Page 15 | DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

alizea · 2025-01-23T01:51:45+00:00

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money. In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews. Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult. Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America. He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram. I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down. AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

onwardsupwardsandbeyond · 23/01/2025 08:01

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/01/2025 05:03

Ahh...

Yeah you've done such a cracking job he feels so very secure with the safety net you've provided all his life that he can pick out the tiny bits that, with the benefit of the hindsight you never had, he can find fault with from his childhood...

And say 'screw you I am fucking off around the world and it is too difficult to have to consider your feelings whilst I do this, so I won't bother' ...

Safe in the knowledge that if it all goes tits up, you'll help him, because you love him, ever so.

'Off you pop dear, have a lovely time and I hope you learn more about the world and being a grown up living in it. Hopefully you'll know where to find us when you return to planet normal-person...'

And then seriously contemplate moving house to somewhere delightfully impractical without a spare room for him when he returns.

Im not saying kids should be raised like some of us were, safe in the knowledge that we ever dare question a single thing, we'd be told (in so many words or not) to fuck off and not come back...

But a middle ground would be nice, the current system seems to protect children from the concept that their parents are actual people with actual feelings for far too long and you get this 'I can be incredibly hurtful to these people because they love me and won't tell me when/if I am being a monumentally massive prick' situation.

This 100%.

I also believe that perceptions vary, as they say. I have 2 DC, young still, and we're all close and happy but I can see one child - the one who I'd say is more anxious/unstable - already have a tendency to pick up on differences and saying things are unfair when in fact, if anything, this child has had more emotional support.

This whole NC thing is an epidemic.

I also sometimes wonder - and I may be wrong here - that some of the root cause is the increased polarisation across the board but especially in the younger generations. Also think those on the spectrum are more likely to go down the NC route.

PreferMyAnimals · 23/01/2025 08:01

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

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I am the eldest and had the smallest room. I guess someone had to! I don't think there was any thought gone into who should have what room that I am aware of, but I do remember throwing it at my parents once as evidence that they favoured her. I still think they did. They had a higher standard of behaviour for me, she got away with so much more, I do think my mother liked her better. The small room was really just part of a pattern I felt at the time. Recently my mother did tell me that I should take them expecting more of me than my sister as a compliment. It's still unfair? Nothing to estrange over though.

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 08:01

alizea · 23/01/2025 07:31

He has level 1 and 2, he sat his level 2 in the summer before going travel but basically ran level 1 and 2 into each other (beginning study for level 2 as soon as he got the results from level 1) he also has a masters and we are very very proud of him and his achievements and he has cited that as being partially why he needs a break away from work/family for a year as since he started uni he has basically worked himself into the ground.

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Seems fair enough doesn't it. He's a grown man. Let him spread his wings.

Oreyt · 23/01/2025 07:59

Sounds like he could be joining a cult 🤔

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2025 07:59

AgnesX · 23/01/2025 07:33

This narrative really irritates me. Not everyone lived like that.

Fewer people went to university, mortgages actually that easy to get, especially if you were a single not very well paid woman. And as for the final salary schemes I (who's one of these older generations) missed that particular boat as well, not to mention being on the receiving end of pension age increases.

Throughout the 80s and 90s mortgage rates were higher or similar to those now.

Where I do have sympathy - and again as an older person who's not benefitted from the housing explosion - is the cost of property.

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Definitely not everyone, that’s why I deliberately said “a lot of it”. My parents haven’t got a pension between them as they wasted all their self employment incomes on materialistic nonsense. But that’s another story…

Agree the cost of property is the worst factor in all of this. My husband and I both earn very well and work incredibly hard, salaries most people would dream of (or assume set you up for life) yet we’re in a tiny shit flat in outer London that needs more repairs than the we can afford.

Q for another thread but WHO is in all of London’s three-bed semis?!

oakleaffy · 23/01/2025 07:58

@alizea Kids before emails and mobile phones have always travelled-
I didn’t have a smart phone or own laptop when DS went travelling for a year-

I’d get a 2am phone call, standing in a dark and draughty hall where the landline was -

In a way it was probably easier
We’d send letters and would get the phone calls from public phone boxes Whistler Canada 🇨🇦 Or wherever they were.

