DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

Perhaps during his travels it's time to address the imbalance and encourage the 23 yo to move out and become an adult.

I suspect our eldest feels the same way, but navel gazing is banned in our house. She knows I have absolutely always done my best. And I apologize whole heartedly when I get it wrong.

Step away from the 'stuff' comment. I feel like that is a side issue.

The important thing here to me is he felt unsupported during a tough break up. You stayed 'neutral'. Your daughter sided with her best friend and fed you best friend version of break up. He sounds like he feels unheard and sidelined by his family. She's even there when he comes 'home '.

I don't blame him for wanting space and distance.

I can see your son’s point. You do clearly favour your daughters and even your daughter’s friend. Imagine coming home twice after a break-up and your ex is there, being consoled by your own mum and sister whilst they blame you for the break-up.

I highly suspect you favoured your daughters and continue to do so. Listen to what he's saying. Listen to him like you do your daughters.

Sounds like you have done something seriously wrong with this DD, 23, never living away from home and acting like this is pathetic of her.

Did the DD’s have their own bathroom too?

Oh. Leave him to it and don’t pick up the pieces when he crawls back needing help.

So the younger sister is only 2 years younger? How come you were much more relaxed with her then? You make it sound like there is a deceade between them and that you became more relaxed over time and you financial situation changed.

Also, your son might be independent and successfull but he's unhappy and feels unloved, surely that's much worse. He's most likely not actually confident, he's just not vulnerable to you so you wouldn't know because all you do is dismiss his feelings and try and explain why he shouldn't feel how he's feeling. Having a young man who is actually trying to open up to you to talk about things that matter is rare, you need to listen to him and start showing him that you love him.

“However now they are adults I actually feel we did a better job with DS, he is independent, successful and confident. I wish we had expected more from our girls as comparably they struggle with things DS never did (DD still calls me asking what washing powder to get for example and has never lived away from home despite being 23 next month). I do get that it would have sucked for DS though.”

I have been hard on you in my previous posts. I’m sure you got a lot right. But it’s good you acknowledge how this must have felt to him. Now seems like a good time to acknowledge that to him.

In my experience all parents relax over time - it’s only natural. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a bit for the oldest child. Just wait until your DS sees how relaxed you are as grandparents! I had a decent childhood but it still stings a little watching my parents dote over my DC, buying them everything they want, never forcing them to have one more bite of broccoli.

The ex-girlfriend thing does seem pretty unfair but Op seems able to reflect.

It's hard to let go of something if it's still happening, and the sisters and even ex are higher up the pecking order than the son. That shines through OP's posts.

As an example, there have been a couple of times I've brought up things with my mother and it maintains the damage because the pattern keeps repeating, keeps disappointing and she keeps not supporting me. She gaslights, shuts down anything that doesn't suit her narrative.

I was recently diagnosed with a medical condition I've had all my life. I've been thinking about when it started and reflecting on my entire lifespan for possible signs. I was talking to my mother about this, thinking it's a fairly neutral subject, no accusations for something we didn't know, and I mentioned how I'd always had pain in the mornings as a teenager (she told me then it was anxiety though I didn't bring that up). She said very firmly she wasn't having this conversation and besides, she had taken me to a homeopath when I was 12! Lesson: I still can't talk to her, trust her to support me, and why do I bother because I just get disappointed. From now on I just stick to the weather.

I think that the things he has told you about could hurt. I also think that your DS should get over himself, it sounds like he had supportive parents who kept him safe, loved him, gave him the tools and pushed him to succeed, which he has done.

I think that the volume of complaints is a smoke screen. He is pissed off about one of them, probably the break-up, and wants to punish you. The other things mentioned are just to make up the numbers and help him to justify his behaviour.

In your position I would say you understand that those things must have hurt, wish him a safe trip and hope it all goes ok.

Not read the whole thread. As much as this would break my heart it sounds like some space would be a good thing. You can't move on from a break up if you go home to your "safe space" and your ex is there.

He's 25, intelligent and has money. Remind him to get good travel insurance, read the laws of the countries he's visiting and NEVER carry anything through customs for anyone else. Tell him you love him and to have a good time. Send a silent prayer to the Universe that he stays safe and then keep busy.

I'd be worried too. You sound like caring parents. He's 25 you need to abide by his decision. Equally don't fund his trip. If he comes asking for money.

Honestly your ds's complaints about the favouritism growing up are pathetic. I wouldn't give them headspace. He sounds quite immature if he's holding on to those grudges at his age.
Regarding the break up with his ex, it was a terrible error of judgment to go out with a good friend of his dsis. There was always going to be a possibility they would break up and his dsis and you would be in an awkward position.
I think you should respect his wishes and give him space. However I would draw the line at following him on Instagram. I would imagine it would feel quite hurtful watching him on Instagram but not being allowed to communicate with him.

