boundaries are acceptable for BOTH of you and try and support him as a parent.

It's both of you. You are the opposite of each other and it makes it really stressful for everyone involved. He shouldn't be yelling or threatening to take away pocket money, but you do sound like you need to take a step back even though you are being so loving, you need to let them work some things out for themselves and be a bit more independent.

It also sounds like the disagreement between you two is fueling his frustration a bit and making his responses to the children worse- he wouldn't have yelled at your youngest if you hadn't argued on and on with him that he needed to get them to eat their breakfast and like him I wouldn't have forced it like you wanted him to.

Sounds like it was just a stressful morning so hopefully it's just a one off and not a common experience but it's probably better to talk about it when you can have a calm sit down and make a plan so that everyone knows their role for when times are busy and then you won't get annoyed at each other.

Make sure all lunches and bags are sorted the night before. (Make up lunches while dinner is cooking or do a big batch of sandwiches at the weekend and stick in the freezer).

Ensure you have a few cartons of juice, cereal bars, bananas that the kids can take with them if there isn't time for breakfast.

Maybe come to agreement with your DH that one of you does uniforms, the other lunches?)

@Bristolinfeb no worries, thought so. it looks like a good bit of guidance though. The more independent they can be the better! X

Sorry I thought I was tagging the OP!

@Bristolinfeb maybe more for OP's benefit than mine but it does look useful. Thanks.

@BobbyBiscuits You may find this useful. It’a from a well respected book.

He sounds awful in the mornings? Is he like that during the day and night time also?
If that's the case I'd strongly consider saying sayonara.

But if it's just this one issue, I guess you could make a checklist for each day and each task, then divide up the things between you the night before?

Like tomorrow I'll do bill and jay's breakfasts, you do Lucy's hair and teeth etc.

The children need to pull their own weight as well. The teen shouldn't need anything off either of you. They can make a cup of tea and toast? And if someone loses their book then it's them that should be finding it.

What you need is for him to be in charge of it while you go to work or the gym etc a couple of days a week at least.

I don't agree with your DH shouting but I sympathise with him saying he doesn't know how to help you. I wouldn't know how to help you either because your set-up is so chaotic it would drive me mad.

Your DC should be sorting their own things out ready for school the night before. What on earth is going on that homework is being done at breakfast?

I'm sure you're a lovely, caring Mum but you aren't doing your DC any favours by being disorganised and letting them start each day in chaos. You need a structure, routine and far more independence from the DC.

This, everything is very reactionary and last minute and a routine where everyone has specific assigned tasks and responsibilities will fix it.

You need a better plan for the mornings a this sounds very chaotic. How old are your children? It sounds like they have been babied. It’s parents job to provide food but if children don’t want to eat it then that’s their choice.

Can you sort pack lunches the night before, at least in part or move to school dinners?

Children over 8 should be managing their own teeth and hair. If they can’t they need to be learning and you need to help them put strategies in place to help them stay organised. My 8 yr old ND and needs a checklist of her upstairs and downstairs job. Hmk needs to be put back inside hmk fold in their bags as soon as it’s complete. I would also expect them to be making a simple breakfast (although eat as a family) and put their own water bottles, snacks and lunch boxes in their bags - the last it my nursery aged child managed.

You and DH need to sit down and work out and morning time table and present it to the children together.

Your DH shouldn't be kicking off, shouting and swearing, but equally I think you probably fuss way too much about stuff and it's this that's annoying your DH rather than it being him just not wanting to do his fair share.

A teenager can either find her own French booklet or deal with the consequences at school, for example, and if I was your DH I wouldn't have taken kindly to being told to go and help her find it either. I also wouldn't have coaxed your other child down and given her a banana after she'd kicked off and refused breakfast, and I don't think your DH was being especially unreasonable not to want to do that.

I can see why you want more help but I also think your DH probably resents being ordered to parent the kids the way you think they should be parented and then being undermined when he does it his way.

I don't think this is about him resenting pulling his weight. I think it's about him resenting you asking him to do things that don't (in his eyes) actually need doing in the first place. It doesn't sound as if you're prepared to accept that there might be other acceptable ways of handling situations than the one you've decided is appropriate.

Sounds like you're soft as fuck and your husband is tired of it.

Kid doesn't eat breakfast? So what, she'll learn when she's hungry before lunch to eat tomorrow, or keep a bowl of fruit by the door and she can pick up a banana on her way out. Why did she need following round the house to make sure she ate?

Teen can't find her French book? Presumably she's at least a term and a bit into secondary school, maybe I would help if it was the first time - but in the main, these are YOUR books, and you need to know where they are, not me.

Get kids to do their bags before bed. Literally last thing. Husband can do packed lunches, pref again before bed as breakfast time seems to be exhausting. The whole thing seems to be a battle when it really doesn't need to be.

You need a better routine.
You need to decide who does what in the mornings and the night before - including kids and both parents.

Sounds like a alot of drama and running around like headless chickens!

I agree that keeping everything calm in the morning is key. Your DH is clearly a stressy shouter.

Since he ‘doesn’t know what to do’ try giving him a defined role like making all the packed lunches the night before and ensuring kits etc are prepped for younger children.

It just sounds like a very stressful morning all round.

Nice calm family conversation, maybe at dinner, about how can everyone make mornings work better.

Getting stuff together the night before,

Always putting things back in the right place etcetera

How old is the younger child who didn't want to eat? Anything about 6 then actually you can't make a child eat, and they will just be hungry. What exactly did you expect him.to do?

It isn't you but....
Men in my experience so need to have it spelled out.

Do breakfast is too vague ..

Give the kids cornflakes is clear

You are doing too much in the morning. Homework etc should be sorted the night before so the mornings are less frenzied and your children should be doing that not yon. I'd they are missing something they will get into trouble at school and next time remember.

This. It’s your job as the woman don’t you know.

Is the daughter who wasn't eating breakfast the 12 year old? If so you are unreasonable, a 12 year old should not need help eating breakfast.

Teens should be getting their own breakfast - if they don't want it thats on them, leave them to it.

from about 9yr old my kids done their own school bag the night before. They knew what they needed to do. Yeah sometimes they said what about thisor that in the morning but it wasn't a big deal.

my kids got their own packed lunch bags ready. I made up their sandwich or wraps the night before so all they had to do was take them from the fridge but they got everything else for their lunch themselves. They know where the food is and what they normally get.

Kids were up at least an 1.25hrs before leaving for school so no one was rushing.