DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

I'm sorry, but I can't see where he was neglected. Your children have had a privileged upbringing. It may seem normal to most on here, but to me the fact that they grew up in a 5-bedroom house and each had their own bedroom, regardless of the size, is massive. They all had piano lessons, played expensive sports if they wanted, each had as many toys as they desired and, on the whole had parents who could attend their nativity plays and ferry them from piano lessons etc. It sounds as though they were also supported in their academic endeavours. Material comfort isn't everything, but it goes a long way to feeling secure, supported and cared for, which is what all your children were.

I want to cry when I think of my own childhood in comparison. I never had my own bedroom. I had hardly any toys and had to help my mum out as much as I could, which meant that I had to help with picking up my younger sibling from school. I ironed all my own clothes for school, helped my mother out with housework, washing etc. My single mother was always busy working minimum wage jobs to make ends meet and even going to Parent-teacher evenings was a struggle for her, let alone to any performances or sports. I did well academically going to on to gain a PhD and a fairly good career.

As for the business with the ex, it sounds messy but not your fault that DD sided with his ex who sounds like a best friend of hers.

As your son has adopted this ungracious attitude I don't think there is anything that you can do because pointing out these privileges isn't going to make a blind bit of difference. People here saying that neglect is relative are, to my mind, misguided. Neglect is neglect and your son was not neglected. It would be great if, while on his travels, he volunteered to work with kids who don't have anywhere near the care that he received. I'm sure it would give him food for thought.

Perhaps in the future if he gets to have three children of his own it will be brought home to him how difficult it is to juggle and how well you actually did.

You need to shut that down today. Tell her you are not interested in hearing her opinion on a girl none of you know but which her brother clearly likes. If she persists, leave the room.

Does she even care how upset you are that your son wants to go no contact with you and his dad?

That's good.

Are you going to tell him ex will not be welcome in the family home for the foreseeable?

@alizea What do you really want from all this? If you want to be ‘right’, then carry on. If you want it to be your son, then you have to recognise that he, on some level, does not feel loved and supported by you.

There is a tiny window of time here when you can do something. It might be a significant conversation. It might be visiting him where he lives. It might be arranging something that is emotionally significant for you both. It might be some other gesture. But you need to be the one to take an emotional risk in doing so for it to have any meaning.

You need to pull yourself out of your usual ‘the kids are alright and we did the best we could’ mentality and seriously consider what you can do to connect with him. Otherwise, before you know it, he will be back from his travels, settling down, prioritising his own partner and letting the family relationship lapse. At that point you will try to connect or reach out to him, but he just won’t be that bothered. You will find that the door will be closed.

Trust me, I know: one of my parents treated me very badly in my teens in several different ways, outright rejected me as a young adult (in writing!) and now seems surprised that I am not more keen to go and visit them in their old age, hundreds of miles away. There are things that they could have done differently at the time, but now it is way too late. I do visit occasionally, but it is more out of duty than from any emotional pull.

Sorry OP but I can understand your son feeling that his family don’t care about him. I thought he was being a brat until I read your updates.
He has a traumatic (to him) breakup with his girlfriend and his family still welcome this girl into his home. He may not live there now but it’s still his harbour. Okay so his sister blames him for the breakup but it’s nothing to do with her. She could just as easily have met the friend at the friend’s house or gone out for a coffee, but instead his parents take sides with her by allowing her into their house instead of saying, let’s put a little distance between us so that son can see we are supporting him. So, yes I do think you have let him down.

This sounds like exactly the right tone to me. Hope it lands well.

I really feel for your son. Breakups can be horrific, and this one sounds really conflict-filled. On top of losing someone he loved, it will have been a big shift in his day to day life, his future plans, possibly his friendship group too. The one place that he should have been able to get unconditional safety and support, his family home, had his ex in and out of it, dripping accusations about him into his sister's ear, accusations which his mum accepted as equally valid to what he was telling her.

That feels like a big betrayal to me. I really hope you can listen and reflect on how it felt from his side, and in time rebuild the relationship. It's a really good sign that he's telling you this - it means that, though angry and needing space, he still values his relationship with you.

He is an adult. This is so controlling. He obviously decided he doesn't want you near her. Accept it.

