All my sisters are single mums

Exactly. The vast majority of couples I know are in poor relationships but the woman is putting up with immense crap from her partner.

I am trying very hard to make sure my DS grows up to be a good partner amd DD doesn't pick an idiot.

What should be happening is that these feckless fathers are chased up to maintain their children ( if not doing so!)

OP I don't think you should feel ashamed. Presumably you and your sisters made the best choices you could at the time. But I do think you are right to be curious. What were the dynamics that caused each relationship to end? Were they similar or was the situation different in each case? Given your parents are still together, what did the three of you learn about relationships from them?

I think it's really important to say that while no one should feel shame, we also shouldn't gaslight people by saying that relationship breakdown is fine. Individual self-actualisation is important, but so is family stability, children seeing both parents, families being able to support themselves and provide enough resources for their children, and so on. Relationship breakdown often comes with high levels of conflict which are bad for children.

I don't think anyone thinks that - I'm not sure how you got that from my comment at all either, obviously if people manage to find a good partner and work together to build a happy marriage they should stay in it...

@MemorableTrenchcoat she doesn’t say if it was gradual or sudden. But overall she is worried they are bad at picking men. Maybe they are or maybe they are just unlucky. To help solve an issue you need to fully understand the problem. If there is a pattern in any behaviour and it can be recognised it can be sometimes be broken if that person wants to put in the work.

My marriage was an absolute shitshow. I wanted to stay together like my parents have (52 years) but in the end I realised I was kidding myself. It just wasn't possible. It's far better to recognise that there's no flogging a dead horse, than still pretending it's alive whilst doing so.

Nothing specific that I can remember I'm afraid (it was a long time ago)! But basically just a huge amount of books, blogs etc on the subject. They are of course other people's opinions, so I didn't take it all as gospel, but read enough different sources and you build up a picture.

Way to shame your sisters for bringing up their kids independently, well done. 🙄

Well firstly I agree it’s nothing to be ashamed about. if people are judging someone for being a single mother, that says more about their own morals and ethics than anything else.

I had therapy in my early twenties after a disastrous relationship, which I ended when I finally realised my then fiance was actually a manipulative and abusive - just like my father.

the therapist told me that children learn about relationships from a much earlier age than we realise, so even though my parents divorced when I was around 3, and mum went on to have a wonderful marriage to my step dad (still happily married 40yrs later) I’d already been exposed to that unhealthy dynamic and ended up repeating it.

the freedom programme is often recommended for those who have experienced unhealthy relationships , but exploring your own experiences and motivations with someone is hugely valuable as every relationship is different so it’s about understanding your own specific history, and what is driving you to make decisions.

Most men are pretty poor tbh and many are only still in relationships because some women have more tolerance than others in terms of what they're prepared to put up with. If you come from a family where ditching the dead weight has been modelled to you as an acceptable course of action, then I suppose it's no wonder (and not necessarily a bad thing) that you're more prepared to follow suit.

Let's hope that by the time our children are grown up, men as a group will have got the message that their shit will no longer be tolerated and there is no alternative but to pull their weight and we'll all be happier (and less divorces and relationship breakdowns) as a result.

You are viewing divorce as a fault, or a failure. Can I suggest, kindly, that you reframe your way of thinking? Divorce enables people to escape from unhappy or unsafe situations and to forge a new path that is better for them and their family. It's not giving up, or tapping out. It can be viewed as a positive step forward in life. It also statistically is as likely to happen to a couple as not, so having here sisters all separated is not quite an anomaly! Isn't it good that you were all able to move on?

Research indicates that children of divorced parents are statistically more likely to experience divorce themselves compared to individuals from intact families.

LadyGreyson My friend and her sisters are all divorced! However her parents were together for 50 years until her dad died.Her parents were happy and DF had a great family home .Everyone s situation is unique ,life now is very different and women don want to be in an unhappy marriage .I dont see why youre "ashamed" I am in my 50s and nearly all my friends are divorced ,or have DC who are ,Whats the big deal?

Source?

I have seen that people raised by divorced parents are more likely to divorce. But nothing suggesting the causality you have.

What attracted you and your sisters to the absolute shits in the first place? Were they good, decent men initially and then they turned? Or were they absolute shits to begin with?

What did you read if you don't mind sharing please?

The opposite of divorce is not staying together miserably. Successful marriages are not miserable, they're joyous. Not all marriages are dysfunctional. Making good choices minimises the chance of dysfunction and maximises the chance of success (but obviously there's never any guarantee, and people can hide their real selves). Having had a healthy, successful marriage modelled to you will absolutely help you see red flags and be in a better place to make good choices.

100% no-one should stay in a miserable or dysfunctional marriage.

I find it sad that a lot of people on this thread seem to think the only options are divorce or a dysfunctional marriage!

If all of the marriages broke down for the same reason eg one parent is an alcoholic or an addict then you might have a point but we don’t know why the relationships broke down.

Do you not think it's more likely that children of divorce know that divorcing is better for a family than staying together miserably?

Can you now, looking back, identify the early signs that your ex was not a good man? Have you learned from it? If not, I'd say do some therapy or a course specifically aimed at how to forge healthy relationships and knowing which flaws can be worked on and which flaws scream 'run for the hills'.

For different reasons I had no model of a healthy relationship growing up either, and was acutely aware that I needed to learn this so I didn't end up in a bad relationship. I did an enormous amount of reading and learning, and now I'm confident I know what to look for in a person, how to stress test the relationship, how to spot early signs of incompatibility, and how to avoid getting too emotionally entangled before you are confident they are decent. Lust puts the blinkers on!

Years ago, me and 2 of my sisters were the same. It was actually wonderful. We supported each other, our kids were close and we gave each other the chance to have time out. As our kids grew, we met new partners and got married. I had more kids, they didn't. All of the kids look back fondly at that time. 3 strong women raising happy, well adjusted and supported kids. Nothing wrong with that AT all.