As others have said, these more privileged and spoiled kids do seem to throw it back in their parent’s faces- like throwing a monumental strop despite being given so much .

At 25 he’s not a kid , and the inheritance has probably allowed him to bankroll this girl whom he doesn’t know well.

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:57

DustyLee123 · 23/01/2025 07:48

@JandamiHash I agree. My DD has pulled away from us, only answers my occasional message when she feels like it ( I hardly ever message for fear of being called controlling or something, but no doubt in the future I’ll be accused of not caring/bothering)
She was brought up in a semi rural village, had every experience she wanted, including a costly and time consuming hobby, but now she says she hates where she grew up, and she wishes she’d grown up in the city where everything happens. I also suspect that she would like to have been an only child. You just can’t win.

I think there could be an argument for young adults doing some type of national service of living in really neglectful conditions.

Original poster

alizea · 23/01/2025 07:56

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

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We have a 5 bedroom house, DS has always had the 4th bedroom, it isn’t small (small double I’d say), this was his nursery. When DD1 was born we decided to have him keep his room as to a toddler we felt it would be worse kicking him out of his room for a new baby than just giving the baby a room he was seldom in anyway. When DD2 was born we moved DD1 into bedroom 2 as she was older and had bigger toys than DS ever did (dolls pram, cot, dolls house etc), then it just stayed like that. DS was sporty and active and social. He spent his life either out on his bike with friends or on the trampoline etc. so it didn’t make sense for him to have a bigger room. His sisters were much more likely to spend time in their own rooms playing.
There was a slight argument when he was a teen as he felt the girls had the 2 biggest room was unfair since they played in each others rooms but he only ever used his, but when we looked at it he still didn’t have as much “stuff”. It seemed fair at the time but I can see on reflection it might not have been.

OP posts:

JoanCollinsDiva · 23/01/2025 07:56

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

Agree with everything you've said.

There have been a few posts like this on MN lately.

Hopefully he'll grow up a bit whilst he travelling, maybe see a bit of poverty and realise how lucky he is.

Sending love OP 💐 id be devastated if one of mine said/did that. It's something I can imagine second eldest doing (he's a 20yo social justice warrior with a bit of a victim complex 😂)

Didimum · 23/01/2025 07:55

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

This made me laugh and I think there’s a lot of validity in it.

I’m sorry to say my DH’s brother did almost exactly this in his early 20s. He’s 30 now, still hot-footing it round the globe with low or no contact (which is fine if you’re not a little twerp about it but unfortunately he is).

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:55

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2025 07:23

I’d imagine a lot of it is down to the older generation having lived in relatively prosperous times, with more disposable money, lower mortgages and perks like final salary pensions while doing absolutely shit all to set the next generation up for success. Oh, and while also dismissing the absolute turmoil of being a young professional during an unprecedented CoL crisis who knows they’ll need to work themselves to near burnout until their 70s and beyond.

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I don’t think the OP’s son, as someone who’s been travelling, been to university and lived alone, can be accused of being victim to the CoL crisis.

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Considering that some posters say that their childhood was over because their mum shouted at them once, no I don’t expect to. Parents are expected to behave perfectly in a way that suits all their children at all times these days and it’s a ridiculous notion

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 07:51

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

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I'm assuming they moved house at some point

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:50

Paisleyandpolkadots · 23/01/2025 03:59

One of my children was like this. You'd think he'd been raised by wolves the way he carried on. He had a very indulged childhhoold with both parents present and no shortage of money, time or atttention being spent on him. We were liberal parents too. Yes, he too claimed that his sibling had received more attention - and he had because his sibling had struggled in school and needed extra coaching while the aggrieved child was very academically gifted.

