DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

All your “fairness” has left him with the shitty end of the stick. It’s only “fair” that he gets the smallest room because his younger sisters have more stuff. It’s only fair that he gets the bus and his sisters get lifts because…well it’s just fairer that way. It’s only fair that his sister is allowed to go around saying he’s awful because her friend doesn’t like him. It’s only fair that when he comes to visit his mum his ex girlfriend is there because she moved back and he didn’t and for some reason her and his sister who thinks he’s awful can’t go to her house.

The room and the lifts is small stuff, but annoying when you are the one with the small room and the wait at the bus stop. You hosting his ex after a really messy break up is a “fuck you”. He probably shouldn’t have shit on his own doorstep but now he has it would be nice if his mum was on his side. It would be nice if his sister didn’t think she could live at her mums while being a dick to her mums other child. Being unwelcome now has probably made him think of those small things in the past where his sisters wants have been prioritised over his and he’s pissed off about it, despite being a grown man living independently. You probably would have been better off saying “yeah, it was a bit crap that you got the small room and we never took you anywhere and we have your ex over all the time” instead of “but your sisters wanted the bigger rooms, your sisters wanted lifts, your sister thinks you are awful and wants your ex here”
That said, it is a bit dramatic but it’s not better to just go and grey rock you, which was the easier option for him.

Reading about all his studying and work suggests this is his first real chance for a break, between childhood, study and preparation for life and the actual life. It's his gap year. The break-up will have intensified things. Just give him space and he'll get things out of his system.

He's 25, he's doing well in life. Let him have the personal space he needs.

The ex-girlfriend situation sounds rather enmeshed, and it's not suprising that he needs space from that situation.

The ability to keep in touch regularly while travelling is very new. When I went travelling for months about 15 years ago, smart phones were still niche, roaming data extorotionate and it was still the phase of logging on to desk top computers in internet cafes, in hostels to check emails and facebook and finding pay phones for a sporadic check-in. At that point in time it wasn't worth taking a mobile phone. Kindles hadn't quite come in so it was book swapping for entertainment.

15 years ago a young adult didn't need to "lay down boundaries" about going lower contact, because it wasn't assumed that you'd be in touch constantly.

This is the first generation expected to live near literally in their parents' pockets and be constantly in touch. Their ability to be spontaneous has been curtailed by being mindful of embarassing things being put on social media (plus pandemic restrictions ripping through university life). When they take a step back from it all, it all sounds rather dramatic and formal. Previous generations could do it much more naturally.

Does he do that at the moment in this country?

Oh gosh this is such a sensitive situation. He clearly feels due to those random occurrences that his sister's desires for a friendship are more important than his feelings of being emotionally betrayed.

The difficult thing for you as a family - particularly as there's nothing you could have done about this except perhaps bar her from your home, which would have been extreme - is that female friendships like this often last forever. So his sense of betrayal will unlikely ever go, even if it eases with time.

The best you can hope for is ex gf meets someone and stays with them and chooses to live a long way from your home town so she's no longer a constant in your DD's life

Reading your updates OP, I can see his POV. I'm the oldest and was always expected to babysit and take care of my siblings. I don't think parents always realise that their first kid had to break all the barriers for the others, how much pocket money, going out for parties, acceptance of boy/girlfriends etc . It does rankles a bit when you see your siblings cruising through these without any issue whereas each one of those was a debate.

I also can see how hard it was for DS. If you had been cheated on by an ex and kept going back to your family.home and seeing the ex. That would rankle a bit. By not taking sides, you essentially took a side, because you effective implied you didn't believe DS. Because if you had then you'd have taken his side.

If I were you I'd write to him and thank him for clarification. Tell.him you can see his POV and that you realise you are being insensitive about the ex, and that you hadn't realised that the rooms etc were a source of concern and it wasn't driven out of favourites but practicality but you can see now how it came across. And that you love him and you want to mend these bridges if possible. Tell him you wish him well for the trip and you'd love to follow his IG and if he wanted to drop you the odd message you'd be delighted.

