DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

I’d bet diamonds DD1 was in there with her big wooden spoon before the break up. She’s managed to get ds to stop coming home and if I was dd2 I’d be sleeping with one eye open. DD1 is a prime candidate for “failure to launch”.

DD1 sounds v insensitive. I don't think there's any point banning ex now, that should have happened when they broke up. You can agree ex is not there when DS is and no more shit stirring narrative from DD1 I think, that seems v reasonable. Dunno why she's so keen to paint your son as a villain, sounds like they both cheated. And shut down any badmouthing of new gf. Then just follow your sons instructions re contact. I'm not sure why ppl need to be in contact every 5 minutes anyway tbh, it's v suffocating and sometimes you just need space from a situation and/or a break. Have to say, reading threads like these always make me feel so relieved I don't have kids though as I'd inevitably fuck it up and I don't fancy being blamed for everything for the rest of my life. I don't think you've done anything terrible for the record, just been a bit insensitive and it sounds like you pander a bit to your daughter over the other DC.

Spot on

DS's update is sensible and proportionate. It's a traditional level of contact for travelling.

DD1 is the greater issue to resolve. If you get better social boundaries established in the next year while he's away, his issues should calm down and be straightforwards to resolve.
Socially she's behaving like a 15yo and getting away with it. She should not be shit stirring about her friend/ ex. She can continue the friendship, but not under the family roof and needs to be discrete about information shared. The family should not be held to ransom by her moods. She's an adult, old enough to have lived away at university for 3-4 years, and she needs expectations of home life to transition her to being able to move out into independent adult life when it's financially viable.

While his complaints about bedrooms and toys are initially superficial and trivial, against a sibling that the family tip-toes around to keep happy, they make sense.

It's also understandable that he's feeling guarded about his new girlfriend.

Having read your updates, you've had his ex and your daughters in his home so much yet you don't seem to have thought how that's made your son feel, of course he's not going to bring his new gf home!

I feel sorry for him. Are you as critical with your daughters or are they all perfect?

I'm not sure why this girl is taking the brunt of the blame either. You don't even know her.

Let him go. He'll learn a few things about life and come back grateful to have you, guaranteed. I went travelling on my own in my 20s as an emotional wreck and I couldn't have made a better decision. He's very young, let him work it out for himself for a while.

Ps, i never rang home, admittedly my parents are about as caring and loving as a bag of crisps but it was unusual for travelling 20 somethings to be calling mummy every 5 minutes.

Yes, i am thankful i had a mother who cared we were breathing and gave the bare necessity. This may seem inadequate to some but to me, i am grateful. I now have a 6mth old DS and will most definitely be giving more love and care than i received. Like i said, my mum wasn't too maternal when we were kids. She is now different though after realising her children is all she has.

We weren't lacking other things though. People need to realise how priviledged they are. There are 10yr old kids in nigeria who will wake up in the morning, go out all day selling things for the family. So, yes, i am immensely grateful for the cards i was dealt

Yes, i am grateful because there are vile human beings out there disguised as parents

I had no dramatic reason for cutting my parents off, but like most of my age group, went to university and have had a weekly phone call from then until when I had children.

In contrast someone on this thread has even recommended asking the DS to let the OP track him. And constant messaging is more of a thing.

So yes, “leave me alone” is more of a thing now, it’s not because relationships are worse, it’s because the default is hyper connected.

"Definitely need a conversation with DD1 too as she is already “bad talking” this girl based just on her TikTok!"

Shut that shit down! WTF.

Your son has a GF that he's travelling with. He's not brought her home to meet you because he's seen you let your daughter shit talk him, choose to enable his ex that he told you cheated on him, and new GF doesn't need to see or hear daughter 1 shit talking or disrespecting her, much less see how cozy her bf's cheating ex is with his family.

Your other daughter said she seems nice after looking at the same social media.

Your older daughter has an agenda and you'd better put some boundaries in place before she starts in on alienating your younger daughter too.

Yes, or like when there were two large bedrooms and one small one to distribute and again, OP chose against DS and gave him the smallest.

Or, they had promised DS would be picked up, but then one of his sisters also needed to picked up at the same time so again they chose against DS so he had to make his own way home.

There are just so many examples of when the DS has been put aside in favour of his sisters, he's basically Cinderella figure.

@AnonymousBleep
We weren't allowed to go out after school, no pocket money, no birthday or xmas presents etc
hardly an ideal life that? it is emotionally abusive

Can see the DIL post in years to come; 'my mil has my DHs ex from 10 years ago included in family events' she puts her first.

@alizea

If you still have the ability to send a message (without boundary crossing), I would offer to come meet him for a holiday anywhere in the world any time, and he should just let you know when he has had a chance to think. Ideally dress it up as a long standing desire to see elephants/snorkel/whatever, but he'll know. If he takes you up on it. Do it.

"Op's son decided to date his sister's best friend, I assume knowing (unless he's thick), that if they broke up, it would create an awkward dynamic for his sister, but he did it anyway."

Daughter's friend decided to date her friend's brother despite knowing if they broke up, it would create an awkward situation in her best friend's home. She continued to come around to the home after the breakup and confided in her friend, who ran to OP with it instead of minding her own business and refusing to get in the middle. Daughter could have set boundaries with friend.

@alizea 'We will have a conversation tonight, perhaps banning the friend is the right choice I just know DD is going to kick off, call us enablers/victim blaming etc etc, tell us we are destroying what little social life she has.'

This comment from you about the enabling/victim-blaming - does your DD mean you'd be 'enabling' your son by saying her friend/his ex can't come round, and that you're 'victim-blaming' as in the ex is a victim of your son? Why are you allowing this narrative under your roof? You've just gone along with your daughter framing him as the villain in the breakup even though you know that's not true. Why did you even have to come on here and ask why your son doesn't want anything to do with you - isn't OBVIOUS?

You have a massive DD1 problem. Yes there is a spoilt brat in your home. It's not your son. She's obviously horrifically jealous of him and puts the boot in whenever she can.

Indeed - even the ex.

I feel sorry for the DS.

Fair enough. Leave him be.

DD can see her friend whenever she likes OUTSIDE your house.

So your son didn’t even have a refuge in his home where he could guarantee that he would not see his ex.

This was prioritising your DDs friendship over your DS who was going through a tough time. You and your DD could have shown some empathy and met her friend elsewhere.

DD1 sounds like a twat, not surprised she has few friends, I wouldn't want to be friends with her either.

Asking ex not to come to the house was not at all impossible.

As a parent, she could have dealt with an awkward situation by telling ex she would appreciate her not coming around the house and that she would need to see Daughter 1 outside the home for at least some time.

But OP didn't put her son's feelings first because she was afraid of her daughter's reaction to a reasonable request.

It does sound impossible, torn between what is best for ds, dd and exgf.
Reminds me of when one DD had a piano exam, one had a nativity play and ds had sports event.

Op chose against ds then, and is still choosing against him now.

It's his family home. He should feel welcome and support there.

But there's Daughter 1 shit talking him to his own family who won't shut her down and his ex happily ensconced.

No wonder he only goes twice a year and has now told his parents to not contact him unless there's a true emergency. He's out and I would not be surprised that unless OP takes time for therapy to see how she's enabled her daughter and her bestie and puts some boundaries in place, there's a permanent rift. She won't meet his GFs, his future children or be a loving presence in his life.

I'd call that a failure as a parent.