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Original poster

DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

542 replies

alizea · 23/01/2025 01:51

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/01/2025 06:32

This is only a guess. But it sounds like he has met someone he thinks you will disapprove of. Or doesn't want you to meet for other reasons. Maybe you interfere. I don't think it's unusual for adult children to be secretive.

Butchyrestingface · 23/01/2025 06:32

alizea · 23/01/2025 06:18

In terms of the break up it was very messy, his ex is our DDs best friend and has been in our life since she was 3 years old. They had been together for 3 years but in that time we actually seen his girlfriend than him as she would often come home to see her parents etc. over the weekend.
The break up had accusations of all sorts, and his ex was still in and out of our house (still is) as DD lives here and they are still close friends.

What was the nature of these “accusations of all sorts”? Did one (or both) of them feel badly treated by the other?

I think a lot of people would find it very difficult knowing their ex was still coming in and out of the family home. They weren’t married and don’t have kids who need dropped off. Perhaps he feels like home is no longer a safe space for him because she’s Jack-in-the-boxing in and out of it?

Arguably this is a cautionary tale about dating your sister’s close friends but I can’t help but think a bit of insight into your son’s feelings around your ‘neutrality’ over the breakup and the fact she’s still a feature in your home.

PreferMyAnimals · 23/01/2025 06:30

alizea · 23/01/2025 06:29

Our eldest 2 DC were close until the break up , now DD has fully sided with her friend and thinks DS is awful.

Show quote history

Then you can see why he doesn't want contact with her. She should have kept those sentiments to herself in front of your son though. Maybe your son did something that justifies her thinking that (maybe not, I don't know). If he did, then you can still be supportive about how he feels while he deals with the consequences.

Original poster
alizea · 23/01/2025 06:29

JaninaDuszejko · 23/01/2025 06:27

I think you are getting a hard time about the remaining neutral. Depends where in the spectrum of 'remaining neutral' you were. There's refusing to be dragged into criticising the ex (just sensible in case they get back together and a good lesson that a breakup is rarely just one person's fault) and there's letting your DD raise her friends grievances against your son as much as he talked about his grievances against her (not good and you should have told your DD that it wasn't kind to do that in front of her brother). Although why on earth was her friend criticising her brother to her, do your DC not get on?

Our eldest 2 DC were close until the break up , now DD has fully sided with her friend and thinks DS is awful.

OP posts:
porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:27

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 06:27

It really isn't far safer for young men, they're at greater risk of being attacked than young women in fact.

Show quote history

Then I stand corrected

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 06:27

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:25

Re the giving lifts sure point out his male privilege that it's far safer for him but re the break up I can see why he'd be annoyed.

It really isn't far safer for young men, they're at greater risk of being attacked than young women in fact.

JaninaDuszejko · 23/01/2025 06:27

I think you are getting a hard time about the remaining neutral. Depends where in the spectrum of 'remaining neutral' you were. There's refusing to be dragged into criticising the ex (just sensible in case they get back together and a good lesson that a breakup is rarely just one person's fault) and there's letting your DD raise her friends grievances against your son as much as he talked about his grievances against her (not good and you should have told your DD that it wasn't kind to do that in front of her brother). Although why on earth was her friend criticising her brother to her, do your DC not get on?

Zanatdy · 23/01/2025 06:26

Jeez the things he accuses you of my son could accuse me of. DD bigger room (i did too growing up for same reason as yours, and my DD, they had more stuff). I also drive DD to school whilst he walked or got the bus (he could have had a lift when DD joined same secondary but chose to walk). He knows I absolutely despise the school drop offs and only still do it as DD has some health issues. If he turned round and said the same as your son i’d tell him to grow up. Re the break up, that is tricky as she is your DD’s best friend, that probably contributed to these allegations his sisters were treated differently.