It's a comparison thing though. It's not that he didn't get lifts, it's that his sisters did and he didn't.

Can you not see how that would hurt? You come home to see your family and your ex is there?

Have you read all of OP's posts? There's a huge dripfeed coming.

And no, it's not that she has embossed stationary with the caption girlmum, although she might.

Agree , and he may have told the new girlfriend, she’s said (not unreasonably) that’s awful and given him food for thought/another perspective when his own family have proceeded like it’s totally normal. That’s often how we realise people’s behaviour, especially parents, is not quite right as when you are in it and it’s your normality you just don’t know.

I agree. There are so many pseudo therapists/ life coaches etc on Instagram and all this stuff about breaking the cycle etc.

Becoming an adult is tough and it’s like he’s trying to blame any struggles he’s having on his childhood.

Tell him you love him and let him live his life how he chooses. Empathize with him about his feelings of feeling unsupported and explain that you had no idea you were favoring his sisters. When he is ready to talk about his feelings with you tell him that you will always be there to listen.

He is an adult now and his decisions are his alone to make.

Get on with your own life.

I would respect his wishes.

If you look at social media, the quickest way to get attention is to talk about your trauma. I’m a therapist and see this more and more. I think people do believe they have experienced trauma but lack empathy for the fact that no parent can get it right all the time

It was a mistake to allow the girl to come whenever after the split. He seems to feel betrayed by that.

He probably sees that as you putting your daughters first given they are friends

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Or, are these the children of the "but we took you to stately homes" thread type parents.

It really isn't possible to know both sides to stories like this. I know people who really struggle to process their childhoods and their parents are completely oblivious. Especially when it comes to favouring, daughters are so often favoured, I see it in my own family but the mothers would fiercely deny it.

You might be proud of him op, but he needs to feel loved and supported. It’s a shame he had work himself into to ground for anyone to feel proud. It sounds conditional on his success, and maybe he is sick of his life being measured in this way?

Good catch.

Maybe she should let the ex have a swatch at the new girlfriend's TikTok too, so she can chip in with her valued opinion too.

There could be more though than those surface claims. Maybe he feels everyone sided with his ex over the split. Sister seems to feed the ex narrative to his mum. That would hurt and explain wanting distance

This narrative really irritates me. Not everyone lived like that.

Fewer people went to university, mortgages actually that easy to get, especially if you were a single not very well paid woman. And as for the final salary schemes I (who's one of these older generations) missed that particular boat as well, not to mention being on the receiving end of pension age increases.

Throughout the 80s and 90s mortgage rates were higher or similar to those now.

Where I do have sympathy - and again as an older person who's not benefitted from the housing explosion - is the cost of property.

This.

Maybe he feels @alizea he can't talk to you because you have his sister in your ear (and in and out of your home) giving it large on what he's done wrong. She's hardly impartial since best friends with his ex!

I change my view now and can understand why he needs space from all of you. Probably feels like you've all taken her side.....

He'll be back after she's gone through all his money.

Maybe travelling will open his eyes to how spoilt and self entitled he is.
He sounds like a brat who hasn't grown up.
Angry at not having the bigger bedroom!!
You should have told him lots of kids share a room with 2 siblings .
No lifts and had to get a train!! Again completely ridiculous.
He is trying to make drama and oh feel sorry for me . I had such a hard childhood.
Sounds like he had a loving family and also inherited a lot of money at a young age
He really needs to grow up

Just an observation but a 25yo visiting his parents one a month, when living in another town, seems really frequent to me. Not rare at all. Rare would be once or twice a year.

Not telling you when he's coming makes it hard for your DD to arrange not to have her friend the ex there. But also indicates that your DS still sees your home as his and feels comfortable just turning up. That's quite 'close' family behaviour for a 25yo.

Well I’m going to take the OP at face value and make the assumption that she did not neglect her child. The man has had a very good early adult life that does not point to neglect. In fact it’s offensive to children who have actually been neglected to say “waaah you like your sister better than me”