DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

With due respect op, your son reminds me that young people can be just as big wankers as us oldies (who they blame for everything).

Your son is a wanker.

Love the advice you have been given to follow him on instagram and to post on there evidence of you living your best life too (will probably infuriate him no doubt because he thinks he's at the centre of your universe).

We only have ourselves to blame for this nonsense. I don't have children, but the world makes out it is the most important thing a woman can do with her life. Your son has freed you to prove this wrong for yourself. Enjoy the freedom.

But you have that awareness. You start dealing with it now, acknowledge that at times you have to focus on other DC due to needs, you recognise there is an expectation for her to get on, but you still love her etc. Give her some special 1:1 time where she is prioritised.

My dm (now passed), was by no means perfect however she always said we were treated 'equally/fairly' this does not mean treated the same, it depends on the person and their needs at that time.

That is tough sorry this is happening. It does sound like he has been radicalised by bad psycotherapy or pop psychology. At the end of the day he is an independent adult an he will push back if you try to change his mind. Just say "we are here if you need us" and respect his wishes (assuming you still feel that way after what he has done).

You think he should have asked before he visited? Like a guest? Sure that would make him feel like one of the family...

This is an excellent reply. Fully agree.

Op

also needs to ban the ex from the home - this shows that she has made her line in the sand and whose side she is really on

Especially if you had reason to believe that your ex had cheated on you during the relationship. The OP states that her son says his ex cheated on him, but "couldn't prove it'. If I thought that my ex had cheated on me and my mother's response was that I "couldn't prove it" I would not want to speak to her much either.

It was right while they were younger but actually once they'd grown up and were playing in each other's rooms a lot I can see his point. I still think it's the ex girlfriend that's the main issue here

Of COURSE it was right that the girls with bigger toys were given more space for their toys

I was booted out of my massive bedroom to make room for my second brother so they could share a large room - the smaller room was just as nice, got the morning sun .

He later moved vintage pinball machines in there.

Loads of kids are growing up sharing bedrooms -

They don’t act like brats over it.

Well it would be easier to ensure the ex wasn't spending time with his sister, in the sisters home when he visited if he announced his visits in advance, rather than just turning up unannounced.

That sounds almost like he's trying to catch you out, or just has no notion that other people have lives too and your household is not only 'his retreat'. It does not fall into suspended animation when he's not there.

The more you post the sorrier I feel for your son and better understand his reasoning. He should be able to visit his own home and family without dreading bumping into his ex. The same ex who selfishly wanted him to sit with her while she was studying and neglect his own studies. The ex who has split the family with her bestie, his sister, totally supporting her. The lack of sensitivity for him and his feelings over the break up is mind boggling. Who supported him while his ex was in and out of your home?
Now the younger daughter is following friend /girlfriend to keep tabs on him. Why can you not respect his boundaries?
Your other DD really is the queen in all of this isn't she? No care for her brother and his feelings. Parents who support her and her friend by choosing them over her brother. Like others have said the drip feed on this has been extraordinary.

Hope your son goes on to have a great life.

It's really interesting and concerning that after the initial post which was entirely context free about the son's grievances, he was instantly accused of being a privileged brat who is creating drama for attention.

From the subsequent posts it feels like he may have legitimate reasons for feeling hurt but we still don't know the full story or the full reasons for him wanting this space from his family.

There's an assumption that children raised in nice middle class families don't have any rights to feel neglected/abused/sidelined etc but that's absolute crap.

This happens across every part of society, every earnings/wealth bracket and social class. This is clearly evidenced on here time and time again.

Instantly validating the OP with such sparse information and context is incredibly unhelpful because it gives no cause or space to really reflect on what might be behind this shift and I'd bet it's not really about bedrooms.

Sometimes it's hard to verbalise the feelings you have and apply tangible examples. That doesn't mean the feelings aren't real.

Clearly this breakup has badly affected him and it's complicated by his sister and ex being friends but clearly it feels to him like he's the bad guy and she's still retained the support and friendship of his family members which must sting.

Your son has clearly grown up in a very traditionally gendered environment. That may play into how he feels. Sometimes it might be 'about the room but not about the room'. I suspect you've had very different expectations of his sisters than him.

He may end up like my DH - a super high achiever because it's the only time his parents show pride in him and he feels he can never achieve enough to be good enough.

It sounds as though he has been doing a lot of navel-gazing to pick holes in his childhood, and this no-contact rule is a way of seeking attention - he wants to feel 'different' and 'special'. Leave him to it. You haven't done anything wrong. No-one's childhood is perfect. He'll realise that sooner or later, especially if he later becomes a parent himself.

I think the room thing is very trivial and he's clutching at straws.

It doesn't always go "eldest gets the biggest room" for reasons you've stated. Our eldest had the smaller downstairs bedroom when he hit the teenage years and we had another baby as it's closer to the fridge (his favourite place!) and he could mooch about without disturbing us.