You can’t raise children exactly the same as they have different needs, my DS can see that I don’t do the things for DD I didn’t do for him out of favouritism. At least I hope that, who knows. Your DS is acting like an ungrateful brat so wish him well, keep an eye on his social media and hope he’s grown up when he returns.

PreferMyAnimals · 23/01/2025 06:25

alizea · 23/01/2025 06:18

In terms of the break up it was very messy, his ex is our DDs best friend and has been in our life since she was 3 years old. They had been together for 3 years but in that time we actually seen his girlfriend than him as she would often come home to see her parents etc. over the weekend.
The break up had accusations of all sorts, and his ex was still in and out of our house (still is) as DD lives here and they are still close friends.

Supporting him doesn't mean having to go against the ex-girlfriend. You can still be kind to her, though it might have been tactful of her to give him some space in his parents' home at such a sensitive time. His sister should also understand that. You could have supported him by gently explaining that to his sister.

Supporting him means validating how he feels about it, giving him a hug, listening to him. Not being neutral. You can do all that without taking a side. I can see why he might not have felt supported with that one - and that's probably the heart of the issue.

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:25

Re the giving lifts sure point out his male privilege that it's far safer for him but re the break up I can see why he'd be annoyed.

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:23

alizea · 23/01/2025 06:18

In terms of the break up it was very messy, his ex is our DDs best friend and has been in our life since she was 3 years old. They had been together for 3 years but in that time we actually seen his girlfriend than him as she would often come home to see her parents etc. over the weekend.
The break up had accusations of all sorts, and his ex was still in and out of our house (still is) as DD lives here and they are still close friends.

He is your son

Original poster
alizea · 23/01/2025 06:23

Hairyfairy01 · 23/01/2025 06:21

I would fully expect him to blow all of that money unfortunately and then come grovelling back to you.

All you can do now is say 'sorry to hear you feel like that however you are very much loved' and let him get on with it. At least he is letting you follow him on instragram I guess.

If it helps my oldest son has the smallest bedroom and I tend to ferry his younger sister around more than him. I don't think I'm too evil mind.

I really don't think he will. He showed us his detailed budgeting plans and he has always been very financially literate. I'm sure some young people may but I definitely trust him not to.

OP posts:
Nazzywish · 23/01/2025 06:22

Just leave him be for abit OP. He needs to go travelling, see how others live and come back humbled because he verging on being a spoilt so and so atm. You've done nothing wrong from the sounds of it. Just back off and let him process his breakup himself whilst travelling and his life in general.
My worry is that he has a lot of money and won't really be getting the eye opening travelling experience that's needed for him to feel gratitude more of a luxury extended holiday.
I would say you understand the need for space and that's fine but can he check in with you once a month to just let you know he's safe. If he disagrees, it's reflective of him being a really selfish person.

Hairyfairy01 · 23/01/2025 06:21

I would fully expect him to blow all of that money unfortunately and then come grovelling back to you.

All you can do now is say 'sorry to hear you feel like that however you are very much loved' and let him get on with it. At least he is letting you follow him on instragram I guess.

If it helps my oldest son has the smallest bedroom and I tend to ferry his younger sister around more than him. I don't think I'm too evil mind.

KillerTomato7 · 23/01/2025 06:19

I think the single best thing you can do is to ignore any and all advice from the embittered fools on here who have no interest at all in helping you, but have a great deal of bottled up rage at "kids these days" and an urge to tell us all about it.

Original poster
alizea · 23/01/2025 06:18

In terms of the break up it was very messy, his ex is our DDs best friend and has been in our life since she was 3 years old. They had been together for 3 years but in that time we actually seen his girlfriend than him as she would often come home to see her parents etc. over the weekend.
The break up had accusations of all sorts, and his ex was still in and out of our house (still is) as DD lives here and they are still close friends.

