DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

Completely agree. I share a lot of positive quotes etc on instagram and my algorithm ends up filled with things about breaking cycles of trauma and neglect. I’m in my 30s so no longer considered “one of the young ones” but I’m glad I wasn’t seeing this stuff ten years ago when I was still figuring myself out. My parents made mistakes but I had a perfectly pleasant childhood filled with love and continued support. But social media does its best to convince me otherwise!

Tell him you love him. Acknowledge you made some mistakes while he was growing up and handled his break up badly. Say that you're ready to listen to him and ask if there's anything you can do to make things better. Then say you hope he has a wonderful time, you'll respect his wishes but you do need to be able to get in contact with him if there's an emergency. Ask him if there's any room for compromise, eg can you message him once every 2 or 3 weeks, but agree not to apart from that? At least you'll be able to see from instagram that he's safe and well. I do agree with the poster who commented that back in the day I went off travelling in Asia for a couple of months and all my parents heard from me was the odd postcard!

I would let him go and not contact him as he wishes. He is writing himself a story that connects him to this new girl, and telling her a tale that fits his “poor me” attitude.
I wouldn’t follow him on instagram and I would back right off and give him space to find himself. He is an adult and you have to let him have his way for now .

edited to say that not getting the biggest bedroom in the house isn’t going to result in trauma and neither is being expected to take bus. It’s overblown nonsense and belittles people who really have suffered childhood abuse and neglect.

You made your decisions around his break up.

He's made his decisions based on that.

It's clear to see from this thread how you favour his sister and ex, and that's with you trying to paint things in a better light so I can only imagine what the reality was like.

You reap what you sow.

I don't think wanting your parents to go in to bat for you (with love and vigour) during a painful breakup is setting infinte hoops!

Jeez! 🤪🤪🤪

He’s got his CFA? That’s a tough set of exams - a masters effectively. She clearly didn’t understand.

I won’t comment on the break up situation or the bigger rooms.

I just wanted to point out that if your son is like most young people, he will be updating his Instagram on a weekly if not daily basis. You will easily see what he is doing and be able to keep tabs on him.

I think it’s a whole load of drama about not a lot to be honest.

Tell him you are sorry he felt unsupported and you can totally understand where he is coming from, even parents make mistakes. Say you hope he has a wonderful time and you are excited to meet his new friend and hear all about his travels when he is ready.

As your son’s mother your job is to unreservedly support him. I wonder in what other ways you have been insensitive to his pain and hurt. I think some self reflection is needed - to show him you have taken his honest account very very seriously.

In your position I would apologise for having his ex there, for taking a neutral position when your support was needed, and going forward she will no longer be in his family home and you will do your utmost to support him in the future.

I would thank him for his honesty, he didn’t need to tell you, he could have just disappeared on his travels. What he has said is extremely valuable, and shows that he hopes you can respond better next time.

I am pretty sure your DDs ex boyfriends wouldn’t have been made so welcome, it does seem you are more caring for them emotionally and that might be rooted in stereotypes that men need less support (not true)

OP have you ever been badly treated by someone, and your mutual friends declared they were ‘staying out of it’ and carried on seeing the person even though they had been awful to you? It feels like such a betrayal.

Imagine the people staying out of it are your own parents! That would be so upsetting and would feel very much as if your DD’s friend was more important to you than your own DS. No wonder he feels second best!

As for your DD, either there is more to this breakup than you have been told, or else your DD is happily driving a wedge between you and your DS and enjoying being favoured. Her friend does not need to be in and out of your house. My kids have plenty of friends that I barely see, including lifelong ones.

Unless there are more issues that you don’t know or haven’t shared about his behaviour to his ex, then you owe your DS a sincere apology for not being more supportive.

Sounds exhausting
I think someone people need to just accept that people are trying their best and allow their effort to make them feel and see the love. Not set infinite hoops.

Agree.
This type of scenario has rightly dredged up feelings that were niggling.
It can have a profound long term affect on the parent child relationship.
In essence he is in huge pain and rather than reach for support from his parents he feels it best to go no contact for the rest of the year.
He feels driven away from you by you clearly prioritising his sister and her friend.

Be very wary of making a "sorry if you feel we did X" non apology, as that could finish him off and your relationship.

Tell him, upon reflection, and talking to others, your stance and position was very very wrong and disloyal, and you feel both mortified and embarrassed by your thoughtless lack of judgement.
You hugely under estimated his hurt and upset and you are so very very sorry.
He is enormously important to you, you love him to bits, and want him to have a fantastic trip.
You will miss him terribly and will be here for him whenever he needs you.

Perhaps some would wing it and hope for the best, but I certainly wouldn't.
This is a time for the plain language of apology, regret and love for him.

I would want it to be crystal clear to him how much you love and adore him, and that you are desperately sorry that your thoughtlessness has added to his grief and pain.

I would say it in person but also text it to him so that he can read it and reflect on it and have it when away.

I wouldn't want my son leaving with any ambiguity about how much he meant to me.

