To not want a first date to be a meal

Moonpigdotcommmm · 2025-01-22T21:12:33+00:00

I have recently got talking to a guy I knew 10 years ago met him once through friends. Now talking Via Facebook. I'm not too sure yet how I feel or whatever. But he's just asked me if I fancy going out for a meal and I now don't know how to reply. Whenever someone wants to go for a meal when we are basically strangers I clam up. Its so awkward for me until I know someone. Like talking. Chewing. Looking at one another. Dressing up. Looking like a couple. Walking Into a busy place to sit for ages. It just gives me the most uncomfortable feelings. But I don't know how to say to him I'd rather not do that for a first date. Or is this the only option for a date. Eating and a drink?

LadyChilli · 23/01/2025 07:05

Totally understandable, I was the same when dating. I always just said "let's keep the first date casual and have a coffee/drink if you don't mind" and nobody was ever offended.

A day trip or zoo visit also sounds too full on for my liking but if that's what you fancy, suggest it!

Alabas · 23/01/2025 06:51

Moonpigdotcommmm · 23/01/2025 06:23

I have said to him I'll think of something we could go do. To me I'd like to go on a day out somewhere like a zoo or a seaside/ day out somewhere else.. A very brief walk and meet up before we did that. I dont know. Maybe that's not normal.

It’s perfectly normal and I think the most common approach for a first date these days. You need to suggest an alternative, he had an idea, you prefer something else so suggest you go for a walk in the local park or something. It’s completely fine, don’t overthink it, but it would be rude to not suggest an alternative if you want to meet up.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 23/01/2025 06:51

What about going for drinks at a nice bar somewhere?

Candleabra · 23/01/2025 06:47

What about a walk? It can be good for a first date as you’re side by side so less intense and easier to chat. Also you’ve got the distraction of the scenery / talking about the surroundings if the talk dries up. Do make sure you actually want to go though.

modernshmodern · 23/01/2025 06:41

I would pick an activity that's 1-2 hours so it's not too long incase you don't click. A walk is great but weather dependent. You could do an activity like bowling, mini golf, museum.

Thinking back all of my first dates have been drinks or a meal .

Simplelobsterhat · 23/01/2025 06:33

Moonpigdotcommmm · 23/01/2025 06:23

I have said to him I'll think of something we could go do. To me I'd like to go on a day out somewhere like a zoo or a seaside/ day out somewhere else.. A very brief walk and meet up before we did that. I dont know. Maybe that's not normal.

Fine to say you'd prefer to do something else, and I understand your reasons, but are you sure about those examples early on? A day out (particularly zoo if you've paid entry) is usually stuck together for longer than a meal, and realistically if you are there for more than a couple of hours, food or at least drink and snack will still end up featuring. A coffee or a drink, or a short local walk would be less intense than a 'day out'.

Original poster

Moonpigdotcommmm · 23/01/2025 06:27

largeprintagathachristie · 22/01/2025 21:39

Just to say I never liked meals on first dates, either, for the reasons you outline.

Also you’re stuck for what feels like ages if it’s awful.

(I may be influenced by a first date meal absolutely aeons ago in my 20s where the guy said I had “big arms” - I was a size 10 at the time - took a longish phone call at the table and made weird remarks about the Thai waitresses. Can’t believe now that I didn’t just walk out.)

Ugh how rude. Could well be that. Its them awkward moments when someone looks at you and asks you a question just as you put food in your mouth and then they know they have to look away and let you finish. But that's fine when they are a close person isn't it. Some people are just rude though and he sounds like a charmer lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Moonpigdotcommmm · 23/01/2025 06:23

I have said to him I'll think of something we could go do. To me I'd like to go on a day out somewhere like a zoo or a seaside/ day out somewhere else.. A very brief walk and meet up before we did that. I dont know. Maybe that's not normal.

OP posts:

Poppyseeds79 · 22/01/2025 22:23

Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:42

Yeah I get you. Its just the chewing means not much talking. The over thinking. Spaghetti, burgers sauce. Salad. Then if you end up having a kiss onions. Garlic. Full bellies. It's great when you are comfortable. I dont particularly enjoy knife and fork meals with strangers. I eat at work fine with colleagues and infront of loads of people. But that feels different.

I've messaged him and said yeah once we've met up again we can then sort a meal for another date or I'll be super nervous.

Dunno what he will think. The problem for me lately is men give me the ick since my last relationship was so awful 😖

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So you said no to the meal but didn't suggest an alternative? You might want to offer the guy a suggestion OP. If someone shot down my offer of a date without countering it with something else. I'd just assume they weren't interested.

