DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

Don’t feel bad about it though OP, parenting is hard and getting it right is even trickier.

I think the best thing to do is tell him you understand, your not perfect and you got it wrong. You hope he has a lovely time and going forward you will be more emotionally supportive. You’re never too old to grow, as they say.

Messy difficult break up and in your sons opinion you sided with his ex even though he was devastated? That sounds heartbreaking for him in addition to all the other heartbreak

Instead of taking this on board, you're making excuses

I think you've hurt him deeply and from this hurt he has extrapolated other times in his life when you have again sided with his sisters (as he believes you've sided with his ex) and not him

No matter what you believe, your son believes that you let him down

I see this too - at the end of the day, OP, you prioritised the feelings the ex GF/family friend over your son. It’s awkward when our children date the children of close friends or BFFs of siblings, but I am afraid the consequence of this mean that hard decisions have to be made. In this case, it should have been that in the event of a break up she would no longer be part of your lives.

My first BFs mother told me explicitly that I was always welcome in their home while I was dating/involved with their son, but should we break up there would be no relationship and no open invitation to their home. I was rather staggered by the bluntness at the time but, in hindsight, I completely get it. My relationship was with their son. Once the exGF and your DS started to date, the relationship changed and you should have been mature enough to anticipate that there would be fallout if they broke up.

I’m afraid I would state that, due to your son’s distress, she is no longer welcome at your home. And your DD will have to accept that her friend will have to be seen elsewhere. In the years to come things will likely change and DD won’t have to worry about inviting her BFF and Dbro to her wedding etc because they will both have moved on, but right now the whole family needs to apologise and take steps to demonstrate that he is more important than the friend.

I am sorry op but it does seem like your family and you have been incredibly insensitive here. Some random friend is NOT more important than your poor son’s feelings.

Kindly, can I point out that you even trust your youngest daughters opinion of someone she’s only seen on tik tok, over your son - who has met the girl.

If you are completely honest, have you found your DS more troublesome than his sisters? Room size is a cover, for potentially a feeling he has had all his life.

I know - as one of three - that my brother/sister were always favoured as one was highly intelligent, the other good at sport.

I think I occasionally verbalised this to my parents, and I did do some wayward things. But I’m settled and successful now and resilient. I went travelling, I was wild, I did various things my parents would have been mortified about had they known.

But it’s all ok now. I know that sporting or academic achievement is not the only criteria for success, and I know my parents love/loved me. I know I was probably quite odd, unusual and difficult as a child - but I’ve found my path.

@alizea

When You respond, tell him you all the obvious stuff- wish you’d read things better and sorry that you weren’t as supportive as you thought you were. Love him etc.

But- tell him you’ll miss him desperately and ask him to ease your parent panic by updating insta regularly with himself in it so you know he’s ok! Nice views aren’t enough as someone else could be using his phone. Say you know that’s a bit over dramatic but you’d really appreciate it if he did!

So you hardly see him and every time he turns up his ex was there? Fucking hell OP can you hear yourself? As she lives "right round the corner" would it be inconceivable for your dd to socialise with her friend at her house?

Your ds has made the right decision. He needs a break from you.

A once a month surprise visit from a young person that age is actually pretty good. And his ex was there twice (making your home not a safe space to pop into). Given the hostilities with your DD, having her friend/his-ex there does look like favouring the DD. Both DD and friend should have had the sensitivity to give his family home some space. And then you'll wonder why he stopped popping in?

I’m on your son’s side. Imagine going through a painful breakup and your ex is swanning in and out of you home! Was he swanning in and out of her home, no, because any decent parent wouldn’t allow that! If your daughter wanted to spend time with her, it should have been at her house.

Can’t believe you didn’t side with your son! Unless it’s something tragic, you always side with your kids, no matter if they are right or wrong, they’re your own!

This.

I would also ask, if possible, if he would agree to send a weekly text just saying ‘All ok here’ or something.

I would love a three month break from speaking to my family. It would do my mental health the world of good so I completely get where your son is coming from. My parents probably think they did a decent job being parents and from a material side they did but from an emotional side the house was chaotic with fighting and nastiness even as a much older person I have significant scars from their behaviour. OP if I were you I would respect your sons wishes and give him the space he has requested.