I think young people go through a stage of comparing their actual parents with some deified version of perfection - parents who never snap, get fed up or say the wrong thing and who are totally selfless. They don't seem to think parents are actually people with wishes and hopes and dreams of their own. My son eventually got past this - probably after seeing children who were really neglected. Working as a student in a half way house for troubled teens with a predilection for knives and drugs did wonders for his perception of parenting skills.

I totally agree and it’s very scary - I have one DC with a chronic illness who requires a lot of care when he has flare ups and while my other DC seems to be largely unaffected I worry she’s gonna get it in her head that she was “neglected”

Notellinganyone · 23/01/2025 07:50

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2025 03:12

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had
I agree @JandamiHash and I think social media has a lot do do with it. Instagram and the like are full of this. Young people are encouraged to criticise their childhood and everything the way their parents brought them up, to an extreme degree so that almost all of them will decide their parents were neglectful or failed them.

Yes. This has happened to me. You can’t argue- it will achieve nothing. Let him go and as others say - hopefully he will grow up. The whole trauma narrative- when there is no real trauma- is upsetting and frustrating.

Butchyrestingface · 23/01/2025 07:50

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

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Alternatively, his sisters might have been encouraged to have less 'stuff'.

Why did they even have more stuff than him? Presumably if they were children, they couldn't buy their own stuff and it must have been bought for them by others. Were they rewarded with more goodies even then?

NewdayNewstartin2025 · 23/01/2025 07:50

Arseynal · 23/01/2025 07:44

All your “fairness” has left him with the shitty end of the stick. It’s only “fair” that he gets the smallest room because his younger sisters have more stuff. It’s only fair that he gets the bus and his sisters get lifts because…well it’s just fairer that way. It’s only fair that his sister is allowed to go around saying he’s awful because her friend doesn’t like him. It’s only fair that when he comes to visit his mum his ex girlfriend is there because she moved back and he didn’t and for some reason her and his sister who thinks he’s awful can’t go to her house.

The room and the lifts is small stuff, but annoying when you are the one with the small room and the wait at the bus stop. You hosting his ex after a really messy break up is a “fuck you”. He probably shouldn’t have shit on his own doorstep but now he has it would be nice if his mum was on his side. It would be nice if his sister didn’t think she could live at her mums while being a dick to her mums other child. Being unwelcome now has probably made him think of those small things in the past where his sisters wants have been prioritised over his and he’s pissed off about it, despite being a grown man living independently. You probably would have been better off saying “yeah, it was a bit crap that you got the small room and we never took you anywhere and we have your ex over all the time” instead of “but your sisters wanted the bigger rooms, your sisters wanted lifts, your sister thinks you are awful and wants your ex here”
That said, it is a bit dramatic but it’s not better to just go and grey rock you, which was the easier option for him.

This 100 @alizea

Totally changed my view after the drip feed. You are showing lack of support with ex always there and sister siding with ex.

Poor chap who has worked himself into the ground needs space from the lot of you. Imagine painful break up with sister taking sides and giving you her version of problems then you having ex there when he visits. That's not neutral.

I hope he has a great gap year from endless studies with a new lady.

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 07:50

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2025 07:23

I’d imagine a lot of it is down to the older generation having lived in relatively prosperous times, with more disposable money, lower mortgages and perks like final salary pensions while doing absolutely shit all to set the next generation up for success. Oh, and while also dismissing the absolute turmoil of being a young professional during an unprecedented CoL crisis who knows they’ll need to work themselves to near burnout until their 70s and beyond.

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And don't forget all the covid shit!

supersop60 · 23/01/2025 07:49

BogRollBOGOF · 23/01/2025 07:43

He's 25, he's doing well in life. Let him have the personal space he needs.

The ex-girlfriend situation sounds rather enmeshed, and it's not suprising that he needs space from that situation.

The ability to keep in touch regularly while travelling is very new. When I went travelling for months about 15 years ago, smart phones were still niche, roaming data extorotionate and it was still the phase of logging on to desk top computers in internet cafes, in hostels to check emails and facebook and finding pay phones for a sporadic check-in. At that point in time it wasn't worth taking a mobile phone. Kindles hadn't quite come in so it was book swapping for entertainment.

