To think a disproportionate number of MN posters have failed marriages?

I’ve never said there was.

My parents and my sisters in-laws didn't split until they had been married for over 30 years and were in their fifties. It can coincide with kids leaving home 🤔

Why is long lasting a criteria? Can people not have successful marriages which end with mutual respect as they reached the end of their life? My close friend and her husband are divorced, both still very good friends and happily remarried. It maybe rare but for them there marriage had to end as they reached a point if incompatibility that could not be navigated together so they separated.

But thank you for adding “happy” I definitely know so many people for whom “long lasting” is the only criteria!

I don't know the reason but having had kids in both sectors the fathers in private school are FAR more visible at school by being present at matches, performances, doing the school run etc. Perhaps paying for it means they are more invested?

I'm not disputing that, I have been married a long time and happily so.

But longevity alone is not a marker of success in my book .

My first husband became abusive as soon as my son was born. I see nothing "successful" in remaining in an abusive relationship

But it’s wonderful to be in a happy long lasting one. Being married for a long time doesn’t always mean trapped and unhappy.

I meant successful (happy) and long lasting.

That’s not what it says. It says ‘risk to their children’s lives that the health of their marriage poses’. Health of the marriage, not the child. I guess by risk to their children’s lives means the fact that they’d be more likely to have to take them out of their current schools/away from their friends if their marriage broke down than if they were at a state school, largely because divorce is expensive and running 2 households plus school fees would be too much for many.

Agreed.

A long marriage doesn't necessarily mean a successful one.

It must be utterly heartbreaking to be trapped in a desperately unhappy or abusive marriage

*life not health

I don't really understand what you're saying here. Why would privately schooled children have more risk to their health if divorce than state school?

Do you mean “long lasting”? I have known plenty a long marriage that is one person doing what they like while the other endures whatever it takes to keep the marriage together. That never struck me as particularly successful.

What’s a failed marriage?

Do you mean a disproportionate number are divorcees?

A successful marriage involves knowing how and when to compromise and not wanting things your own way all the time. It’s not all down to luck.

The private school parents we have as friends are accurately aware of the risk to their children's lives the health of their marriage poses. I think people are more likely to make it work or find solutions when it would mean the kids lives turn upside down.

Few of my friends have got married, so few divorced even possible!

This is interesting. I wonder if it's like that at a population level. Could be good reasons (money brings less stress) or bad reasons (staying for money, staying because kids happy at school and need to to afford it)

That's because divorced parents can't afford private school after paying for housing and lawyers.

Hard to afford school fees and running 2 households I guess! (I am a very happily married private school parent)

My best friend has 3 children at private school. Her husband is the high earner. He is abusive and unfaithful but she doesn't dare divorce him because it would completely upend the lives of their children.

It's devastating seeing her so trapped

It depends on your demographics... if you and a large number of your friends are financially secure then statistically speaking your grouping is less likely to divorce. Financial and employment pressures are a contributor towards divorce.

Join a private school. All the married couples are there! We only know 2 divorced couples across 4 kids of year groups.

And the op and society would refer to that top group as failed but interestingly, not the bottom group.

I wonder if all those you know who are still together are actually happy? I think that’s a whole different thing.

This is a good point. I'm 50 and have just thought now of my top 10 friends.

3 - divorced and very happy
3 - married and very happy
4 - married and deeply unhappy

Well, I've been pretty happily married for over 20 years and have been posting on Mumsnet (with various accounts/usernames) for probably most of that.

But I'm not sure I've really mentioned my marriage very much - maybe a handful of times, in passing? Because there's no real reason why I would. I post about kids, pets, health, books, culture or current affairs mostly - the stuff which might be an issue in my life, or that triggers my interest.

Of course people post more about the things which are an issue for them. That's a big part of what Mumsnet is for.