There are a few positives here op

1. he's told you his plans.
2. he has is own money so won't need to make unsafe choices based on lack of finances.

A loose 4 would be how much he's telling you/DH of why he feels let down etc

Yes, I can see that was a bit flippant. Hope it didn't offend too much.

He is massively naval gazing but you are still all over it with the “it seemed fair to prioritise his sisters” I’ve got 4dc with a 7yr gap and we have changed financially and in terms of available time through their childhoods so their experiences are different, I “get” it, but if one has a nativity and one has an important match then the parents split. You don’t suddenly have to pick an 8yo up, their lives don’t run like that. You’ve made an arrangement to collect your 15yo and then done something last minute with your 8yo that means your 15yo is left. You’ve let one of your kids dictate the menu for all the others for no good reason. You’ve been harsher on one of your kids than the others and you are still saying it was fair. Would you still host your dds ex boyfriend if he was shagging other women? Or even if he wasn’t?

My son worked on ships. Seven weeks on, seven off. All over the world. Different time zones. We rarely heard from him. When he was off holidayed in far flung places, again we rarely heard anything, just pictures.

Let him travel, heal, see the world. It's an eye opener for them.

“rubiconartist · Today 08:21

** with every subsequent post you are building a clear picture of his sisters being favoured and prioritised.
Your reasons for that may feel valid to you but to a kid they won't and it sounds like that hurt has built to now where his ex girlfriend is hanging out with his family which he's found upsetting.”

@alizea This also with bells on. And you really let him down over the breakup. All parents fuck up to some degree. You need to recognise that you have fallen into habits of prioritising your DD and her feelings. You need to own this and stop with the “we were doing our best” stuff which sounds feeble. Actually no-one is doing their best all the time. You weren’t doing your best over the split. You were doing what felt easiest to do. Believe me, I’ve been guilty of that also, as a parent. But it’s best if you acknowledge that and admit you’ve let him down. Because you have. And as another poster said, the posters who are still supporting you and criticising your son clearly haven’t read your updates.

With respect there aren’t many mothers that enjoy no contact from their own children, nor feel any sense of freedom from the lack of communication. Our children are dearly loved, and we enjoy spending time with them.

Yes, as I've read all the OP's posts I feel a bit sorry for him.

He sounds like a high-achieving sort seeking to impress his parents and always falling a bit short.

It doesn't mean you aren't good parents OP, you obviously love him very much. But I'd have a long conversation with him - tell him you have mulled over everything and can see where he is coming from and that you've made mistakes. Explain the reasons why you made those decisions at the time, but acknowledge that it is understandable that came to certain conclusionsas a result of them.

It doesn't sound like he's cutting you off but just wants a bit of a breather to think over things and find himself a bit.

And I agree with the poster who said the fact he has the confidence to do this, knowing he can come back and be welcomed with open arms is testament to his knowing you love and support him.

She isn’t “someone”, she is the woman who hurt your son.

Yes, but the son couldn't "PROVE" to his mother that she cheated on him so fuck him and the horse he rode in on. Must be completely fair and impartial at all times - even towards randos who hate and possibly cheated on your kid yet still want to put their feet up in your house.

The mother favours her daughters. She even favours the ex who hates him and has driven a wedge between her children.

The son knows this.
The daughter knows this.
The ex knows this.

Only person who DOESN'T know this is the OP.

“I think the crux of it is, that they are my world, but I'm not theirs. It stings. but I guess it's the way of the world really.”
@Blondiebeachbabe

THIS ☝️

Mum ( adoptive mum) says kids don’t care for their parents like parents care for their children.

I think she is correct.

Your comment sums it up.

I like to think I have a good relationship with young adult son- ( I helped with house deposit, but he didn’t have an easy privileged childhood - ( Divorce &c)

However one can never take things for granted.

My brother knows Uber wealthy people and if say the children aren’t fundamentally any happier than poorer kids.

It might not have been necessary to ban the ex from the house completely but it might have been possible to have a discussion with him and your DD about it where you made clear that you recognised it wasn't straightforward but that whilst DD should be able to continue to see her friend obviously you wanted him to be able to come to the family home when he could. That would have shown him that you had him and your attachment to him in mind. I really think just acknowledging that you can see how your actions could have been interpreted as lack of care, and how sad you are about that because you love him and care about him and really want to give him that sense of being valued, might get you somewhere. He might still want the space but it's going to be better for all of you if you can start rebuilding before he goes.