He may think you wouldn't be interested in getting to know her because you're still so enmeshed with his ex. Let's face it, any new girlfriend he brings home is going to be problematic with his sister hating on him and the ex still popping round every five mins.

Let him enjoy his life. Life only comes around once. Be supportive of him. He is financially prepared, and sounds sensible. He's got plenty of time to settle down when he's older. I wish I'd done something like this, but I didn't. You'll only push him away.

Let him go and grow up. Respect his wishes and when he realises that he is a privileged tW@* he will be back and hopefully realising all you have done for him. Honestly, this generation growing up I really fear for their resilience and entitled behaviour. I hold on to the hope that Snowflakes will not prosper in life. How has been able to get to this point in life, going to Uni in the first place is a privilege not a right and he might get to visit those countries that demonstrate exactly that. Sorry this has got me riled for you OP. My DS is 19 and ill be more prepared now for this attitude and self absorbed claptrap!

I'm really sorry - this is going to sound harsh - but you've burnt your bridges on that front. It really isn't surprising that he doesn't want you to meet her, or know anything about her, seeing as you're still in cahoots with his ex, who shagged around and broke his heart.

Didn't you post about this last week?

Wow, did you really not go back? I'm not saying what they did was right but trawling through toys and giving some away, to charity etc, is something I suspect most parents do.

You say they didn't acknowledge/apologise but, seeing it from their point of view, if they were doing a bit of a clear out as you'd left home (for uni or whatever) they probably didn't think this was anything wrong. So when you then stop visiting, they probably thought you were in the wrong possibly?

Why didn't you say you were upset about the toys? I don't understand why people wouldn't bring these things up at the time.

I was very open with my parents and my kids are with us now - they complain etc and we realise that sometimes there is a grey area but we do discuss it!

First of all thank you for being open and honest with us about how you feel, that means a lot to us and I'm glad you feel able to do so. Both dad and I want to unequivocally apologise for the handling of the break up. We did not consider your feelings as we should have and we are sorry for how hurtful that must have been .... I'll add more but haven't thought it all out yet.

I think that's a fantastic start - brought a tear to my eye!

I had a similar thing...left home at 17 and lots of my treasured items thrown out.

Have you ever read 'the missing reasons' about estranged parent child relationships?

You aren't in that situation of course, but I do think it might be helpful to read the piece and reflect on it.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

There is one line in it that I think applies well in this context

"Saying, "I don't understand the problem" when you really mean, "I don't agree this is a problem" will not make the problem go away. It will make the person who DOES think it a problem go away."

Your son is giving you the gift of telling you he is hurt and telling you how to fix it, don't let your own ego get in the way of that.

DD1 often jokes she's the favourite.

Is this the middle child, the one 2 years younger than your DS, with the ex/BF?

If so, then I think you need to be focusing on the behaviour of this DD to be honest. My DH’s sister says “she’s the favourite”. It’s not funny.

I’d actually be mortified if my parent favoured me over my brothers I’d tell them to stop and I certainly wouldn’t be joking about it. It’s immature, it’s selfish and it’s divisive.

I think you have a DD23 issue more than anything else. Isn’t it time she moved out and took her soap opera with her?

Yes. They chucked all my stuff out completely. I had no idea they were doing any of this.

Yes that's mean I agree. I'm a sentimentalist myself so toys etc are all stored in the garage for future generations. I do get that things that were rubbish to me though may have meant something to him however he seemed pleased with his new room when he came home and didn't mention anything was missing.

Id never want my dc's to feel they weren't welcome at home and I'm sorry that happened to you.

Oh my goodness...this makes things infinitely clearer.

My son split up from his first long term relationship, and he definitely needed the emotional support of me at the time.

That must have been incredibly hard to have had his mother and sister and the ex all taking her side, and him being out in the cold.

He would have felt like no one had his back at all in that relationship, when this girl has been unfaithful and shagging around, you still favoured her over him?

Imagine how you would feel, @alizea if your husband was to have been unfaithful , and everyone took his side as they ''liked him''.

It does sound like the daughters are favoured, the more that you say I feel that he actually does have a reason to feel pushed out emotionally.