15 years ago a young adult didn't need to "lay down boundaries" about going lower contact, because it wasn't assumed that you'd be in touch constantly.

This is the first generation expected to live near literally in their parents' pockets and be constantly in touch. Their ability to be spontaneous has been curtailed by being mindful of embarassing things being put on social media (plus pandemic restrictions ripping through university life). When they take a step back from it all, it all sounds rather dramatic and formal. Previous generations could do it much more naturally.

Exactly! My parents were happy to get a postcard once in a while.
My DS and his GF went to New Zesland last year. (both 20 at the time) and it was lovely to receive WhatsApp photos and know they were OK.
At 25, you would expect to be independent and not having to check in with parents.

Mauro711 · 23/01/2025 07:49

I am totally on your son's side here. You have been completely insensitive to him and his needs. Making him have the smallest room and not giving him lifts when you treated your daughters the oppposite way was the start of it for him. How you treated the break-up was awful. It might have been just a 3 year relationship but for him this was the first, most important relationship he had ever had.

I can't imagine how I would feel if my parents refused to side with me and support me when I went through my divorce and instead had my exh over to their house and carried on as if nothing had happened. They had known my ex 20-odd years so probably longer than you have known your DDs friend but no way would I have been OK with that when the breakup was so acrimonious. I would have definitely distanced myself from them if they had done that.

DustyLee123 · 23/01/2025 07:48

@JandamiHash I agree. My DD has pulled away from us, only answers my occasional message when she feels like it ( I hardly ever message for fear of being called controlling or something, but no doubt in the future I’ll be accused of not caring/bothering)
She was brought up in a semi rural village, had every experience she wanted, including a costly and time consuming hobby, but now she says she hates where she grew up, and she wishes she’d grown up in the city where everything happens. I also suspect that she would like to have been an only child. You just can’t win.

Coriol · 23/01/2025 07:48

lopyrs · 23/01/2025 07:38

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Or, are these the children of the "but we took you to stately homes" thread type parents.

It really isn't possible to know both sides to stories like this. I know people who really struggle to process their childhoods and their parents are completely oblivious. Especially when it comes to favouring, daughters are so often favoured, I see it in my own family but the mothers would fiercely deny it.

I’m not suggesting this is in any way relevant to the OP at all, but yes. My own parents, whom I love, were dreadful parents, and have absolutely no idea to this day. It’s not their fault (both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds, not parented themselves, both timid, withdrawn people with little or no exposure to others’ ways of doing things), and there was no benefit to me in telling them I am still dealing with the fallout in my 50s. They don’t have the emotional capacity to understand. (Opposite in our house — DB, the baby, and only son, very much got preferential treatment, probably from a combination of no housework being expected from boys and more resources by the time he was born.)

TL;DR. It’s perfectly possible to be a decent human being and not realise glaring flaws in your parenting.

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

PreferMyAnimals · 23/01/2025 06:41

Yes, even towards the ex-gf.

Please read @Machya 's post just before this one, OP. I think this is why your son needs space. All the other stuff is just coming up because of this issue, is what I'd guess.

Give him his space. He might need some cooling down time. However, he should still be checking in with someone regularly for his own safety.

Edited

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I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

Newbie887 · 23/01/2025 07:46

Impossible to tell if he is being reasonable about feeling his childhood was emotionally neglectful, so I won’t comment on that…but a 25 year old meeting someone of the opposite sex and wanting to go travelling with them is perfectly normal. At that age I had a big group of mixed gender friends and we would all hang out and travel together. We weren’t perverts, or drug traffickers. He is 25 ffs and that is the age when you are dating and having fun, so travelling with a girl is totally normal 😂

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 07:46

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 07:11

So you hardly see him and every time he turns up his ex was there? Fucking hell OP can you hear yourself? As she lives "right round the corner" would it be inconceivable for your dd to socialise with her friend at her house?

Your ds has made the right decision. He needs a break from you.

I agree I think he's got valid cause to be pissed off