DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

I didn’t miss it. I’ve got 4 dc and 3 have done music exams in 4 different instruments. I know you can reorganise them. You don’t actually have to do them at all. I know you chose not to and that’s fine but let’s not pretend it wasn’t a choice. They also aren’t very long but I appreciate travel time is a factor. I know what a ballache it is with lots of kids doing lots of things but sometimes you need to say to “sorry, I can’t do that because your brother already needs me to do something with him”. Not always but sometimes. You don’t pick the same kid to miss out every time.

You must be able to see his point then. The girls know they're the favourite. You siding with his ex because she's close to your daughter while his heart was breaking - that's pretty unforgivable tbh. First love and first heartbreak is a big deal. Why didn't you just believe him? Sorry but you're reaping what you've sown here.

Great advise!

I would be worried. Especially as he seems so guarded about the new girlfriend. But the more you try to fight this, the more he will pull away

I don't think the gf is anything to worry about at all. It seems pretty obvious he's trying to keep her away from his family partly because of the overly enmeshed situation with his ex and also partly to punish them.

From what you've said she sounds normal and quite honestly, it's his prerogative to keep her under wraps for now.

My ds 16 has had a couple of gf's whom we've never met as he's a bit shy and were a loud family. I respect his privacy.

Also all the posters outraged about letting his ex come to the house seem to be missing that 'banning' her would have meant DD couldn't have her friend to the house she lived in.

The same friend who has been melting the sister's ears with stories of how awful her brother is, which has now seriously damaged the sibling relationship.

The sister not having her friend in the house is simply a consequence of the friend deciding to have a relationship with friend's brother and then a messy break up. That's the risk the friend ran. So did he - but it's HIS family and not hers.

All because he 'popped in' unannounced a couple of time s a year.

He'd maybe visit more frequently if he could be confident the ex who hates him wouldn't be there.

He's an adult, earning a living.
He'll do what he chooses, anyway.
And it's not "privileged children" turning onto parents, in my experience it's adults who finally realise after years of blaming themselves that their parents were shit and they want to be free from them as human beings.
Obviously not referring to OP.

And why did the girls have 'more stuff' anyway? Presumably because their parents bought them more stuff. It didn't just materialise out of nowhere!

Agree - there's definitely a much bigger backstory than we're getting. There's a lot of minimising going on by the OP - pointless if she actually wants to fix the relationship with her son. But I suspect she's actually more worried about having her self-image as a good parent damaged.

Also sounds like he's burnt out after the years of studying and really needs this break away from everything and everyone

This is quite a sad thread and there are a lot of thought provoking posts. Learning from my own relationship with my parents, I think just listening to your dc's feelings is extremely important. You don't have to agree or disagree, just let them feel heard.

Do not do this under any circumstances. Emotional blackmail and passive aggression are not the way forward.

I suspect there is a massive backstory. The son is likely only starting to make sense of how he felt as a child. The bigger rooms and more stuff for the girls are just a fraction of what must have been going on. It isn't about the rooms, it is about how all this made him feel. And he's entitled to feeling the way he feels.

He's 25.

I agree with @Toucanfusingforme

Sorry op but I can see exactly why your ds is acting like this, I imagine he not only needs space and a period of no contact as he's hurting, but also a way to show you how hurt he is. It could even be a type of punishment as he knows it will hurt you, but I think you need to listen to him and respect his wishes.

Perhaps ask him to have a talk about things before he leaves and ask him what you can do to improve the relationship and repair some of the damage. Listen, apologise and reassure him how much he's loved and how proud of him you are, make sure you focus on him as a person though, not just his independence or academic or career achievements. I don't think he feels seen as a person, more like the eldest child role model child that had a very different experience growing up as the eldest and male, to his younger sisters.

I really feel for him, I know all about sibling favouritism. Hopefully you can repair the damage to the relationship and perhaps even suggest going for some therapy together if that's something he'd be interested in. Not sure when though if he's off travelling soon. Has he still got a good relationship with your youngest dd?

