DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

You’ve apologised and tried to explain - it’s now time to stop letting him beat you up.

I would wish him all the best and maybe get some counselling yourself.
It does seem the more privileged they’ve been the more they bear a grudge. He’s loved, you provided a home and supported his sports and music lessons - parents are people too and stuff happens.
However he is an adult and it’s up to him the level of contact he has with you; hopefully he’ll come back later and appreciate you. Look after yourself now.

Yep, 100% this.

I think most children will be able to pick out 'unfairness' in their childhoods, because unless you parent children of different ages exactly the same way (which would probably mean them missing out since parents can't be in two places at once) then there will be differences.

I know my eldest thinks it's unfair that we ask her to do stuff that her sibling doesn't. However there are 2.5 years between them and its stuff that my youngest can't do yet (eg safely get a drunk themselves because of layout of the kitchen). Should we not be teaching the older one some independence because the younger one isn't ready for it yet? She thinks it's unfair that we stay with the youngest until they go to aleep...when we try this with the oldest it keeps her awake chatting. So we ha e a longer bed time awake with her instead, reading or playing, which she doesn't think about.

Your example of giving lifts is a good example of this, if both children need to be somewhere at the same time of course you prioritise the youngest on the basis that the 15 year old can get themselves somewhere. The 8 year old needing a lift is a need, the 15 year old needing a lift is a preference.

I do take pp point about the break up and how you still see his ex, and it must be hard they his sister has sided with her friend (who should not have involved your daughter). But siblings are always going to need slightly different things from their parents at different times, someone is always going to have the small room, someone is going to have to miss out having a parent there (we often miss school events because of work).

Where did I post that then?

My comment was my view based on OPs posts regarding her DS. It doesn't sound like he's experienced neither a neglectful nor abusive upbringing?

Plus is that fact that he's inheritance of 50k + savings does indeed mean he has the luxury of going travelling, or does it not?

OMG, that made me feel sick just reading it.

Will he be in touch with his siblings, so you will at least know he's OK? Could you persuade him to let you know he's OK, once per month?

Has he had therapy/counselling?

Absolutely spot on

its the rise in therapy speak and Americanisms and social media turning people into navel gazing narcissists with trauma

Ouch. This is it. “it seemed odd to ban someone from our house for the sake of the occasional visits DS would make”
There is a clear loyalty problem here.
She isn’t “someone”, she is the woman who hurt your son.
Can you see how hurtful it can be that your own parents and siblings prioritised a “stranger”’s feeling instead of yours?

Edited to say: Time to ban her from the house I’d say.

I'm an adult child who wanted for nothing in my childhood, in terms of material possessions. I was one of the first in my class to get a mobile phone. I had the latest consoles. I took my pick of the toys in the Argos catalogue, and Santa delivered every year without fail.

I also had bars over my window to stop me leaving the house. My bedroom door was removed from its hinges if I ever dared to close it. I walked on eggshells on Christmas's / Birthdays because if I didn't react the correct way in response to these lovely gifts ("oh, thank you" instead of "oh my God, it's amazing, I love it so much"), I would cause my mother to give everyone the silent treatment and the day would be ruined.

I can't speak for the Instagram generation, but certainly there are a lot of us in our 30s and 40s waking up to the realisation that what our parents called "tough love" was actually downright abuse. Now we have to protect our own kids from this, and sometimes going no / low contact is the safest way to do it.

The first time he ran into his ex in what should be a safe space for him you should have drawn a line and said it might be best if she didn't come round any more. Essentially you chose your daughter again because it was easier for you.

Everything is because it was easier for you.

Even picking looking at the 'smallest' thing, the ironing. Just imagine how galling it would be to be 16 and ironing on a Sunday night when you're sister isn't! But it would be easier for you.

I started reading this thread thinking your son was a bit of a wally, but he has a whole list of pretty fair points really.

If you think it would be acceptable ask if you can track his phone.

My son is travelling and is reassuring to look at it and know where he is in the world. No contact is needed between you two once it's set up.

We said if you get lost or something happens we would come and find you. This will give us a clue as to where you are.

We also made sure our passports were up-to-date in case we needed to go.

He might feel cared about if you do these two things.

I'd like to know more about the girl he has met.....

This.

I had a pretty bad childhood. I had so few of my needs met and I have been affected by it my entire life but I have never blamed my parents. As an adult, I am able to see that they were struggling too and doing their best or close to it.

In reality, they should not have had kids but it was the thing to do back then.

He sounds terribly self centred. He must know dropping this bomb and disappearing is a nasty thing to do rather than talk it through over weeks and months if need be and yes, if he is in a foreign country with a broken leg and no insurance, you will get the call as a 'test' to see how much you love him so start saving now OP.

@alizea It’s attention that he’s missing by the sounds of it.

I have two half brothers ( my mum died when I was very young, dad remarried)

The oldest IS the one who parents learn on.

