DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

This struck me too. The sister shouldn't have been feeding the ex's side (hopefully not in front of your son too). It's not relevant. The only thing that matters is, regardless of the circumstances, your son went through a painful break up and needed support. Not neutrality.

I agree with Jand and thus re-writing of childhoods crap is all the rage. Hopefully he'll see sense sooner rather than later.

I don't think we sided with anyone

Ouch, I bet that hurt. Why wouldn't you side with your son? Parents are allowed to be a bit partial, you know and it was his girlfriend, not his wife of 5 years.

He may have had an awful childhood, or he may have been watching too many tictok armchair psychologists. But he has asked for space, so give it to him. He sounds a bit of a young 25, but he is old enough go and travel. It might help him to grow up. It is possible he is being scammed by this girl, or get into trouble along the way, hopefully the life lesson he gets isn’t too traumatic. Just tell him you love him and will always be there if he needs you.
It does sound a little strange the way he is carrying on, but this is his life.

The drama is the big announcement isn't it. But maybe it's social media it's the problem because this generation can't escape from their life like we could.

At 19 I went interrailing round Europe with a couple of friends from Uni. It was 1990 and the wall had just come down a few months before and we were going to countries that until fairly recently had been very difficult to travel to. My parents heard nothing from me except postcards for a month. Two of my siblings went to Australia for a year in the 90s and again, letters and postcards were the only form of contact.

In 2000 my SIL went to Asia to do VSO. Again, her parents heard very little from her except regular letters and the odd (expensive) phonecall. She was suppose to stay for 2 years, she met someone and still lives there now.

Both myself and SIL grew up in loving families but it was completely normal 20-30 years ago to be able to travel and be out of contact from your parents for a long time. Tell him you love him and hope he has a great adventure and you look forward to hearing about it. Tell him to update instagram at least once a week so you know he's OK. And carry on with your own life while he grows up a bit.

What do his sisters say about his/their childhood and the current proposed plan?

This sums up everything perfectly 👏 (sex tourist bit excepted, solo travel to Thailand doesn't have to mean that!)

OP I'm sorry he's causing you such heartbreak.

God I was 22 when I got married and had my daughter at 25. Your son is an adult and can look after himself or should be able to. Leave him to do what ever. At least he told you and not just skipped off without a word.

yes I think someone is telling him he had bad parents. Maybe this girl wants to travel

You should be honest with yourself about his childhood. Although I do think some young adults over analyse and turn a good childhood into a bad one, there are also parents like mine that didn’t provide a good childhood, rewrite history and won’t address it. We don’t know which this falls under as we don’t know you and you have no posting history here.

If he has had a good childhood, you’re close etc, then I’d be concerned, but I don’t think there is much you can do. I would try to discuss what he has said about his childhood and you being unsupportive, and then let him do his thing. Give him space. If the childhood stuff and you being unsupportive is a load of nonsense, he’ll either realise that or he won’t. If it’s false and he wants to continue to think of himself as a victim, you’re probably better having a break from each other anyway.

My son is a similar age and if he said this stuff, it would be bollocks and I’d be pretty annoyed and probably welcome the break from him.

Only you know if there’s any truth to what your son says though.

Does he have enough money to cover all possible emergencies? What if he is robbed or scammed?

Has he read his travel insurance policy and is aware of any clauses that will stop a claim? For example, will he get medical cover if he had been drinking prior to the accident or health problem? I noticed that exclusion on a policy a while ago.

I doubt you would want to do this, but I’d be inclined to ask him who is expecting to bail him out if he needs help while he is travelling. Surely he wouldn’t have the gall to ask you. But I think he probably would.

I would also want to know why it’s taken until age 25 to realise what awful parents you were, apparently. Is he a bit dim?

Before other posters jump in to tell me that if he says his parents were inadequate (or worse) then that must be true, don’t waste your time. Yes, it might be true but many adult children take this stance for flimsy reasons, sometimes just because their parents hadn’t been all they’d have liked them to be. They’d been good parents but not good enough. Often said before they’ve had any personal experience of parenting and been rated by their own children.

Ahh...

Yeah you've done such a cracking job he feels so very secure with the safety net you've provided all his life that he can pick out the tiny bits that, with the benefit of the hindsight you never had, he can find fault with from his childhood...

And say 'screw you I am fucking off around the world and it is too difficult to have to consider your feelings whilst I do this, so I won't bother' ...

Safe in the knowledge that if it all goes tits up, you'll help him, because you love him, ever so.

'Off you pop dear, have a lovely time and I hope you learn more about the world and being a grown up living in it. Hopefully you'll know where to find us when you return to planet normal-person...'

And then seriously contemplate moving house to somewhere delightfully impractical without a spare room for him when he returns.

Im not saying kids should be raised like some of us were, safe in the knowledge that we ever dare question a single thing, we'd be told (in so many words or not) to fuck off and not come back...

But a middle ground would be nice, the current system seems to protect children from the concept that their parents are actual people with actual feelings for far too long and you get this 'I can be incredibly hurtful to these people because they love me and won't tell me when/if I am being a monumentally massive prick' situation.