Did the DD’s have their own bathrooms too as-well as the bigger rooms?

Did DS have to share a bathroom?

It must have been really hurtful for your son to try and surprise you with visits home to find is ex sitting there; it would have felt awkward and embarrassing, especially knowing his parents always back his sister and now even her friends are seen as a priority. We wouldn't feel welcome or comfortable in your home.

He's obviously a hard worker. financially independent and doesn't feel emotionally supported by your family. He's met someone new who is supportive and encouraging with no hidden agenda, just willing to go on a big adventure.

You need to look at it objectively; a financially independent 25 year old who feels unsupported by his parents, uncomfortable around his sister and unwelcome in their home will not be prioritising those people's needs unless he feels a strong loving connection.

If you want regular contact you'll need to try to see things from his point of view, be completely honest and transparent and address the past issues now because once he goes overseas that emotional distance will just increase.

Id wave him off , say the 'right' things and I think before you know it he'll be getting in touch. He'll reflect and hopefully realize he had a good life and is fortunate, misses his family etc.

The toy thing jumped out at me too. There was only two years between them – why did DD1 have so much more? Christmases and birthdays must've been pretty horrible for DS watching his sisters get so much more stuff.

Let;s hope that a year out travelling he'll grow up a bit and realise his resentments about his sisters are petty and silly. Maybe he'll get to talk to people who really have had difficult childhoods - I'd love him to talk to a few of the care leavers I know.

Also all the posters outraged about letting his ex come to the house seem to be missing that 'banning' her would have meant DD couldn't have her friend to the house she lived in. All because he 'popped in' unannounced a couple of time s a year.

Leave him to it and see how he is on his return.

^^ This

Just to add - I wasn't told I'd been kicked out at 18. I came home from university to find I no longer had a bedroom, it had been given to my sister and all my stuff chucked out. This might sound trivial to some but it was actually pretty devastating. I never returned home after that, apart from the odd night here and there. What your son describes as hard for him to deal with, that you are now minimising, like the bedroom stuff, might actually have been very hard for him indeed. Don't minimise his experience if you want a good relationship with him.

I feel that you are being too accepting of his version of his childhood. In three-child families you often get the two-against-one dynamic. My best friend (girl/youngest) had it with her siblings (boys/older).

I'd be interested to know the girls' version of events - they probably think that he was the favoured one! Is he going to cut them off, too?

A lot of this seems to stem from control. Situations he can't control like the perceived favouritism, the ex, the different expectations of siblings. And perhaps feeling controlled re the spotless bedroom and ironing.

My advice is to let him have the control he wants now. Once he has it, he may relent.

I would be worried. Especially as he seems so guarded about the new girlfriend. But the more you try to fight this, the more he will pull away.

I once went through a time of worry about my son. I applied this corporate exercise I did at work where you write down as many options for what you can do where there are no boundaries. I had about 30 things. 29 were impossible. One remained: love him.

Sometimes that's all you can do.

Wonderful comment.

This is such a sad thread. A 25yo adult with his own life and money being made out to be difficult and a brat for wanting space from his parents. I applaud him for sharing how he felt with his parents and make known his wishes. The thread is full of defensive parents who struggle to see their adult children as their own people.

OP, your son sharing with you how he felt is the best thing that could have happened to you. He's given you the opportunity to reflect and show him that you are able to respect his boundaries (I hope you will anyway). This is your pain to deal with now, it is not on your son to check in with you whilst travelling because you can't bear anything else. Take this time to do some work on yourself, the kind of work that enables you to accept his feelings about his childhood. He has the monopoly on that, not you. You don't get a say in whether or not he's right to feel this way. His feeling aren't about material things, but about how the bigger rooms etc for his sister's made him feel.

He sounds like an intelligent and sensible man. Possibly he has met someone who treats him well and he's starting to realise what he didn't get as a child.

Absolutely awful of you to assume the girl is dodgy. Speaks volumes about you. And he's shown you photos and told you about her, which he didn't have to do, and you basically doubt his sanity. His feelings are completely justified just based on how you present on here.