I was made to eat what was given- and to clear my plate.

Aubergine, Mediterranean cooking when I yearned for fish fingers and chips.

When bros came along they were given children’s food- and could leave stuff on their plate- I did think that was unfair!

One of the reasons I only had one child was because so many people don’t get on with their siblings- especially as adults.

What really matters is attention and love.
Those are free.

Jealousy

But why this assumption that a good job and savings means life is peachy?

First post nailed it!

Op, I bet you have done nothing wrong. I too have kids around that age (slightly older), and honestly, sometimes the things they come out with about their childhood are absolute nonsense. If they had even a glimpse into my childhood they would see that.

I have indulged them beyond belief, spent a lot of money on them, taken them all over the world. I still pay for everything now (for eg. if we go out for a meal), even though they are working adults.

I think outside influence plays a part, as youngsters can be easily swayed. For eg. my son made a lot of friends at Uni who were from super rich families (multi millionaires), and even his (in my view) privileged life couldn't match up. My daughter lives with 3 people who hate their parents, and she has made a few things up about us, to fit in!

When my son went travelling, he refused to give us the itinerary. He tore strips off me for asking. All I said, was that someone (anyone) should have it, from a safety perspective. As in, if he didn't make it home, at least we could give the Police a starting point!! Apparently, that wasn't on. My daughter was travelling to the far east with no travel insurance, and tore strips off me for saying she really should get insurance, in case something happened. Her view was that she was careful, my view was that she could get run over by a moped, through no fault of her own, and end up with a hospital bill of £££££. You feel like saying oh fuck off then, or a saying my DH loves "fuck around and find out". I don't mean it, obviously!

I think the crux of it is, that they are my world, but I'm not theirs. It stings. but I guess it's the way of the world really.

Maybe we need a thread for parents of young adults?! 😝

All sounds very woe is me and lots of navel-gazing. The irony of being in the position of having 75k in the bank, and the luxury of travelling whilst bitching life's not fair 😅

I'd wish him bon voyage, and you'll see him when he gets back.

On the face of it, it does sound like he's navel gazing a bit and raking over the coals of old (possibly imagined - who can know?) injuries. However, the fact that you showed such little insight into, and therefore caused a massive dripfeed, over the issue with the ex girlfriend who has torpedoed his relationship with his sister, makes me think there's probably some justification for his feelings.

It's the issue with the ex that will have caused this recent schism and I'm still not convinced you've really taken the feedback on board about how disloyal and upsetting your 'neutrality' in the matter will have been for him. You don't need to be neutral where your own kid is concerned - you're not a high court judge on the bench at the Old Bailey.

There's a bunch of people posting to the thread in support on you who have CLEARLY not read all of your posts.

spot on exactly what I was thinking

He's really not a wanker. He's hurting. He doesn't feel wanted by his family.

1 and 3 are understandable, however 2 I'm 🤔

Sounds a bit controlling expecting a kid to have a spotless room and iron his own uniform. What does "spotless" even mean? Did your dds also have the same rules?

Im getting a bit of an overall picture of a very rigid household here?

@alizea with every subsequent post you are building a clear picture of his sisters being favoured and prioritised.
Your reasons for that may feel valid to you but to a kid they won't and it sounds like that hurt has built to now where his ex girlfriend is hanging out with his family which he's found upsetting.

OP I can imagine how devastating this is for you, I really hope you can get through this and become close to your DS.

At twenty three I went back home after a devastating break up with long term boyfriend to find some comfort from my parents and home. They couldn’t have been more useless and just talked about themselves, no empathy and had no idea how rock bottom I was). I decided then and there to never share anything vulnerable with them again and I never have. (forty years)

The feelings you have at a time like this can be so powerful. PPs are saying your son could be spoiled indulged etc but maybe he is feeling powerful emotions of not feeling loved and supported where he needs to. Just because the facts seem fair to you OP it is not necessarily all about logical fairness with his siblings but wanting to feel equally loved and cared for. The welcoming of his ex, feeling home isn’t somewhere where he comes first with you (together with fam)rooms, lifts are how he perceived you really feel about him, not what you say you feel. Also I imagine he feels betrayed by his sister’s lack of support.

He might not have shown this previously but I think you are very fortunate he has been able to articulate his point of view to you and is in a way still hoping you can see what has happened to him. Some DC would simply go and withdraw without you ever knowing why. So you have something to work with. Hopefully you can write him an old style letter or talk to him before he leaves and tell/show as much as possible how you care and honour how he feels with understanding.

We try to do our best as parents but of course we fall down. So many families have these hidden hurts. I think we all have a longing to be seen, understood and loved in our families from all generations, as parents too. I hope you can emerge from this with a truer connection with him OP.

I can see how he felt it was unfair but we were doing our best.

It's that language "he felt it was unfair" you don't actually seem to agree it was unfair. Life is unfair so I'd start by acknowledging that these things sucked for him.