As for your daughter, I would be telling her too that she should buck up and have a bit of basic loyalty.
That friend is to stay away.

I wonder how you and your daughter would feel if it was yourson's friend?
I bet you wouldn't think it a great idea to have her nose rubbed in it.

A bit of basic compassion for him is required here.

He’s 25 and you can all still follow him on social media so it’s not too bad, at least you can see his whereabouts.

I’d probably try to ask if he wouldn’t mind sharing locations just in case something happens but then leave it at that.

I think your DS has grounds for his feelings. Always put in the smallest room because his sisters amassed too much stuff, feeling like they were being fawned over and given lifts everywhere when he had to make his own way on public transport. You can make all your excuses to justify yourself, but it must have been hurtful to his young self. Now you're getting a taste of what it feels like to be hurt, so you just have to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

My own mother treated my brother better than me, even though he was the nightmare, noisy kid and I was quiet one. It does hurt and it stays with you, leaves you wondering 'why was I not good enough'.

Ask if he'd want to know if anything serious happened to anyone in the family and what his chosen communication route is for that.

I totally agree!!!!

I speak as someone who WAS neglected and it, to coin a term, boils my piss!!!!
My Dad worked EVERY hour god gives, even now at the age of 65, to provide for the four of us. He came from nothing, was illiterate and has worked to the bone to give us all deposits and cars. He is kind, loving, hands on, non judgemental, funny etc.

As a child he DID lose his temper a few times, im talking shouting at us less than once a year. Shouting, not swearing but just yelling, normally as teens staying out all night etc.

My sister lived with my parents until she was 31. She had a dinner cooked for her nightly, her laundry done and didnt pay a PENNY in rent. She became increasingly rude and dismissive of Dad. He would stumble in exhuasted, aged 60 plus, on his 5th 12 hour day of the week and she would roll her eyes and tell him he needed to shower now, not later. Or just blank him and not return his hellos.

Due to his direct contributions and her having lived there for 10 years post-degree with no expenses, packed lunches daily and little weekly treats she managed to save 120K before she moved out.

Recently she has cut him off becuase he never attended her ballet performances or took her anywhere special (by which i mean abroad) for her 16th birthday - we couldnt afford it as there are 6 of us and he threw a party and bought her a watch she wanted that cost 3k!!!!!

He is getting a bit run down and sick now, had a stroke recently, and she is dismissive of him and has mocked his sudden deterioation in health to his face before

Sick of the lot of them!!!

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. some people just dont know how good they had it!!!

I’d imagine a lot of it is down to the older generation having lived in relatively prosperous times, with more disposable money, lower mortgages and perks like final salary pensions while doing absolutely shit all to set the next generation up for success. Oh, and while also dismissing the absolute turmoil of being a young professional during an unprecedented CoL crisis who knows they’ll need to work themselves to near burnout until their 70s and beyond.

I agree the break up sounds ill managed from your side.

Make it clear you love him, tell him you're worried and want to know he is OK, and would he be able to send a message saying 'all is OK' or stay in touch with youngest DD so you know he is safe and well.

He might also be pushing you away but wanting you to pushback a little bit and show you care and love him. Just don't push hard.

Initial posts: this was totally out of the blue, I have no idea why he’s unhappy with us, he only gave us these petty examples of favoring his sisters…

Drip feed: He lost a serious relationship and his close relationship with his sister in one fell swoop because she fully sided with his ex and we refused to do anything to support him that might upset our DD including telling her she was being a lousy sister or making sure he could come home to visit without walking in to his gf treating our home like her own.

Predictable.

Tell your DS you’re sorry for mishandling his breakup and that you love him and will miss him. Tell him you’ll respect his request not to contact him but you’ll worry so you’d appreciate him sending a quick “I’m ok” every week or so if he’s not updating instagram regularly. Wish him an amazing trip and tell him you’re looking forward to stories of his adventures when he comes back.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

I think Hess got alot of pressure right now probably put on himself to be or do something… I would see this small attack on you as way of him expressing that he has unmet needs. But likely knows that he needs to now meet them himself. I would reassure him it’s ok to not know exactly what he wants right now and encourage him to take a bit of time to figure it out.

Well, the upshot is that your home is no longer a safe haven for your son, OP - regardless of how often he wants to visit. It’s filled by a sister who thinks he’s awful, parents who don’t want to “take sides” against his ex, and the ex herself who feels free to continue to put her feet up chez toi. The same ex who has apparently been slagging your kid to high heaven.

Really quite a staggering lack of sensitivity and insight all round. It’s easier now to understand why he feels second to his sisters - he’s second to a non-related ex who hates him!

I hope you can fix this and that the time away gives him a chance to clear his head.

Perfect response right here op

Yes, especially since the girlfriend is friends with the sister that he feels was favoured over him and now the sister's friend gets equal billing in fairness to him, the son. I can see how that would open up childhood wounds when he felt like he was the least important child.

You still sound like you think your role was to be a neutral, fair to both sides.

You appear tone deaf. Listen to your DS. His ex shouldn't have been in the family home. I agree with others.

That was insensitive.