I agree too that you’ll need to let him go calmly but I can imagine how much this hurts. While he’s criticising your parenting, he doesn’t seem too concerned about being a ‘good’ son. It is tempting to clarify with him whether there’s any circumstances under which he would want you to contact him, severe illness, for example.

"Sure son, but if I become concerned for your whereabouts and how you are, I'll be contacting someone." He should at least let someone know he is okay weekly, at least. It's important so someone can raise the alarm if needed.

I'd let him have his wish with full consequences. He won't know what's going on at home either, you won't be sending money, etc.

Someone may have got in his ear but I'd at least hear what he has to say, even if you disagree. I know my own mother won't hear anything I have to say if it challenges the narrative she wants to hold in her head. It's all part of a larger picture of dismissing my feelings and invalidating them, which is actually the issue I have anyway.

Sounds like he's having a hard time, could you just go back to him in a gentle negotiation and say you're happy to give him space but can he check in x times even just with an OK so you know he's safe.

I'm not sure what you can do other than to give him space really.

I AM surprised with the replies here. Plenty of people have mental health problems or strained family relationships, it doesn't make him a brat for seeing his childhood as a bit shit. Emotional neglect is a real thing - did he have a point op?

He sounds like a self absorbed twit, and at 25 very immature.

I don't think there is much you can do but respect his wishes OP and get on with enjoying your own life.

When my 2 dc were teens and older my response to ‘it’s not fair’ was
‘life isn’t fair and being an adult is tough and the sooner you realise that the better you’ll cope.’
I also told dd when she criticised my parenting that I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time.

Your ds will grow up and out of this attitude. I honestly think most dc can be tricky in their 20’s.
It’s hard but be breezy.
Wish him a great trip and tell him that you hope he gets what he’s looking for during his time away.
Remind him to get good travel insurance.
And live your own life.
In fact do fab things too and put them on Instagram.

He's a fully fledged adult who is going to have to make his own mistakes. Plenty of people travel and at a much younger age. This is his last chance really - if he doesn't do it now, he probably never will. Mundane life, relationships and children etc get in the way.

Yes he is behaving like a bit of a brat, but if he truly had a good childhood, he'll get over it.

If he doesn't want to talk to you whilst he's away, there's not much you can do about that. The more you smother and ask questions, the more likely he is to pull away.

Just tell him that you'll miss him, but you're excited for him and you look forward to hearing all about it on his return.

The way he has gone about this is quite cruel to you, but I do understand him.

I spent about 3 years having minimal contact with my mum. I needed that time to clear my head, process some childhood stuff and really disconnect from everyone who I knew.

It was the making of me and now my mum and I are more close.

She has never 100% forgiven me for leaving, but I genuinely think we would be NC if I hadn't.

If I was you, I would be really encouraging of him. Say absolutely no hard feelings and have a compromise where he checks his Instagram DMs every few days as you will contact him if there's an emergency (and only then).

The girl may be dodgy... But she's likely to just be a young girl who likes your son and is going to travel with him.

He obviously caught the travelling bug on his first trip and wants to do more. He is still young and it is a great experience. He can come home and he will still have his degree to fall back on.

Being that age is weird. You start thinking about things as you are on the cusp of becoming what feels like a "proper adult". My friends and I joke that we all went through a quarter life crisis at about 25.

I know it's probably really hard for you, but how you handle this will determine your relationship going forward.

Totally agree with @Nightmarewithdelirium . Your best bet is to stay calm and listen to your son. He's not cutting you off completely, is allowing you to follow him on Instagram and is requesting some space. I don't think jumping to conclusions about dodgy girlfriends and being therapised is helpful to you right now.

I say this as someone who is estranged from my mother. She has a narrative of being the perfect mother and will not acknowledge her awful neglectful and scapegoating behaviour towards her children. As a result she estranged from all three of us. I offered to attend therapy with her to sort it out a long time ago. She ignored this and plays victim with the rest of my family who have no idea what she's like.

I'm not suggesting that you have done anything to warrant this from your son, he may be having a crisis of some sort, but in his position all I wanted was to be heard by my mother. Perhaps you can suggest some family therapy when he's ready? It will give you both a chance to clear the air and let him know you are willing to really listen without being defensive. We all interpret things differently. Perhaps there have been some misunderstandings that need clearing up.

I’m sorry, @alizea—
You do your best and then they fly away and don’t comprehend that words hurt.
Just tell your son to be safe and to please not forget about you and that you love him.
I don’t think there’s much else you can do without pushing him even further away.
Follow him on Instagram and maybe on TikTok.
I hope he’ll get homesick for you and forget about all this.
Sending you love from faraway California. ❤️

I agree with @Guest100 .

He sounds entitled and selfish. He is essentially saying that he doesn’t give a 💩 what happens to his family/loved ones over the next twelve months, he doesn’t want to know. God forbid that someone has some sort of illness, he doesn’t want to know.

I’d suspect his head had been turned or that he’s been drip fed the ‘you have been shit parents’ if that’s the first you’d heard of it. Someone’s projecting and he’s bought into it.

He's still young and finding his feet but hes an adult and now is the time to let him make his own mistakes. Tell him you love him and will always be there for him. Just ask that he carry your details as an emergency contact should anything happen to him .