It will probably do him good. He may enjoy it or he may get bored (aimless travelling can be dull). It will certainly make or break his relationship with the woman and he will hoover through his savings (which will probably panic him a bit). It sounds like he needs to work out what he wants from life.

My 17yo went to NYC over Christmas and I was worried about him. But he was fine.

Your DS is 25! He's an adult. Respect his wishes or you will push him away complete. He will come to you when he's ready.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

And I say that as someone who is nc with a parent due to actual abuse.

One of my friend's sons is nc with her saying similar things. Her partner has a child who is nc with him for similar reasons. And yet both of these young adults had privileged upbringings and they were both good parents.

It reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw many, many years ago where a young adult was on a Ricki Lake type programme bemoaning the fact that having good, loving parents had denied her the opportunity to go to therapy to unpick their traumatic childhood.

OP, I'd let him go and try not to worry. You can see what he's doing via Instagram and hopefully he'll have grown up a bit by the time he returns.

There's not a lot else you can do without perpetuating his narrative and potentially making it worse and, as he's an adult, not a lot else you can do anyway.

Unfortunately I think that I can also see his point of view around trying to ‘stay out’ of his breakup. He probably felt quite unsupported, especially if she was still ‘in and out of the house’ throughout the breakup. Of course you are fond of her, but if you’re not going to back your own child at that moment, when will you do so?

She will go off to have her own relationship and likely her own family elsewhere. But this is your son.

You also need to have a firm word with your DD about taking up this stance against her brother.

I would consider trying something like family counselling or mediation before he departs. If you can persuade him to do it, that is.

I agree with @Machya - sounds
like you’ve badly mishandled the break up. I imagine the other things (bigger bedroom etc) are only coming to his mind because of this. You’ve put your daughter’s friend ahead of your own son at his most vulnerable time.

I would suggest you apologise sincerely. Focus on how he feels, not whether you think he has the right to feel that way or whether you meant him to feel so.

I think it’s ok to tell him that you would love him to stay in contact during his travels but you won’t force it, and see what he comes up with. A sincere apology from you might make a big difference.

It will all come right, as long as you’re able to acknowledge his feelings rather than being defensive.

I would probably assume in light of the drip feed and the fact his own mother has so little insight into how hurtful this situation must be for him, that this new girl is probably not a drug runner or anything dodgy. She’s probably just supportive and on his side.

At some level, I think everyone needs to feel their family has got their back. By OP’s own admission, his sister had taken the ex’s side and she and her husband were so busy being neutral, to the point that the sensitivity-free ex felt at liberty to continue to swan in and out of the family home. Thanks, mum and dad!

So this girl may just offer the kind of support he can’t rely on from his own parents. And the fact he can go to see her without running the risk of his ex marking her scent all over the family home is probably a bit of a plus too.

The ex sounds selfish in wanting his attention and support while he was studying . I presume while they were in the process of breaking up she was visiting your home and getting support from your daughter. All the while you were "sitting on the fence '. That must have been a painful and difficult period for him. To compound that nothing has changed for her. She is still visiting your home and being treated well which he clearly finds uncomfortable.

While some of his other reasoning may be questionable he clearly feels unsupported and isolated within his own family. His sister is being particularly cruel and from what you've said you have endorsed her behaviour.
I completely understand why he might need some space. He has set his boundaries. Good for him.

From what you’ve said it might be that he just needs to distance himself from the ex at the moment and that unfortunately means distancing from you too. Worst case scenario is that the new one is isolating him for some reason, cults spring to mind. Either way all you can do at the moment is leave the door open for him.

Have updated now in reflection of the drip feed updates that I have missed…

I think saying 'we have somehow failed' just says they haven't been listening. Somehow sounds like they don't have a clue. Their son has been quite specific.

It doesn't matter if it was their intention or not. As I had to explain to my parent about something they didn't intend, the consequences are the consequences even if you didn't intend it.

Saying 'we love and support you always' might be like rubbing salt into a wound given that they haven't shown love and support over the break up with neutrality.

This message would just drive me further away.

I agree with this, OP. I would have told DD to see her friend somewhere else.