OP posts:
porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:17

Safe in the knowledge that if it all goes tits up, you'll help him, because you love him, ever so. yet when he needed you after the break up you stayed out of it

Original poster
alizea · 23/01/2025 06:15

dappledgreyandwhite · 23/01/2025 06:13

You have had some excellent advice on here. How will this be funded? Surely he is going to run out of money at some point?

I would not get involved in the finances or the practicalities, just say you are sure he has thought it all through, you respect his decision and love him very much.

You have already apologised for the loss of his relationship.

I do hope he isn’t going to do all of this travelling, and then come back and live with you or expect you to be subsidise it op, having said he doesn’t wish to stay in contact.

He could be ‘finding himself’ like a pilgrimage and if you give him enough space, I am sure he will be back op 🙏🏻

Edited

Between uni and now so 7 years he has saved over 75k, working part time at uni and then he was making about £400 a week in sports coaching which basically paid all his rent and bills.

He also inherited 50k from my sister. So unless he goes crazy I think he will be fine financially.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 23/01/2025 06:14

I'm really saddened by the whole situation and I struggled to sleep for thinking about it.

and it was sad when he had a messy break up and needed the support - you sat on the fence. I expect he had stressful and upset nights

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:13

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 06:05

I don't think we sided with anyone

Ouch, I bet that hurt. Why wouldn't you side with your son? Parents are allowed to be a bit partial, you know and it was his girlfriend, not his wife of 5 years.

Yes come on op why didn't you "side" with your own child?

dappledgreyandwhite · 23/01/2025 06:13

You have had some excellent advice on here. How will this be funded? Surely he is going to run out of money at some point?

I would not get involved in the finances or the practicalities, just say you are sure he has thought it all through, you respect his decision and love him very much.

You have already apologised for the loss of his relationship.

I do hope he isn’t going to do all of this travelling, and then come back and live with you or expect you to be subsidise it op, having said he doesn’t wish to stay in contact.

He could be ‘finding himself’ like a pilgrimage and if you give him enough space, I am sure he will be back op 🙏🏻

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 06:12

alizea · 23/01/2025 05:57

Thank you all.

He expanded further on some points, such as feeling we favoured his sisters his reasons were

  • They always had the biggest rooms despite him being the eldest (they had the most stuff, it was about practicality not a reflection of how much love we have for any of them)
  • As he was the oldest there was an expectation for him to be more independent at a younger age than his sisters are even now. I think he was talking about how he would be expected to take a train or bus to his friend's house but our youngest is 18 and we still often drop her off. Again not a reflection of love just differing resources at differing times.

Then the other thing is he feels we sided with his ex in the break up because she was one of our middle DD's friends and DD was living with us, feeding us the girlfriends side of the story. I don't think we sided with anyone , it was messy and difficult and we tried to keep out of it.

I'm not worried about him financially, he has plenty of savings and I'm not worried about his street smart. We don't live in London so he isn't expecting free Accomodation from us or anything.

I'm really saddened by the whole situation and I struggled to sleep for thinking about it.

Hand on heart did you favour your DD? Did you baby your daughters and treat him as "the oldest so he'll be ok"?

MikeRafone · 23/01/2025 06:08

It was messy and difficult and we tried to keep out of it

really?

you always support your own

stay out of it certainly isn’t supportive

the rest of his complaints sound a bit pathetic, but possibly all the small things add up and then the straw the broke the camels back, was his break up and you yet again appearing to take the girlfriends side because of his sisters friendship

id leave him alone

send him a message saying you’ll respect his wishes and start coming down on his side

NewdayNewstartin2025 · 23/01/2025 06:08

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

This on some points
Privileged young person not a tough life but let's look for something to whinge about .

However, he's an adult so it's his choice.

dottiedodah · 23/01/2025 06:08

Thinking honestly do u feel there may be a grain of truth there.only because my DD says similar. I feel I could have done things differently, however as above PP says hindsight is a wonderful thing.wish him well and check in by following him .what do his sister's think.i suspect he will grow up a bit ,and return to the fold.DD realises that .

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