Original poster

Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 22:19

Greyish2025 · 22/01/2025 21:58

You don’t seem like you are in the right head space to date at the moment

Aside from your ex partner, do you have issues with food/ disordered eating

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No as written above i stuff my face at work with various members of staff and residents. I'm not shy about food.

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amigafan2003 · 22/01/2025 22:10

Suggest something else.

My son has just been taken on a first date to a museum (her suggestion).

Maboscelar · 22/01/2025 21:58

Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:45

Mean lol. I like doing stuff just wanted something abit different to meals.

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Yes but the point was you didn't suggest anything else you just said no to him. That's off-putting. You should have suggested an alternative.

Greyish2025 · 22/01/2025 21:58

Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:42

Yeah I get you. Its just the chewing means not much talking. The over thinking. Spaghetti, burgers sauce. Salad. Then if you end up having a kiss onions. Garlic. Full bellies. It's great when you are comfortable. I dont particularly enjoy knife and fork meals with strangers. I eat at work fine with colleagues and infront of loads of people. But that feels different.

I've messaged him and said yeah once we've met up again we can then sort a meal for another date or I'll be super nervous.

Dunno what he will think. The problem for me lately is men give me the ick since my last relationship was so awful 😖

Show quote history

You don’t seem like you are in the right head space to date at the moment

Aside from your ex partner, do you have issues with food/ disordered eating

2024riot · 22/01/2025 21:57

A coffee is a good first date, if you like them stay out longer

Endofyear · 22/01/2025 21:55

Why not suggest a coffee date after a walk or meet up for a drink after work?

Greyish2025 · 22/01/2025 21:55

Ohnonotmeagain · 22/01/2025 21:13

Use your words.

i’d prefer just to go for a drink if that’s ok?

why don’t we go to the cinema instead?

etc.

Use your words

This is a completely patronising and silly thing to say to an adult woman, it’s the type of thing that is very commonly said to small children

Poppyseeds79 · 22/01/2025 21:52

Well what do you like to do OP? I prefer a first date at a pub vs a cafe. Mostly because I'd prefer a nice glass of wine to a coffee, also because the lighting is generally more flattering 😅 Plus, I find doing the whole queue situation at a coffee shop annoying, and then it's generally louder than a quiet pub.

AlleyRose · 22/01/2025 21:46

I totally agree with you OP!! I only like eating with people I know really well.

How about suggesting a walk somewhere where you could go for a coffee afterwards? That way you can chat lots but you're not having to stare into each other's faces!

Also, if you're not having a good time you can make your excuses after the walk and do a runner!

Original poster

Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:45

Heelworkhero · 22/01/2025 21:43

If you don’t want to do what he’s suggested (fine) but can’t think of a single thing you would like to do, then maybe dating isn’t for you.

Yes, I’d like to meet you but unable to think off something out of the literally thousands of options available.
I’d rain check if I were him!

Mean lol. I like doing stuff just wanted something abit different to meals.

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DiscoBeat · 22/01/2025 21:44

Coffee and cake then?

Franjipanl8r · 22/01/2025 21:44

I would only ever go for a drink for a first date and keep it within 1.5 - 2 hours max. Long drawn out dates only add to the disappointment if either one of you doesn’t want a 2nd date.

Heelworkhero · 22/01/2025 21:43

If you don’t want to do what he’s suggested (fine) but can’t think of a single thing you would like to do, then maybe dating isn’t for you.

Yes, I’d like to meet you but unable to think off something out of the literally thousands of options available.
I’d rain check if I were him!

BobbiJo · 22/01/2025 21:42

"no thanks, love a coffee though. Starbucks or I know a little place that does excellent Hipster Brews..."

Original poster

Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:42

TheFoz · 22/01/2025 21:38

To me table manners is huge so a lunch or dinner date is a great opportunity to see if he’s one to talk with food in his mouth or make slurping noises 😖 but I get that it is uncomfortable with someone you don’t know. A trip to a museum/art gallery followed by a coffee sounds ideal.

Yeah I get you. Its just the chewing means not much talking. The over thinking. Spaghetti, burgers sauce. Salad. Then if you end up having a kiss onions. Garlic. Full bellies. It's great when you are comfortable. I dont particularly enjoy knife and fork meals with strangers. I eat at work fine with colleagues and infront of loads of people. But that feels different.

I've messaged him and said yeah once we've met up again we can then sort a meal for another date or I'll be super nervous.

Dunno what he will think. The problem for me lately is men give me the ick since my last relationship was so awful 😖

OP posts:

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 22/01/2025 21:41

Coffee in a nice cafe is a good bet, maybe followed by a walk but not necessarily. Very short dates give you a chance to get to know each other a bit without getting embarrassing if you're not really interested.