“Arseynal · Today 07:44

All your “fairness” has left him with the shitty end of the stick. It’s only “fair” that he gets the smallest room because his younger sisters have more stuff. It’s only fair that he gets the bus and his sisters get lifts because…well it’s just fairer that way. It’s only fair that his sister is allowed to go around saying he’s awful because her friend doesn’t like him. It’s only fair that when he comes to visit his mum his ex girlfriend is there because she moved back and he didn’t and for some reason her and his sister who thinks he’s awful can’t go to her house.
The room and the lifts is small stuff, but annoying when you are the one with the small room and the wait at the bus stop. You hosting his ex after a really messy break up is a “fuck you”. He probably shouldn’t have shit on his own doorstep but now he has it would be nice if his mum was on his side. It would be nice if his sister didn’t think she could live at her mums while being a dick to her mums other child. Being unwelcome now has probably made him think of those small things in the past where his sisters wants have been prioritised over his and he’s pissed off about it, despite being a grown man living independently. You probably would have been better off saying “yeah, it was a bit crap that you got the small room and we never took you anywhere and we have your ex over all the time” instead of “but your sisters wanted the bigger rooms, your sisters wanted lifts, your sister thinks you are awful and wants your ex here”
That said, it is a bit dramatic but it’s not better to just go and grey rock you, which was the easier option for him.”

@alizea : This with bells on. You have been very careless of your son’s feelings. Why did you studiously remain neutral when he split with his GF? He was hurt and needed your support but you put his GF and your DD ahead of him. You have let him down.

She knows what the problem is - it's the issue of them pandering to an ex who hates him and has nixed his relationship with his sister - yet still feels welcome to put her feet up in the parental home. To the point he can't drop in to see his own parents without the risk of bumping into her.

I'd probably go travelling too.

But OP said it was about the resources available at the time. My sister went on holidays abroad and had new clothes while I got taken camping in Wales and wore hand-me-downs. That’s not because she was the favourite (although maybe she is 😂) but because when I was a kid my parents were pretty poor- my mother was a student and my dad spent time on strike and self employed. When my sister came along my mother was in a good job and they were much more stable financially. Maybe the DS here couldn’t have a lift because the only car was being used, or maybe little sister was napping at the time and the parent couldn’t go out when he needed to leave.

The relationship issue is tricky as the ex is a close friend of one of the sisters. It seems like the parents were going to upset either their son or their daughter and by staying neutral that’s come across as unsupportive. It does sound as if DS is having a flounce, but hopefully he will get over it while he’s away.

But can you understand that this will seem disloyal?
Your dd could go to her friends house and after your ds arriving home once and finding his ex with her feet under the table this could have been a time to consider his feelings.

You're feelings are now you are worried about him and he isn't now taking your feelings into account, is he? So its upset you

Ok so youve made mistakes, don\t we all. Now is the time to fess up and say actually we have made some mistakes and we need to own those mistakes and try and repair the relationship between us. Send him travelling with your best wishes, let him know you'll be following him on instagram and you'll respect his wishes and not contact him - hoping that on his return you can really work not he relationship between you

I can imagine he does, it feels never ending! No one really understands how much constant work and pressure it all brings, work is full on and competitive and your life is consumed with study. MUCH harder than uni IMO.

I do agree that he most probably feels the disloyalty with his ex hanging around his home (emotional home) even when he’s not there.

I will never understand why people don't at least read all of the OP's updates before they comment. You can just click on "see all" in any OP post and read straight through them.

No it doesn't

Why did you apologise and ask how to make it better when you didn't know what he meant and were taken aback by it? You are just feeding his incorrect global notion that you neglected him. I would respond with something more along the lines of asking him what does he mean by neglected, has he got examples and then talk them through. This may take time and there might be things you can acknowledge and apologise for but these would be real specific things that you agree on, not a global taking responsibility for every upset of his without even knowing what they are. It's a normal phase to think about ways your parents let you down but it's also completely normal that parents WILL let their kids down - it doesn't mean you were neglectful. These things can be repaired but if he doesn't want to engage about it there's not much you can do. In that case I would say something like 'I am sorry to hear you feel neglected, that's not my experience at all, however I am really happy to talk through any specific examples of it so that I can get to understand your perspective better. In the meantime I would feel more comfortable you travelling the world knowing that either I or someone else knows where you are and who you are with for safety reasons- could we come to some kind of compromise around that?'

I think the thing I would focus on here is "they played in each others' rooms but he only used his". That might speak to a sense of loneliness and exclusion at home that goes back a lot further than you might have realised. It feels like he might never really have felt properly valued as part of the family.

It's understandable not to have picked up on it at the time but that doesn't mean his feelings are incomprehensible or unreasonable.