All my sisters are single mums

Aha so one of two dominant theories not not a guaranteed causal factor. You were presenting it quite differently to how the link presents it.

But watching parents argue is insufficient to explain divorce trends. In their 2001 study, Amato and Deboer found that children whose parents fought a lot but never divorced were not at increased risk of divorce themselves. Amato stated that “parents’ marital discord, in the absence of parental divorce, was not linked with marital dissolution among offspring.” He goes on to say that children who grew up in acrimonious households were more likely to contemplate divorce in their own relationships, but without a model of divorce to emulate, they typically did not follow through and divorce their spouses (Amato & Deboer, 2001, p. 1049).
To be clear, this finding does not negate the importance of relationship skills. Divorcingcouples tend to listen less attentively, communicate less clearly, speak critically of their partner, and avoid and withdraw from arguments. These are patterns that can be picked up in childhood and increase the likelihood of divorce. But it is the divorce itself, not the fighting, which accounts for the increased risk in their children’s divorce

And as the two very different links show there us no one definitive causal factor. It appears there are multiple theories.

Sounds like you come from a long line of determined women who don't take shit from men to me, just to put a different spin on it.

No. That talks about likelihood of divorce. I was asking about the causal factors that you claimed.

I don’t think you read that link did you? It directly contradicts your claim:

The results show a slightly elevated risk of divorce. However, the studies caution that the likelihood of divorce is complex and influenced by various factors, such as socioeconomic status, marital quality, parental conflict, age at marriage, education, and income.
Therefore, because so many other factors influence marital relationships, we cannot say that your divorce is a determining factor, or will cause your children’s divorces. After all, correlation does not imply causation.
Remember, many children of divorced parents have healthy, stable marriages, and many people from intact families also experience divorce.

Exactly. I have to say I feel much more accomplished and brave after leaving my marriage than I did when I was staying in it. It's so far from a failure, it's a change, just like changing jobs is.

@NotEnoughRoom

the therapist told me that children learn about relationships from a much earlier age than we realise, so even though my parents divorced when I was around 3, and mum went on to have a wonderful marriage to my step dad (still happily married 40yrs later) I’d already been exposed to that unhealthy dynamic and ended up repeating it.

Interesting point. My parents split when I was young and it was a pretty shitty relationship.

My siblings who remember them together all either had shitty relationships or remained single.
The ones with no recollection of their shitty relationship all have healthy marriages.

Yes. Definitely this. But also, why would you have any shame for being the one who stayed and looked after their children? Who works twice as hard to be both mum and dad? It doesn't make sense.

Your ex and your sisters partners should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

I never understood why there was any shame at all historically for single mothers.
Two people made a child, one is doing twice the work while one saunters off and the woman gets the fucking shame.

Yep people always refer to divorce as a “failure” which is odd to me. It’s just the end of a marriage.

People strangely view permanence as the only marker of success.

But do we know the “why”?

There is shame attached, but not on the mums, on the men who've walked off.

I agree with @LadyGreyson absolutely. My parents had a horrible marriage followed by acrimonious divorce, I became a single mother young and for a time chose horrible partners, then fell lucky with DH who I have been with now for over 30 years. But I've had to do lots of inner work and practice communication in our marriage to avoid copying my parents' pattern.

Well said, thank you

This is a good way to put it.
We do tend to replicate the relationship of our parents/primary caregivers, though, so what you describe is not unusual or mysterious at all.

Most men are pretty poor tbh and many are only still in relationships because some women have more tolerance than others in terms of what they're prepared to put up with

You only have to look at this forum.

Both the posters whom it's clear are not going to leave shitty men. And the posters who comment on deal breaking behaviour, advising that it's not deal breaking and that the poster should persevere, forgive, "work on it" etc. it seems like it doesn't matter what the men do as long as he appears to be "remorseful" and says he'll go to therapy.

There also persist the most incredible double standards; actually held to by women.

Let's not pull any punches, it's bloomin' unfair. Of course it's better being alone than with a complete waster but you're left doing their share of the parenting often with less money. Cue immense stress.

There ought to be a tax on people (mostly men) who don't fulfil their caring responsibilities over and above the pittance which is child maintenance. They should have to pay an hourly rate into a central fund and all those parents and carers who have an unfair allocation of responsibility should be eligible for payouts from this fund.

Bollocks.

Omg this post almost could’ve been written by me !

I mean 10 years is a long to time to be with someone who then turned out to be a shit dad (been there, done that so it's not a criticism). It's interesting that both you and one of your sisters ended up in this type of relationship though.

Was your dad rubbish?

I don't think you should feel any shame though - not being with a man who is a shit dad is something to be proud of and your kids will thank you.

Surely it would be more shameful to stay with someone crap. My parents are still together in their 80s. My mum has slept with other men and she bullied me and my dad. I'm not that impressed with my dad for staying with her and not protecting me better from her. That's more shameful to me. It's not the 1950s any more when you stay with an abusive person to keep up appearances

Omg so much this!!

Contrary to what some say on here I don't think the blame for divorce should be put on women and their inability to choose suitable men. In my case, I was married for 20+ years, but only about 4-5 years in did my husband start to change. It was subtle and gradual. There were zero signs that he was going to go in that direction during our first years together. He was lovely, generous, caring. We went to therapy, we tried to work it out but in the end I left. I honestly don't think anyone could have forseen how he would change.

My parents were also together my entire childhood and only divorced later in life due to my dad's infedelity. Prior to that, their marriage had been very much a standard marriage. There was love and respect.

When I look at my friends today who are married, I honestly don't know why they put up with the shitty behaviour their husbands intermittently subjects them to. For them leaving is terrifying, for me it was a release. If anything, me leaving my marriage shows me that I do know how a decent man should be. It doesn't show that I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.